Ben’s Ultra-Awesome Hearty Harvest Vegetable and Nutrient Explosion Soup!!!
Don’t you hate it?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re browsing the internet for a recipe, you find some vaguely pornographic pictures of food, and follow the link to a blog post that’s roughly 99% life story and 1% actual recipe?
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Me too.
Anyway, I was born November 13, in the year of our lord 1988 on a chilly evening around 6:00pm. Thankfully, our species isn’t known to recall the details of those first blinding moments because that would horrifying. But thanks to the magic of family photo albums (ask one of the Old Ones), I know I was splay-fingered and ugly in that acutely disappointing way that all babies are, if we’re honest with ourselves. There is simply no such thing as a truly cute newborn, in the sense that a puppy or an otter kit is truly cute. Cuteness, like paternal resentment, develops over time. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
It wasn’t long before the family moved to San Antonio, where my early years were split between pretending to be a dinosaur and pretending to be Spider-Man. When I got a little older I also pretended to be Goliath from Gargoyles because he was the coolest (followed closely by Brooklyn) and because I learned how to tie my towels around my shoulders to mimic the way Goliath folded his wings.
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My first encounter with foul language and the senseless way children betray each other occurred on that cruel, wood chip-strewn stage known as the playground. I remember it clearly thanks to my perfect memory: my friend John was at the top of a slide, coolly surveying his surroundings and taking long, cynical drags on cheap cigarettes the way 6-year-olds so often do. I joined him on his perch and prepared to tell him a lurid story I had been told by another one of my school chums at San Antonio Christian School.
“So…” I whispered, because one of the teachers was within earshot, “do you know the F-word?”
“Yes,” the fool replied practically shouting, “FUCK!”
The teacher zeroed in on us, charging. John flicked the remainder of his cigarette at her in slow motion. She combusted in slow motion. Then John stood over her blazing body and laughed while flames danced in the foreground in slow motion. It was the 90s; this kind of thing happened a lot.
…I probably don’t need to point out which parts of this story have been embellished. That said, John’s outburst did grab the attention of a nearby teacher who started towards us. Without missing a beat, John pointed to me and shrieked “He told me to say it!” As an adult who has since interacted with many children displaying various levels of proficiency in deceit, I’m still amazed that Mrs. Whoever-She-Was didn’t see right through this patently obvious slander. I was forbidden from enjoying the rest of that particular day’s recess as punishment and my alliance with John formally dissolved. So, if you’re out there, John, I haven’t forgotten the taste of knife-in-my-back and I just wanted to tell you that someone saw the F-word scribbled in the school parking lot. That’s all.
Idiot.
It wasn’t long before we were moving again, this time to Athens, TX – where most of my Dad’s side of the family lives to this day. You know how certain music can zap you back in time almost instantly? Just about any of the songs from Wow 1997 can perform this spacetime alchemy and transport me to the house wherein I procured my first own bedroom – 603 Cherokee Trace. The most effective songs for this task are Michael W. Smith’s “I’ll Lead You Home” and Point of Grace’s “Keep the Candle Burning” – I listened to some real barn-burners in those days.
The next house we lived in was on the surprisingly underrated Lake Athens, and were truly some of the best days of my youth. It was in this home that I perfected my impression of Ed from Good Burger and broadened my musical horizons to Wow 1999, 2000, and 2001. I also did not get as many turns water-skiing as the older cousins did whenever everyone came over, so consequently I never fully learned how and I’m still sore about it.
I made my first stop-motion LEGO movies in that house, perfecting the art of ketchup-for-blood whenever it came time for my one Stormtrooper to (again) pay the ultimate price. I owned my first copy of Jurassic Park and The Lost World in that house – the Collector’s Edition Two-Volume VHS, which came with over 75 minutes of exclusive, behind-the-scenes footage from two of the biggest Jurassic hits of all-time.
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The next time we moved, it was to a different city – San Antonio. My treacherous teenage years were now upon me, and I was soon to unleash tidal waves of irresistible charm and charisma in nearby youth groups. Don’t believe me? Picture this, ye of little faith:
Reddened from a sunburn and possibly wearing blue jean shorts, I stood in the large metal building that served as the chapel for our church camp that year. The air was thick with that confusing blend of evangelical zeal and teen angst made all the more volatile by the crackle of raging pubescent hormones. I, however, was oblivious to the temptations of the flesh because I was in. the. zone. (“On fire” in Church-speak) Thus, when pretty girls arrived in my vicinity, foremost on my mind was how to impress them with ostentatious displays of virtue. One of them, Maria, wore a henley whose top few buttons were undone. Of course I was personally immune to this debauched display of zero cleavage and the slightest suggestion of collarbone, but this stumblingblock was sure to corrupt a weaker soul. I leaned over to this Jezebel and whispered: “Would you mind buttoning your shirt up a bit?”
Needless to say, I was the toast of that youth group basically forever – to the point that some of them pretty much stopped talking to me. We left the church soon after that, refugees of a bitter civil war over what kind of worship music would be played and at what volume (seriously) and a few disagreements over how to steward the church’s modest income. I guess we can’t all get into Heaven with honors, amirite?
But by this time, my attention was preoccupied with a decision that – for once – was entirely mine: college. I nominated Texas A&M as my future alma mater and did not even bother applying to other schools. I was so set on this outcome that had my acceptance letter read otherwise, I would have relaunched my campaign all over again the following year. Not only this, but I was determined to join the Corps of Cadets. In retrospect, I don’t fully understand this decision because it was made by someone so different from who I am now as to be almost unrecognizable. That said, it was one of the greatest decisions of my life and I’ll expound more upon those times in another recipe post.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, I graduated and moved back to San Antonio where I lived with my best friend’s family while job hunting. I eventually procured a job working IT for a local car dealership family and settled into my first apartment of my single adult years.
And during this time, I came to grips with the fact that I was grossly out of shape. I was eating Jack in the Box a couple of times a week, for God’s sake. I was also just over broke, so I needed to spend my grocery budget wisely.
Thus, this glorious soup was born; a means to improve my diet and do so at a relatively low cost.
The soup has been through several iterations over the years since that bachelor epoch, like its maker, and benefits from being both simple and versatile. Feel free to experiment, but keep one thing in mind – it will usually need a little extra salt.
Ben’s Ultra-Awesome Hearty Harvest Vegetable and Nutrient Explosion Soup!!!
Yields: 6-8 servings
As with most soups/stews, this one tastes even better the day or two after it’s been served, so this recipe is calculated with plenty of leftovers in mind.
Ingredients:
3-4 garlic cloves, pressed
1 yellow onion, diced
2 ½ TBSP Olive Oil
1 bunch of kale, chopped
3 medium-sized potatoes, chopped/cubed to small-bite size
1 zucchini, chopped
1 yellow squash, chopped
2 cans of beans (see below)
4 cups vegetable broth
2 cups water
Seasonings to taste (see below)
Instructions
Put your favorite music on in the background. This soup is incredibly versatile, so your choices range from Andrea Bocelli to Zao.
In a large mixing bowl, stockpile your chopped/diced kale, potatoes, zucchini, and squash like it’s 1899. I recommend leaving the kale stems in; just make sure to chop them fairly small so they cook down easily. Other leafy greens like chard or collards can be substituted or mixed into the kale to diversify your nutritional portfolio as desired here.
In a large pot (and I do mean a LARGE if you’re making the full recipe), sauté the diced onion and pressed garlic in the olive oil over medium high heat until onions are translucent and blistering tears stream down your face like Alex Jones railing against Hillary Clinton.
Dump your veggie cache into the pot. It will be quite full, especially if you ignored my previous advice about a LARGE pot, and you may begin to wonder how you’ll accomplish this without making a mess.
Accept the fact that you’re probably gonna make a bit of a mess.
Dump in your two cans of preferred bean variety, juices and all. I recommend bean blends that combine numerous types in a single can. Failing that, I prefer garbanzo beans and kidney beans in this particular soup, though black beans are also excellent here (especially if it’s the kind with little chunks of jalapeno). Don’t get 3 cans of beans to mimic a bean blend if you can’t find one, the soup will be too bean-heavy. Just pick two and be an adult about this.
Pour in the veggie broth and water. The liquid level should be at least an inch from the rim. Give it a few stirs so everything is evenly distributed throughout the pot.
Reduce heat to just above a simmer and cover with a lid.
Over the course of the next hour to hour-and-ten-minutes, stir occasionally. You want the harder vegetable bits to cook down without liquefying the beans, so don’t try to cut corners by increasing heat to reduce time because you will regret it. Maybe not today or even tomorrow…but some day. The kale stems are your friends here; they should come out easy to chew while still retaining their shape and fibrous texture. Similarly, the potatoes should be soft but not wimpy. If you feel embarrassed on your potato’s behalf, you’ve cooked too long or too hot or both and dammit, I already warned you.
Once a taste/texture test verifies the soup is at the aforementioned sweet spot, remove from heat. You’ll want to flavor it with a salt-based seasoning of some kind – seasoned salt, smoked sea salt, plain ol’ salt (classic). Use at least a tablespoon of your selected seasoning, but no more than two. A few shakes of Montreal Steak Seasoning is pretty great here too, or a little smoked paprika (but not too much!) if another smoked seasoning isn’t handy.
There you have it! Serve with your favorite bread or sandwich and bask in the surge of nutritional whoop-ass coursing through your veins.
