The Two Year Mark: An Adventure in Sobriety

Torn Ends Release!!! Sugary Sweets by A.M. Willard

The Two Year Mark: An Adventure in Sobriety

Two Years. Most people wouldn’t bat an eye at two years flying by. But I’m not most people. I’m someone who doesn’t take minutes, days or years for granted. Why? Well, some may have read my articles about my progress in battling my narcotic pain pill addiction. Want to know something amazing? July was my two year anniversary of being clean. That’s quite a feat (at least I think it is). I’ve had to restructure the way I think and the way I handle situations. Stress is my trigger (I’m sure it is for most of the population as well). But when I become super stressed, my brain craves the narcotics. But now I have to find other ways to relieve my stress. Yes, it’s hard for me to relax because I’m always working or on the go. I cling to the phrase “idle hands are the devil’s plaything”. That’s why these hands are always finding something to do. I’ve immersed myself in craft projects for the past two years, I’ve focused on my writing and have grown as an author. When my brain tries to tell me it needs the drug, I tell it to f**k off. There have been moments in the past two years where I’ve literally sat down and cried. Not because I’m needing drugs, but because I’m actually proud of myself. I’m astounded that I’ve changed my life. I went from being a junkie to being a best-selling author who values her life. Every word I put on paper is another step toward healing for me. If it wasn’t for writing, I don’t know that I’d be here today (but we won’t get into the negative thoughts I used to have). Granted, there are some days I berate myself for the things I’ve done in the past but I’m slowly working toward loving myself fully each day. One thing I have each morning is hope. I’ll cling to that and know eventually I will be whole again. I have to be. I want it too bad to give up.

inspire

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need to tell you a story. I know some won’t give a damn but I need to tell it anyway. Like I mentioned above, July was my two year anniversary of being clean from narcotics. But as we know, addiction is an epidemic and this past weekend I’d gotten a call from someone close to me who was battling addiction. I know what you’re thinking “oh hell, one addict trying to cure another addict.” It sounds insane, right? How could I help someone when I’m basically an addict? They say once an addict, always an addict…I believe this is 100% true. But here’s the thing, there was no one else to help this person. They were alone and I believe there was a reason for this. I’m not going to get all religious on you but I do believe there’s a reason for everything. Upon going to help this person, I found that they’d slipped with their sobriety. They’d had a low moment and turned to the bottle for relief. There is nothing more painful than watching another human being going through detox. Why? Because I remember what it felt like. Sometimes I can still feel the residual effects of my detox. The feeling that your bones are breaking, the two weeks without sleep and the moments when I cried out for God to just take me. So to watch another person go through that, it broke my heart. But one thing it didn’t do was break ME. I was taken from the frying pan and tossed into the fire. The great thing about fire is, fire is cleansing. For the past four days I have been at this person’s side. I sat in the ER with them while they cried out for it to end. I held my ground when they refused to go to the hospital because they hadn’t eaten or drank anything other than alcohol for 3 days. I cried my eyes out in private because I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to get through this. But you know what? It wasn’t about ME getting through it, hell, it wasn’t about ME at all. It was about pushing forward and showing this person that life is precious. That even though they felt like this world would be better without them, they were wrong. We are four days in now and things are slowly looking up.

One thing I’ve heard so many times during the past few days is “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I messed up.” Here’s the thing, we all f**k up in life, some worse than others. The majority of screw-ups in life are fixable, you just have to work hard to fix some of them. I told this person I didn’t want an apology. What I want is a gift, a gift of them busting their ass to make this right. To take the steps to get sober and stay that way. I’ve had to sacrifice my time to be here with them but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. For some reason I was sent here to save a life and that is a huge responsibility. Most people who know me would describe me as a kid in an adult body. This situation required so much adulting and so far, I’ve risen to the challenge. I hold zero anger or disappointment toward the person either. In fact, I’m in awe of them. Even through the pain, through the anxiety and through moments of desperation, they have shown me that they value their life enough to get sober. We have a long road ahead of us in this but I have made it known I will be here for support and guidance no matter what.

Addiction of course is a serious matter. The one thing that sucks is if you’ve never been an addict, you can’t possibly fathom what’s going on in the brain of an addict. It’s easy for us to judge those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. We shake our heads and think it’s easy for them to just put that bottle of alcohol down or flush the drugs down the toilet. I’m here to tell you, it’s not that simple. Those substances CHANGE you. Once addicted, you aren’t the same person anymore. In a way, the old you was killed off and left behind is a shell of a person. If you want to help an addict, don’t stoop to a level that criticizes them. Don’t stand back and tell them they’re worthless. Instead, tell them how much you love them and let them know their life matters. Tell them the amount of people that’d be affected if something were to happen to them. If they have children, ask them if they want to watch their kids graduate and one day watch them fall in love and walk down the aisle. Above all else, give them HOPE.

During my addiction and recovery I’ve received nothing but amazing support from my family, friends and fans. I honestly didn’t know what would happen when I went public with my addiction two years ago but I had to get my story out there. I had to give hope to others who might’ve been going through the same thing. I want to say a huge thank you to those who reached out, sent messages, emailed me and called me with their support. You guys have kept me on my path of healing and reinvention.

sobriety If you’re going through a rough time and feel you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open. I urge you to send me an email so we can chat. I know how hard it is to get clean and I know you cannot do it alone. You DO NOT have to be stuck at rock bottom.