Of Bells, Whistles and A Hammer

Warning: What you are about to read has no bearing on current affairs, real or fictional, in this realm or elsewhere. There may be little or nothing to glean from the following words, and r eader discretion is advised.

No, seriously.

 

Let’s suppose you had to, for some reason, list down the top ten most annoying sounds that you’re familiar with on a daily basis. Go on, take a shot. 

I’m willing to bet that the phrase “wake-up alarm tone” would be one of those at the top. And if it wasn’t, well, you’ll now be going “aaaah, right... that one,” and mentally shifting it up there into the list. Very probably right into first place, because that’s where that sound belongs.

After all, who likes waking up in the morning, anyway?

 

Alright, so if this was some article for a major network or research journal, or even something backed up by the slightest bit of evidence, this is the point where the numbers come in. Since there has been about zero actual research conducted into this study, (by me, at least), and since other, non-related research shows that posts with numbers increase the credibility, I have decided that I am indeed going to use numbers.

Hey, you can’t argue with research. They didn’t say anything about the numbers not being totally made up, after all. So on to the numbers portion, and let’s assume I have something important to say that you probably should hear.

 

It has been scientifically proven (no, it hasn’t) that 55% of females and 45% of males in most countries do indeed have some sort of alarm in place to awaken at whatever time the next day.  Further nonexistent studies show that of those people who do rely on alarms, it’s about 70% of the total who rely on their phones, smart or otherwise, to wake them up.

And of the cases where the alarm does indeed ring at the correct time (this is, of course, assuming that a) the battery hadn’t died during the night, b) that the user hadn’t gotten ‘am’ and ‘pm’ mixed up again (it’s a very common mistake to make. Stop looking at me like that) or c) the dog carried it off to the kitchen for the fifteenth time for no reason), it has been determined (you know this is just horseradish) that roughly 83.37% of people who hear the alarm reach over and set it to snooze.

That’s right. Science says you’re not the only one, friend.

 

Ah, snooze. Whatever would we do without snooze, eh? Most of us just whack that button (or slide a thumb while looking on through gunked-up sleep-eyes) and roll over, promising ourselves, and sometimes even believing, that we're going to kick the sheets in five more minutes. Oh, the lies we tell ourselves.

Anyway, getting sidetracked. The conclusion drawn by this intensive, delicate, fictional study proves the one thing  we ALL know:

Everyone. Hates. The alarm tone.

 

And me? Oh, you’d better believe it. I even wrote a whole post on how much I hate it, so there. And as if it's not bad enough, there's the bitter irony of this  whole conundrum right here. We need alarms in the morning. 

To paraphrase an age old saying: Yeh can’t live with ‘em, and yeh can’t tootin’ wake up withou’ ’em.

 

Alright, so here’s the crux of the problem: you need to wake up early. To do that, the smart answer would be to, yes, exactly, go to bed early. But since that is a definite no-no, of course, enter ‘alarmus sleep-interruptus’, stage left.

In my twenty three and a quarter years of experience at life, and about half of that at using my own alarms, I have come to narrow down the usage of this necessary fiend to two main classes.

 

The first, or as I like to call it, the “UP AND AT EM”, can be defined by the following scenario:

Need: To wake up at 7am.

Strategy: Subject fixes alarm at 7am. Subject sleeps.

Ideal Outcome: Alarm rings at 7am. Subject jars awake, leaps out of bed, and subject is ready to go.

 

Actual Outcome: I jar awake, a reach out blindly, stab at the screen till the noise subsides, and then I roll over. Of course, I will tell myself I’ll wake up in five more minutes. Sometimes I even chuckle silently to myself in a "who am I kidding" moment, but the outcome is the same.

Forget five minutes. The next time I look at the clock, it's past fifty.

 

While it doesn't usually seem plausible, this one is actually the most effective way to go. Trust me, I have tried it (a couple of times, on very rare occasions) and it definitely works. The catch (there is always a catch) is that it only works if you can condition your body to it. Conditioning your body to it takes... you guessed it... work.

Of course, the whole ‘train thyself’ element involved is, let's face it, a turn down to pretty much most of the world's population today. (Another fact determined by deep, imaginary scientific research).

That is why most of you would probably recognize the second option, probably being familiar with the process yourself .

 

This method, or as no one calls it, the “Step by Step Awakening System by Means of Multiple Set Alarm Tones”, or SSASMMSAT, goes something like this:

 

Need: To wake up at 7am.

Strategy: Subject sets alarm at 6am. Subject sets alarm at 6.15am. Subject sets alarm at 6.30am. Subject sets alarm at 6.45am. And subject also sets alarm at 7am.

Subject sleeps.

Ideal Outcome: Alarm rings at 6am. Subject awakens, placidly hits/swipes snooze, go back to sleep. fifteen minutes later, Subject awakens again, and repeats as above. This goes on until the final alarm at 7am, at which point subject would have been gradually awakened to the point where s/he is ready to get out of bed and begin the day.

 

Actual Outcome...?

 

Maybe I do wake up the first couple of times. After the first two snooze's, autopilot kicks in, and the arm silences each and every alarm beyond that point before the brain even knows what's happening. 

I wake up a couple of hours later. I will berate myself loudly and yell at my own stupidity, but inside me, the autopilot and brain shake hands at another job well done.

 

You have witnessed this. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

This. Happens. To people. Because it can't just be happening to me.

 

Oh, and, of course, let’s not forget the third outcome:

Need: To wake at 7am

Outcome: Doesn’t matter what strategy used, either the battery either dies, or all alarms are accidentally for ‘pm’ instead of ‘am’, or the dog carries off the phone to the kitchen for whatever reason.

 

 

On a separate but somewhat related note: ever woken up abruptly, grabbed for your phone or the clock to see what time it is, and then felt that surging bliss at the realization that there are still two hours more before you have to wake up? I can’t be the only one. That feeling is up there at the top of another list, at the top of the ‘best feelings in the world’ list.

 

It seems I’ve come to the point of lost attention in this post, where both your thoughts and mine are starting to wonder off (pun intended) and into the unknown. For now, I’ll have to curb this slumbering topic and pick it off some other time in the not too distant future.

What, you thought that there was some point I was driving at here, or some moral to this tale? I am disappointing in you. There was a disclaimer right at the top. Right there. You should have known better to ignore it.

 

Like you’re probably going to ignore this word of advice to the unwary:

NEVER use your favorite song as an alarm tone. Ever. If the thought crosses your mind, snuff it out. Unless, of course, you would want to see how quickly you can go from loving a song to hating it in the space of three days. You were warned, but you’ll not listen anyway since you’re such a rebel, so go on right ahead. See if I care.

The post Of Bells, Whistles and A Hammer appeared first on All About The Weaver.