Hello world, I’m fat and that’s fine

This is a blog post that's been growing within me for a number of weeks now and I was tipped over the edge by this article from the Sydney Morning Herald - http://www.smh.com.au/technology/technology-news/the-beautiful-mind-of-the-aussie-who-beat-microsoft-20110810-1ilm6.html As I read it, quivering with rage at how the journalist used this man's size to devalue everything else he'd done, I came to the point of no return in my own acceptance of myself and who I am.

I'm fat.

Here are the figures. I'm 41 years old. I'm 156 centimetres high (5 foot 1 inch in the old scale, or there abouts). I weigh 85 kilograms (187 pounds). According to the scales, I'm 25 kilograms over the heighest acceptable weight I should be, which makes me technically obese. This isn't the heaviest I've been – at Worldcon last year, I topped the scales at 96 kilograms.

Now, I will admit that at the moment, I'm not happy with my health – but that's not because of my weight. I haven't exercised in ages, and my eating has tended more toward the bad end than the good, which has flared up my reflux a little. And I need to do something about that. I need to get off the fatty snacks and vegemite sandwiches (which I pile on with margarine) and eat more fruit and veg. I also need to get back into walking, dancing, whatever to shift my body cause all day every day at the computer isn't good for me. This constant cough is a pretty good sign of that.

And you know what? I might actually drop some weight in the process – a few kilos, maybe get down to around 80. And I'll be pretty healthy – even now I know I could go to the doctor and every one of my tests would come back satisfactory. Blood pressure, cholesterol, sugar, vitamins. I'm not a drain on the health system, nor will I be until I'm actually old.

So then the question becomes – why lose weight and get down to that apparently 'healthy' score for me? There's only one reason – societies view of what is satisfactory. In order to achieve that, however, my life is going to have to drastically change. No more alcohol. No more enjoying myself out with friends. Every time I open my mouth to eat, I'll be calculating and depriving myself. I'll have to exercise, hard and often, to excise the calories that won't just fall off me. My life would be miserable and for what? So someone else thinks I'm attractive? That I'm worthwhile? And the worst thing is – for my entire life, I've bought into this shit.

Well, fuck that. Fuck it to the seven circles of hell.

I don't WANT to live that life. I like having a glass or two of wine at night. I like being able to go out with my husband, or my friends, and ordering whatever the hell I want and enjoying it.

And you know what? This belly, this butt, these HUGE breasts are not ugly – they're beautiful. I know this because my husband tells me so every day. In fact, he doesn't like it when I lose weight because my breasts get smaller.

So why the hell have I allowed random, anonymous people that I really don't give a shit about make me think I'm ugly, when the man who committed his life to me thinks the exact opposite?

From now on, I'm not hiding it. I'm gonna be loud and proud. I'm going to celebrate the bountiful curves that the universe has bestowed upon me.

I'm gonna celebrate other things as well. My grey hair, for example. I started going grey when I was 25 and for the past 16 years, I've died the shit out of my hair to cover it. Well, no more. Next time I'm at the hairdresser, I'm getting the coloured hair cut off and I'm going grey, baby. I'm gonna rock that shit!

This is me – this is who I am and I'm choosing to live the life I want, not to succumb to societies expectations of what will make me worthwhile. Don't like me being fat? Don't look.