“Life Itself”, and the ongoing predicament.

flections

I woke up this morning with the same heavy thought of repeating a day-long dull exercise of classes, home-study etc. I checked the clock- it was 5:30 A.M. ; I had been sleeping for the past 14 hours. I was immediately disgusted with myself. What am I doing with my life? I thought it over while relieving my bowels. It was an unpleasant question that I asked myself twice everyday, in a serious self-reflecting mode. I’d complete 21 this year (hell, yeah!). Until now, this is all what I’ve done: 1) completed my schooling; 2) graduated with a bachelors degree in Commerce; 3) worked a job which I hated, despised, rubbished, rejected and swore to never return back;  5) completed the two step process of becoming a Chartered Accountant, one of the top most posts in Finance- something about which I’m now more unsure than ever; 6) started writing a book, which I abandoned in utter despair after realising how shockingly pointless and absurd the whole thing read; 7) dabbled in some serious literature reading; wrote an unpublished thesis; and started a blog to give a kick-boost to my latent writing talent.

This is my story. Of course, one would argue that documenting academic success and career disappointments hardly qualifies as someone’s life story, and I agree, but I’ve reached a point where I have nothing further to say and discuss, besides what I’ve written above. I am perpetually at a loss to define myself other than by weighing on such props. I desperately want to write something. I know I’ve started rambling. Ughh! See? This is what happens when I go beyond a point.

So, the point is that after serious reflection I decided to give my morning class a miss- there goes all motivation down the drain. I decided to watch “Life Itself”, a documentary on the life of Roger Ebert, a noted American film critic. If you are not aware of his works, I urge you to read them. There’s an uncommon simplicity, elegance, crisp perceptiveness and geeky love-worship with the way he writes about films. His review of Yasujiro Ozu’s, 1953 film “Tokyo Story”, a humane drama in which old parents come to city to spend time with their children who seem to have no time to spare, is a classic in its own right. The film struck me on multiple levels, but Roger’s review struck on a more deeper level; it opened a whole new window to understanding films and life in general. The movie, “Life Itself”, is a eulogy for Roger’s eventful life, his philosophy and his love of films; an honest narrative of his bitter struggle with alcoholism, cancer, and his ultimate spiritual recovery. If anything, it augmented my disappointment with myself. Here’s a person who started writing at an early age -same as mine- and went on to become one of the most celebrated persons in the history of cinema, and look at me. This blog entry could be a response to my disappointment, to start writing and find a direction, or be perpetually lost and continue to be defined by mark sheets, CV’s etc.

Hoping to find a direction,

Sahil Sood.

P.S. : Here’s Roger’s review of “Tokyo Story”. This could be the best thing you read today.

http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-tokyo-story-1953