How to deliver a wedding toast

Slate's Toy Patterson recently wrote a piece on how to deliver a wedding toast. 

It's a good list.  In fact, #3 on Patterson's list is similar to one of my own (I purposely wrote my list before reading his).

And I don't disagree with any of Patterson's rules.  It's a good list.  What I suspect, however, is that Patterson has not listened to more than one thousand wedding toasts over the course of his lifetime. 

I have. 

As a result, I have become keenly aware of some of the simple but shockingly common mistakes that people make when delivering a toast.  So while Patterson's list centers on what makes a good toast, my list leans towards the mistakes most common during a toast.   

After 16 years in the wedding industry, I have seen them all. 

Matthew Dicks's Rules for Delivering a Successful Wedding Toast

1. There is no need to introduce yourself at the beginning of your toast.  If you are important enough to have been asked to speak, everyone who needs to know who you are knows who you are. 

2. Speak into the microphone, damn it.  You can't imagine how often this rule is ignored, even after I provide thorough instructions and opportunities for practice prior to the toast. 

3. Do not talk about the weather. You would be shocked by the number of times a best man feels the need to review the weather thus far at the onset of his toast.

4. Compliment the bride. Many times. Say nothing negative.

5. Do not tell inside jokes or make references only understood by the bride and groom.  You are not speaking to two people. You are speaking to everyone.

6. Embarrassing stories about the groom are acceptable as long as they do not involve other women, excessive alcohol and drug use or bodily fluids.

7. Actually make a toast.  Do not deliver a speech and sit down without raising a glass to the bride and groom.  Even though I remind every person who is giving a toast about this rule, it is by far the one forgotten most often.

Which is sad, because if you've been asked to offer a toast, you should probably offer a toast.