See How to Best Resolve Conflict To Restore Relationships

Is there any person on the face of the planet who enjoys conflict? And is there anything so difficult to navigate as human relationships?

I dare say that for most of the us the answer to both these questions is a resounding “No!”

For a long time, my go-to solution for resolving conflict was to simply not deal with it. Kind of a “pretend-it’s-not-there-and-it’ll-go-away” mindset.

First off, that way of handling conflict is far from scriptural. In other words, it’s not the way God wants us to handle it.

Secondly, it doesn’t work. All it does is perpetrate the problem. It brings about more conflict and distance and allows the enemy a foothold to drive a deeper wedge in our relationships.

The purpose of this post is to take a look at God’s Word for His way of bringing about restoration and reconciliation by resolving conflict.

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Resolve Conflict: Step 1

Matthew 18:15-20 deals with handling conflict. But people often misunderstand and misinterpret the passage, which reveals how Satan twists scripture around and uses it against humanity. Sometimes the problem arises from NOT following the steps exactly as laid out in God’s Word. At other times, those with the best of intentions have sadly caused much injury, hurt, and damage through misapplication of these verses.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector.” -Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)

Have you seen or experienced Matthew 18:15-17 misapplied?
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Step 1 – Digging Deeper

Notice that this is a brother, a fellow believer. (I do think it could certainly be applied on a broader scale as representing our human brotherhood.)

Also note that the process requires communication.

By the standards presented in God’s Word, communication requires love/concern, listening, honesty, gentleness, and kindness, along with a whole host of other godly characteristics.

Anger, malice, and hatred should never play a part in resolving conflict. Nor should asserting power over another be the goal. Instead resolving conflict takes place through sincere attempts to make things right, not just between you and your brother/sister, but also between both of you and God.

I would go so far as to assert that if our relationship with our brother isn’t right, there’s a deeper spiritual problem of something not being right in our relationship to God.

“Reconciliation requires willingness on both sides of the issue.” @Cathy_Bryant
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Reconciliation is one of those tricky things that requires willingness on both sides of the issue. Sometimes the other party will refuse to listen. Or sometimes they have something against you too, so it becomes a case of who feels the most wronged and the most justified in holding on to a grudge.

But if we and our offended brother both follow Jesus’ example of humility, we’ll do whatever is needed to resolve the conflict. It won’t become a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong, but of mutual love and forgiveness.

Her greatest need is human forgiveness. His greatest need is to learn how to give it. Can they let go to build a bridge? A BRIDGE UNBROKEN: http://amzn.to/2fyT5Ls. See the corresponding Bible study book on forgiveness here: http://amzn.to/2jjIrgr


Resolve Conflict: Step 2

If this first step doesn’t work, the next step is to take along one or two others as witnesses. This is in accordance with an Old Testament practice/law set forth in Deuteronomy 19:15. These two witnesses weren’t to be yes-men for one party’s cause, but godly people who had the best interest of both parties at heart–people who wanted to honor God in all they did. (Can you see how taking people who are just there to support our side would only add to the conflict?)

Resolve Conflict: Step 3

The step after that is to present the matter before the whole church. If that doesn’t work, the church is to treat that brother as a pagan or tax collector.

I truly understand that offending brothers are “handed over to Satan” for the destruction of sinful ways. This is addressed by Paul in the New Testament in two different places: 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 and 1 Timothy 1:18-20. These types of conflicts showed gross immorality on the part of the offending brother, blatant acts that threatened the purity of the church.

So don’t get me wrong. The church is not to tolerate or make light of this type of behavior among believers. BUT we are to respond to the offender with sincere love and concern for their spiritual well-being. It’s less about excommunicating and shunning them and more about helping that brother see and experience the consequences of his/her behavior.

“It’s less about shunning them and more about the spiritual welfare of your brother or sister.”…
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Step 3 – Digging Deeper

Let’s talk for a minute about treating the offender like “a pagan or a tax collector.”

A pagan was obviously someone who lived an immoral life, and usually referred to idolatry, sometimes of a sexual sort.

Tax collectors in the first century A.D. were despised because they exacted tribute from the Jews to pay the Roman government and acquired a hefty portion for themselves in the process.

Both pagans and tax collectors were outcasts from the Jewish religious system and the heart of that society.

But when we look at the life of Jesus, he reached out to these sorts of people. Why? Because it was the sick who needed a doctor (Matthew 9:11-13).

“Jesus reached out to pagans and tax collectors because they needed healing.” @Cathy_Bryant
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So here’s my take on the whole pagan/tax collector thing. We rightfully hate the sin and don’t tolerate it. Excusing sin or downplaying it isn’t an option. God takes sin very seriously (enough to send His Son to die for it), and so should we.

But we are to love the sinner. Never are we given permission in God’s Word to do anything less. In fact, anything less is unacceptable.

“Hate the sin; love the sinner. Anything less is unacceptable.” @Cathy_Bryant
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God’s Heart in Resolving Conflict

When the Bible was written, there were no chapters, verses, and sub-titles. For that reason, I’m a firm believer in taking any given passage in context by looking at what precedes and follows it.

In Matthew 18:12-14 and even before, Jesus addresses how we are to treat others. God shows His heart when He says: “If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.” Matthew 18:12-13 (NIV)

“I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than the 99 that did not wander off.”
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Can you better understand our main passage in light of the wandering sheep? God’s desire and heart is for that wandering sheep. As His people and followers, that should be our heart’s desire as well.

Human Nature in Resolving Conflict

In Matthew 18:21-35, we see good old “bull-in-a-china-closet” Peter charge in with good, but spiritually-inaccurate, intentions. He thought he was being exceptionally worthy by offering to forgive his brother seven times. Jesus quickly set him straight with his demand that our forgiveness was to be limitless. He followed this with the parable of the unmerciful servant.

In this story, a servant owed the king an astronomical amount and was brought before his lord and master. He was told to pay up or be sold (along with family members and possessions) to repay the debt. The servant begged for mercy (not getting what he deserved) and time to repay. He was granted grace (more than he could ever deserve) and the debt was completely canceled.

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(There’s a deeper lesson here about being able to accept forgiveness in order to fully experience it.)

This parable presents a perfect picture of God’s forgiveness toward us. And EVERYONE needs forgiveness.

But the servant didn’t fully comprehend that cancelled debt and immediately demanded payment of a paltry sum from a fellow servant.

See how this sheds light on the Matthew 18:15-17 passage?

We must not treat our brothers–even sinful and immoral ones–with an unforgiving attitude. The unmerciful servant did that, and the king quickly had him tossed in prison until he repaid a debt he could never repay.

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your…
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“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” -Matthew 18:35 (NIV)

“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” -Matthew 18:18 (NIV)

FOR COMMENTS DISCUSSION: What insights and experiences do you have in handling conflict for restoration and reconciliation?

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