Feedback Request

The author of the opening featured in New Beginning 1061 requests feedback on the following revision:


Blisters. Again.

My entire body was covered in them: pus-filled, bursting, itching boils. They could’ve attacked when I was at home, or later, during my appointment. But no. Striking when I was sitting in the dermatology clinic, waiting for the doctor, was much funnier, right?. Other patients had zits, warts, and strange-looking birthmarks, but I was different. because One moment my skin was smooth, and two minutes later – all covered in blisters. [new paragraph] I knew my condition could freak people out, so I did what I usually do when I break out in public – I ran to a place with nobody around: the clinic’s back parking lot. Adri followed.

“Wow, Daniel!” she said. “Did you come [out] here to call Mom and tell her that you’re covered in blisters? D'you want her to [again, in hopes that she'll] bake you another chocolate cake?”

“Wow, Adri! Did you figure it [that] out all by yourself?”

She scowled. “Let’s go [back] in.”

“I can’t go in. Not looking like this.”

“I don’t care, ‘cuz [It's too hot out here,” she said. “] I’m burning up!”

The temperature was already in the nineties, but Adri had nothing to complain about. and My blistered body sweated [was sweating] under my long-sleeved shirt and pants [, while she was] wearing a pink mini and tank top.

"You're gonna miss your turn," [she told me.]