Christmas Song Blog: Day 2 – Breath of Heaven

“Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?”

That’s one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite Christmas songs. Do you hear the doubt and the fear and the longing? Do you feel it? I do. I live it.

Sometimes I think everyone can see it. I worry my wife sees it. I wonder, when things get hard, when emotions run high and money runs low, does she realize what a terrible mistake she made by tying her future to someone who knows so little?

I worry my sons sees it daily, when I don’t have the answers to his questions. I’m sure the nurses saw it when they put him in my arms. Did the fear in my eyes make them wish they were handing that precious child to someone more qualified?

I worry my community sees it. The days after the election people kept sending messages or posting on my wall asking for inspiration. Asking for me to help them put things into perspective. Couldn’t they see I didn’t have anything to give? Surely there was someone better, stronger, smarter to turn to.

If I have led anyone to believe I am doing anything other than fumbling through the darkness right now, I have committed fraud. These blogs, my posts, my books, hell, most daily conversations are just me thinking out loud. Every word I write is me struggling to make sense of all the confusion in my own life and mind. I thought everyone knew that.

I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear.

I have lain awake so many nights over the past week wishing desperately that I could be someone else. Someone who had answers. Someone who knew what to do. I am scared. I am hurt. I am lost. I am broken. And the weight of responsibility to those who came before not to let their fights be in vain and to those who come next to give him a future worth protecting, it’s crushing.

I lay there praying silently so many nights while my wife and son sleep. And I’m not talking about pretty flowery prayers. I beg God to tell me what to. Please tell me what to say, where to go, how to help. Please help me. I cannot do this alone. I simply don’t have the kind of fortitude or wisdom in me to go it alone.

In fact, that may be the sum total of the wisdom I possess. I cannot do this alone.

Still I offer all I am, for the mercy of Your plan.

The day after the election I woke up with a line in my head from an old Christian song. “I don’t know how you’re leading me, unless you’ve led me here, where I’m lost enough to let myself be led.”

Well right now I am lost enough to let myself be led. I want to be led. I am starving for guidance. I want so desperately to be better. To be the person everyone deserves. To be worthy of my call. I want to give my whole heart and mind and spirit over to a higher plan.

I hope that’s an important step toward Bethlehem this Christmas. To admit I don’t know how to get there on my own.

Maybe the first step is asking for help.

Help me be strong. Help me.