The moral life of the child and how to nurture it. Part 1.

“The mass of men have been forced to be gay about the little things, but sad about the big ones. Nevertheless (I offer my last dogma defiantly) it is not native to man to be so.” – G. K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

A while ago I was sitting with Bridget in the doctor’s office, and because she still sees her pediatrician, the TV was on a desperately energy-sapping children’s show. (I think this show pretends to channel Mr. Rogers, which I will be honest and provocative, and say I never liked all that much. But as disagreeable as I always thought that show was, this new one raises it to glossy, slicked-up levels of brain death that I did not know were possible. Do you know which show I’m talking about? I don’t know its name. Doesn’t matter.)

In any case, the topic or theme was sadness. Somehow enfolded in the veritable minky-quilt of suffocating, too soft yet unbearably grating sound that pervades this show — at least, the room was filled with a cushiony-prickly wall of background noise at all times — was a segment about sadness. And there was a lesson about sadness. And a dumb song about sadness. And there were sad unpleasant-looking CGI cartoon animal characters who inflicting their sadness on us.

The message, boiled down, was this: Sometimes you feel sad and you should wait. The sadness will pass away.

Sad.

So, this is not correct.

I am going to try to tell you why, and it might take a while, we’ll see.

I’m going to try to put into some semblance of order my thoughts when I hear the question, “How do I teach my child the faith?”

Does it seem like a non-sequitur for me to say: We parents need to develop the moral life of our children, and it’s not as hard as we think it is, nor will it require a lot of workbooks; we just need to commit.

They need to know some things; among them, God’s commandments.

 

 

We need to give them the gift of knowing when and why things make them sad, and what they can do about it. And we need to give them hope that life is more than a matter of waiting things out until we feel better — until other people do something to make us feel better.

The viewpoint represented on this stupid children’s show (please, never show it to your kids!), which is propaganda for nihilism, has pervaded even our spiritual life.

To wit, another anecdote: a series of posters on the walls downstairs at our church reference prayer. Among them, a cartoonish child is praying; the thought-bubble above her head says something like “Dear God, please take my sadness away.”

Again, adults passing along the message of futility.

I would go further. I think that we are experiencing a vast adult self-absolution project. Parents don’t know and don’t inquire into the causes of sadness in their children, because they themselves are sad, having lost their own moral compass or even the memory of having had one, or the existence of one.

As religion slides into moralistic therapeutic deism — a sort of feel-good, nice religion that makes no demands — objective right and wrong, good and evil, evaporate. We still have sadness, but we retreat into pretending it doesn’t matter.

When really, there are two reasons for sadness, no matter what your age:

1. Something bad has happened to you, not of your own doing. (It can be anything from something really objectively terrible, like financial ruin or cancer or someone attacking you, all the way to really just a feeling, maybe even a chemical imbalance.) This is a call from God to join your suffering with His. Great graces result from learning this Way. Suffering becomes a gift and a union with God. It still hurts, but you don’t just endure it, waiting for it to pass, suspending your soul in the meantime. It has meaning.

2. You have done something wrong, and of course, this presupposes that you know right from wrong. In that case, there is only one way out: repentance, sorrow, amendment. Anything other than this and the sadness only overwhelms you or you thrust it far enough down that only a hard exterior or callous indifference can contain it.

 

But if we don’t know these things, we won’t be able to pass them on to our children…

… but instead we dishonorably shift the resulting burden of purposelessness — and sadness! —  on the child.

How cold, for a parent or teacher (or TV show producer) to see the child’s vulnerability, and to offer to a little person for whom every hour seems like an eternity, the smug advice to wait it out.

Let’s inquire into a different way. An older, better way.

How fitting that today’s Responsorial Psalm at Mass extols God’s law*:

Psalm 19

R. The judgments of the Lord are true, and all of them are just.

The law of the LORD is perfect,

refreshing the soul;

The decree of the LORD is trustworthy,

giving wisdom to the simple.

R. The judgments of the Lord are true, and all of them are just.

The precepts of the LORD are right,

rejoicing the heart;

The command of the LORD is clear,

enlightening the eye.

R. The judgments of the Lord are true, and all of them are just.

The fear of the LORD is pure,

enduring forever;

The ordinances of the LORD are true,

all of them just.

R. The judgments of the Lord are true, and all of them are just.

They are more precious than gold,

than a heap of purest gold;

Sweeter also than syrup

or honey from the comb.

R. The judgments of the Lord are true, and all of them are just.

 

 

You might ask: Doesn’t Christianity mean that we don’t need God’s law anymore, because we are under the dispensation of grace?

Well, if that were the case, why would Jesus Himself have said, “If ye love me, keep my Commandments”? (John 14:15)

We have to teach our children the Commandments and the moral life. I will help you.

{Now, I do have a lot — a lot! — of posts about other aspects of raising children: how to get children to behave, to get along, to refrain from disruption, to do chores, etc., etc. If you go to the menu bar and drop down “Raising Children” you will see how much there is! If you are new here, do prowl around the archives. You may be surprised. I’ll try to round up the biggies for you.}

*In the Mass today, only one aspect of this remarkable Psalm is brought out. The beginning is also amazing, connecting the cosmos to the inner life of God: “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork” and so on. You know, reading it, I feel more cheerful already!

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