We All Make Choices

One night he (Kumar) took her (Nuraeni) with a group of friends to see a play at the village theater. They would never forget that evening, because it was the first time they touched.  In the dark, sat on a plank bench, they held hands.  Not squeezing, just holding and that was enough to make them sizzle as if a fire had been lit in their bellies. –MAN TIGER by Eka Kurniawan
I received a wonderful letter from Marin County.   It was from Julie Waller, a girl I met in high-school.  I was always quite taken with her.  She arrived as a Vietnamese refugee and she always wore these sexy white satin pants.   We remained good friends but once high-school was over we lost much of our connection, so this letter was a great treat for the reconnect after she had received my last letter.   Julie wrote:
11-28-90Dear Michael,I got your letter several weeks ago.  I thought, now is the time to reply.  I’m glad you’re doing well.  It really sounds exciting.  You’re taking classes that are leaning toward your goals (even if you decided to do something else).  I still think it’d be great for self-knowledge.I’m curious to see what you’re little nest is like.  No doubt it’s the cutest bachelor pad in town.  I can’t wait to visit.How as your Thanksgiving?   Mine was quiet.  I worked that morning and went to a friends’ house for turkey.   Did I tell you my mom is now living in Hijona, Spain and my brother lives in San Diego?  At least I have plenty of places to visit.  I’m so glad to hear your doing well.What about having a girlfriend?  I’m sure girls are lining in front of your door, waiting to get in.  I guess it’s just a matter of letting them in.Do you remember when Bonnie, Sue and I used to chase each other in your house and you liked my tight white pants?  Gosh!  Those pants were disgusting.  If I only knew how I looked I’d probably jump off of the bridge.  How ugly!  Hey, how do you like my cool stationary?Keep up with those classes…got to go.Love, JuliePhoto: Carol Lynley, Actress My mind drifted to the girls lining up at my door.   Where are they?  I guess there could be more.  My mind shifted to age thirteen.  I was in 8th grade and I took Marjorie Darrow (one of the most beautiful girls in my class at that time) to the movies on a Saturday afternoon.   I wanted to kiss her in the dark.  My palms were sweaty.  I had to pick the most romantic movie to see, too:  THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.  
The one actress, Carol Lynley, who was in the movie sticks in my mind (she even resembled Marjorie a bit).   That one scene where they are trying to shove the very overweight Shelley Winters through a small crevice to get out of the ship also sticks in my mind...    At one point I did hold Marjorie’s hand.  I wanted to kiss her and do more.   I was just so nervous and so inexperienced.   I guess all boys (and girls) go through this phase at one point or another.   I believe the simple holding of one another’s hand was enough to give us the thrill we both needed at this point.
And…then the postcard I received a couple of days later from Dorothy had a cool image on it but it made me want to take a nap.   Dorothy clearly takes that song that we both love ‘to heart’:   WALK ON THE WILD SIDE by Lou Reed. 11-30-90Dear Michael,It’s one of those times when I have a strong need to write you.  Don’t ask me why.  There are so many reasons that I can’t get into…I’m glad I went through a period of awakening when I finally freed myself from the SMART Yellow Pages Resource Center last year…but with the reawakening has come feelings of discontent and lack of tolerance for many things.  I used to accept most days (like today) when I feel like screaming.  I will no longer walk this path!

It makes me think of the comment you made about PALOMA in France:  “The life she’s living doesn’t seem the right one for her.”

Whenever I begin to think it makes it easier for me to climb into a cubicle POD with the rest of the POD people around here.  I managed to come to my senses and admit there’s no way in hell I’m going to allow anyone or anything to rob me of my WILD SIDE.On the bright side, I’m fortunate to have a few friends who walk along the same WILD SIDE and a very special person in my life that allows me to go off the deep end once in a while (hopefully, without making any judgments).  I don’t keep a journal so that makes you that much more special to me.   Thank you. Can you believe it?  It’s almost a year and I’m still at PTBS-Pac Tel Business Services.  The politics get thicker each day and the Supervisor of Collections (Jan) has been horrible…Love, Dorothy
And Paloma sent a BALARUC LES BAINS postcard a day later.   Did she know she was being spoken about?   She can be quite clairvoyant at times when I’m thinking or speaking of her or of other matters that we both discuss from our different continents.   She included a yellow stick-it note:  “You’ve probably already got this card and it’s not very original but I didn’t have an envelope big enough for the other cards I have for you…next time.”     This made me laugh.  More of what Paloma wrote:…it was nice to see some of my friends there.   I want to see PRETTY WOMAN at the movies.   Meanwhile, Jonathan is also going to do things with my parents (fun things for him).  We always celebrate Christmas twice since my parents are divorced.   First, it’s with my dad and then after that we’re going to see Alexandre’s family for NEW YEAR’S EVE.    They don’t really care for Christmas.  I really enjoy being with my family for that occasion.What are you planning to do?   I’m sure you’re going to San Francisco, right?   That must be really fun with your nieces.   Tell me.  I have to stop now.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!Love You, Paloma
And so…that Christmas Feeling has begun.   Another couple of days later I received two Christmas cards (one from my Alameda bike partner, Birda and one from the United Flight Attendant, Steven Antol).  Both cards had different depictions of SANTA CLAUS.  
Birda wrote:12-3-90Michael,It’s that time again.  I went out and bought MY Christmas present today.   Yep, I’m remodeling my bike.   New gears, derailleurs (front and rear), shift levers and chain.  I get it back on Friday.   Now all I want for Christmas is a sunny day with a good wind and my bike buddy.   So what do you say?   Wanna race?  It has to be before the 28th cuz I’m going to Vancouver for New Year’s and Christmas.   I won’t be back until the 2nd of 1991 and by then you’ll be back to school.   So…come up for Christmas vacation, ok?  Con on…say yes, please.There is one other choice (February).  I’m going to be in L.A. visiting Jan Brown.  You’ll be out of school by then.  Let me know what’s best…but fair warning…it won’t be long before I get my Christmas ride.  So you should start working out when you have time.  Ha-ha.  I mean, HO HO HO, Merry Christmas.  Love, Birda.P.S.  If I don’t see you before…have a naughty New Year.
And Steven wrote in response to my yearning to have a small Christmas Party.   I ended up not having the Christmas Party.  There’s no time and it takes so much work.  We all make choices.  I have more important things on my list.   Steven wrote a few words (and to think he was in L.A. and we didn’t even meet for an afternoon tea).   It’s just as well.  We all make choices.  It tells a lot.
Dear Michael,Thanks for the invitation.  I won’t be in Los Angeles on that day.  Have a great party (maybe the next time!).I hope that you are doing well.  I just dropped in town (LAX) to see my friend, Mark, on Sunset Boulevard.  I went to an opening.  It was great.  We spent a day in Las Vegas at THE MIRAGE and also had a great time.  I hope to see you sometime soon.Have a wonderful Holiday.  Love, Steven
“Everybody has free will.  Everybody has to make choices—choices they must live with, sometimes die with.   There are many struggles in life.  Everything in life is a struggle, and the greatest one of all is holding that commitment to keep struggling no matter what.  Cause when you lose that one, you can easily lose it all.”--Colin Channer, WAITING IN VAIN, a novel