It's now the one year anniversary of me planning to get a new phone.

Still haven’t done it. I remember thinking “after Christmas, in January sometime, I’ll get a new phone”.

Didn’t happen.

In the summer, I nearly ruined it when I went swimming in Canyon Lake with the damn thing in my pocket. It lived. One time, it fell out of the car because I had it on the seat and was gone for two days. A homeless person found it and called my cousin Ara because she’s first on my contacts list–not because I like her the best (which I kinda do), but because her name is Ara. Had to pick it up at the shelter. It lived again.

My phone’s favorite album is Hole’s “Live Through This”.

I bought it in 2008. It’s my Obama Era phone. I really kinda love it. I will bring it out of the closet one day and show my grandkids.

“This is Grampa Mike’s Obama Era phone,” I’ll say. “Obama was our first African American president. You probably learned about him in school. I was really excited about him, but he turned out pretty mediocre. Hell of a nice guy, though, and funny? Oh, my God. The dude was fucking hilarious!”

“Grampa Mike!” my son’s wife scolds me. “No F bombs around the kids!”

“Sorry.”

After the inauguration, I swear to fucking God I’m getting a new fucking phone. Jesus fucking Christ, I know I’m a procrastinator, but this is getting fucking ridiculous.