PURPLE crying and how to listen to your baby

November is National Child Abuse Awareness Month. My local church is knitting/crocheting little purple hats to donate to hospitals in Utah so that every child born in the month will get a hat. The hats are purple to remind parents about PURPLE crying, which is a normal period of crying that can't be stopped. (This used to be called colic when I was a new parent.) Anyway, I am working hard on hats (about 8 finished) and had a long conversation with my kids about babies and how to deal with them.

I certainly had babies that cried, but my husband and I are pretty good about figuring out "baby speak." I used to say my husband had "Daddy magic" because he could put a baby to sleep anywhere. He seemed to understand just how tightly a baby wanted to be held. At our high school reunion I remember him noticing a baby crying, going over to the father and asking him if he could hold the baby. In two minutes, the baby was asleep. The father sat and listened to my husband talk about how to hold a baby for another twenty minutes, since clearly he was in the presence of a master.

At one point, my husband and I made up a list of reasons that babies cry. My kids seemed to think it was very helpful and amusing, so I thought I would share it here. The items are listed in order of frequency.

1. Hungry
2. Sleepy
3. Needs to be changed
4. Uncomfortable
5. Cold
6. Wants to be held/swaddled
7. Bored (wants to be played with)
8. Can't see properly (wants to be held facing out)
9. Needs to suck (pacifier or other object like keys)
10. Wants to be naked (you'd be surprised how many times taking off all clothes made a baby stop crying)
11. Is hitting him/herself
12. Wants music/to be danced with
13. Wants to lie in the middle of the bed between two parents
14. Wants a different TV station on
15. Wants to feed him/herself
16. Wants to play with object parent is using
17. Wants whatever object sibling or friend is playing with
18. Wants full attention of parent
19. Wants book/story
20. Hates only toy currently available

I had some very easy babies and some difficult babies. Surprisingly, the ease of babyhood has nothing to do with the ease of childhood or teenagehood. My two easiest babies are also my most social, daring kids. My difficult babies were cautious, obedient kids. And my teens, well, my teens are actually really fun. I don't have difficult teens.

One of the most important principles of being a good parent is accepting that children are people. They have their own interests, needs, and wants and this is true from the moment they are born. It may be true in utero, though I don't think I ever considered the idea useful while pregnant. The idea that we "mold" our children is pretty foreign to me. We give them tips about how to live, yes. But we do that with other adults. We set boundaries for them and we need to be vigilant about maintaining them. But this is also true for other adults. The main difference is that children are dependent on us for food and shelter and love, which isn't true of other adults. (Well, most of the time.)

Listening to your baby is good practice for listening to children and teens. It's also a good strategy for getting along with people in the world in general. You don't always have to do what is being demanded, but it's useful to know what it is, and to communicate clearly.

Basic parenting involves preparing food and keeping children warm and safe. If you do that, you are actually ahead of the game. Most abuse is on this level.

Advanced parenting is when you can comfort children, advise them, and help them figure out what it is they are uniquely good at. Once you've found that, a really great parent uses resources to direct a kid toward opportunities and other people who can expand on that beginning. This involves money and driving and time. Great parents also teach kids how to get along with others, but a lot of that is done by example.