Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)... Part I: The New Characters

Part I: Because There's Just Too Much For One Post**Major SPOILER Warning, so just stop now, if that's an issue!**
Just in time for the launch of the yearly Star Wars-shaped product, here's my review of the last one!

We just recently added a copy of this film to our shelf. I guess the idea was, if we own the originals and the prequels, we can't very well justify not owning a copy of the sequels, right?


And so we got a copy of The Force Awakens, and added it to our shelf, and we watched it. This, counting when we saw it in the theater, makes the second time we've watched it.


And you know what? Even accounting for the lowered expectations from a second viewing... It's still just a low "B" for me... maybe even a "C". I'll give it this: The treatment of the old characters was (mostly) acceptable -- at least they weren't called on to do things that were majorly embarrassing or wildly out of character (for the most part). I mean, they didn't make Princess Leia rap or anything like that, so I guess that's a plus. The special effects were fine and the acting was good. I like the new characters.

And then again... Let's look at those new characters.

REY A.K.A. Luke Skywalker... but a girl!She's the only new character we really spent any significant amount of time with... yet she's not the most interesting character. She's okay. She's acceptable. But she's no Luke Skywalker. I found her abrupt transition from "not knowing she had force powers" to "fully-capable of using force powers at levels we only saw from Obi-Wan in the first movie" rather cheap. Also, for a movie that felt like it thought it was too good to have "easy surprises" in it -- who is she going to turn out to be in the second one? They heavily hinted in this one that she was related to the Skywalker family in some sense... so is she Luke's daughter, Han's daughter, or Obi-Wan's granddaughter? (I suspect the script won't be smart enough to pull off an actual twist, where they heavily hint that she's related, but she turns out to be "just some girl" -- because movie franchises love to have characters secretly connected and related to each other. This is a pet-peeve of mine, and remind me to talk about it sometime). There are also rumors that she turns out to be the actual "one foretold in the prophesy" about "bringing balance to the force" --  which would render the first six movies absolutely moot.

FINN The best new character.This guy was stolen as an infant and raised from birth to be a stormtrooper... so he should have some major psychological issues to deal with. Raised (one would imagine) by robots, in a weird, cult-ish atmosphere? He should be emotionally jacked-up six ways from Sunday, and yet, he's surprisingly okay dealing with normal human interactions, like hugging and whatnot. Besides a slight tendency towards cowardice and lying, he really seems surprisingly well-adjusted, with a healthy sense of right and wrong, so... way to go, Evil Empire? Having been raised in an inhuman atmosphere, Fin would have been a perfect "fish out of water" main character for us, our window into this weird world... but he's shoved aside so we can deal with Rey's psychological problems as a result of abandonment (which, honestly, as a plot device, just feels vastly less interesting than Fin's potential problems). I suspect the reason that Finn couldn't be our main character is that John Boyega has a wiener, and Hollywood doesn't like those at the moment. (#It's2014).

POE DAMERON (aka Ian McShane)... is One-Dimensional Quip Man. He seems likeable enough, and could have served the "loveable rogue" spot pretty well. Might have even made a good main character, and definitely a good sidekick... but WE JUST HAD TO HAVE HAN SOLO BACK AGAIN. Thus, all Poe Dameron is in this film is a plot-device delivery system. If he had been edited out of the film, no one would have noticed. (Except Ian McShane. I mean, Oscar Isaac).


MAZ KANATA a.k.a. "That is a story for another time."
Sometimes you have a character who exists only to provide cheap exposition, and that's... okay. Sometimes that sort of character has to exist just to drive the story along. But if that's what she is -- don't treat her like she's the new Yoda. And don't build her up like she's this amazing, wacky new character, like a combination of Urkel and that scary witch from Dark Crystal, and then give me something that should be in the supporting cast of the latest cheap Pixar knock-off.
Look, I understand that it's hard to computer animate a character that has too many moving bits and pieces (although Michael Bay somehow managed it in the execrable Transformers movies. And yes, I'm saying Michael Bay got something right that the Star Wars people evidently couldn't manage. Maybe because Michael Bay spent more than six months developing his movie? Just a thought?) So, if you don't want to computer animate something that's too complicated -- don't computer animate it! They promised us this movie would have "traditional effects" -- so what would have been so bad about Maz being a puppet, or a little person in heavy makeup? If she had looked like that scary witch from Dark Crystal I would have appreciated this character a whole lot more. As it is, I just find her annoying -- and the combination of being annoying and being just a cheap device for exposition means, to say the least, she does not make my "best new character" list. (Also, for a movie that seems to abhor surprises... is there a cheaper surprise than, "Little person with big voice that doesn't match their looks!"?)
BB-8 A.K.A. flash drive case.This character is just a plot device -- and possibly the plot device I like the least, because BB-8 is one of the most blatant examples of, "It happened in the first movie, so we've got to do it in this movie, too. We'll just make it a little bit different!" In the original film: R2-D2 escapes to a desert planet with a vital piece of information for the Rebellion stored in his body. In this movie, BB-8 escapes to a desert planet with a vital piece of information for the Resistance stored in his body. (You see what I'm getting at? I'm not saying cute robots are a problem, just that it might have been possible to introduce them a little more creatively.) BB-8's role in this film could have been served by a pocket in Finn's jacket. In fact, they could have cut to the chase and just have Max Von Sydow (yes, gentle viewers, they have Max Von Sydow in this film. His presence is utterly wasted) directly give FINN the flash drive (say, in a very dramatic scene where the dying Von Sydow takes a chance and gives a nameless storm trooper this piece of hope for the future -- who is so shaken by the experience that he decides to defect), and a lot of time could have been saved and two unnecessary characters would have been eliminated!

KYLO REN A.K.A "There Is No Way Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher
Could Have Produced a Child That Looks Like This."
They make it Very Clear, from the beginning, that they are not going to pull a cheap "I am your father!" moment, revealing (and telling us like five times) that Kylo Ren is the son of Han Solo and Princess Leia, long before before Han and Kylo have their big confrontation scene that would have been the logical place to have that revelation.

Really, my main problem with this character is not that he existed in the first place -- just with the way he is written. Is he supposed to be our intimidating bad guy? If so, why is he throwing big baby fits? Oh, I'm not saying he wouldn't be scary to the people who have to work with him -- but he's not scary to US, the viewers. He's not cool. He's just a whiner. So, Leia and Han raised a horrible, spoiled child ("Don't spank him, Han! It'll harm his force abilities! Oh, now he's upset! Han, apologize to your son for upsetting him!") who defected to the dark side and now is a big, spoiled man-child for the new evil emperor, Snoke.

How am I supposed to feel about him? It's clearly not the wished-for happy ending for Leia and Han, so that's a disappointment. He's not a scary villain, so that's a disappointment. He's just a big whiney baby. Am I supposed to disdain this character and find him a big waste-of-space? Is that what you were going for, Star Wars? If so... why? 
SNOKE Okay, not really -- but might as well be. In fact, this would
have been considerably more interesting!
Snoke (it's only one letter off "snake", and snakes are bad and scary! GET IT?!) is another overly-simplified CGI monstrosity. No complicated moving bits here -- just a screen-capture of Andy Serkis. He's the new evil-emperor character, and I really don't understand why he had to be CGI. I heard that the filmmakers claimed that you couldn't get an actor to look that thin and old with practical effects, which I call B.S. on. EVER HEARD OF MAX VON SYDOW?! That thin, old man you featured for three seconds at the beginning of your film? He would have made a great evil emperor! Maybe a bit predictable as far as casting goes, but let's just say it -- having a CGI character played by Andy Serkis is the apex of predictability.


"It's like 'Smoke', and smoking is bad for you! GET IT?!"Rumors about who "Snoke" really is abound -- he might be cloned Darth Vader, cloned Evil Emperor, or the fabled "Darth Plagueis" (who might, or might not, be Darth Vader's dad? It's really unclear). Then again, he might just be some guy. Honestly, I JUST DON'T CARE! He's not that interesting! He's a dull character who had nothing to do in this film besides issue some vague orders and threats. Some people would call the character "subtle" -- but they would be people who don't know what they're talking about and read too much into things. This isn't Shakespeare, this is Star Wars, a series of films with clear-cut heroes and villains (except in the prequels, but that's a story for another time.) If Snoke had been removed from this film -- or, if we couldn't remove him entirely, if you only heard his voice -- it would have been one thousand percent better.

Well, that's all the important new characters. Next, I'll talk about the old characters, and my main problem with this movie.