In Which I Post a 10-minute Play, THE RELIC
It goes like this: Emily gives us a prompt: "It's all your fault." That becomes the first line of the play you will write, without stopping, for at least 20 minutes. The idea is not to come to the play with any preconceived ideas about plot, characters, or setting. You just start writing and "discover" where you are as you compose.
I've never been a fan of this approach. I have trouble fooling myself into believing my characters will subsume my will and take on lives of their own. At some point (preferably early), the author has to make choices. Otherwise, you do the writing equivalent of a vamp. Backandforthbackandforthbackandforth with no discernable purpose.
But if you give over to it, someone eventually jumps up and does something. Pulls someone's hair. Opens a file drawer and pulls out a pair of snakeskin boots. Eats a bad éclair. That's when the fun starts.
And I had fun!
Here's what I wrote for the prompt "Not one dime." Since the exercise, I've tweaked about 20% of it. Please leave a comment and tell me what you think. (If you like it, please don't steal it. It's copyrighted.) Rated MAL.
THE RELIC
SETTING: A cruddy pawn shop in Manhattan.
AT RISE: BOBBY, a scavenger just this side of homeless, stands opposite PHIL, the proprietor.
PHIL Not one dime.
BOBBY Aw, c'mon!
PHIL She's in bad shape, Bobby.
BOBBY But she's gotta be worth SOMEthing.
PHIL Not to me.
BOBBY But maybe to one of your customers, right?
PHIL Have you taken a close look at her?
BOBBY You could fix her up.
PHIL I'm not in the business of fixing up, Bobby. I'm in the business of selling. Take her out of here.
The door bell jingles. A distinguished GENTLEMAN ENTERS.
GENTLEMAN Excuse me.
PHIL Yessir.
GENTLEMAN Do you have any Beanie Babies?
PHIL A couple, yeah. In the glass case over there. Let me know if you'd like to see anything.
GENTLEMAN Thank you kindly.
HE EXITS
BOBBY People still buy Beanie Babies?
PHIL Hell, yeah.
BOBBY How much?
PHIL I think I got a couple hunnert on the ones in the case.
BOBBY A couple—! Jeezus. What'd you pay the poor bastard who sold them to you?
PHIL I'm getting' kinda busy here, Bobby, so if you don't have anything else.
BOBBY Well, I do, actually. Have something else.
PHIL (Sighs.) Let's see it then.
BOBBY produces a fist-sized box, places it delicately in front of PHIL.
PHIL What's this?
BOBBY Open it.
PHIL You open it.
BOBBY opens it. PHIL grimaces, disturbed.
PHIL What is that?
BOBBY A relic.
PHIL What do mean, a relic?
BOBBY You know. A piece of a saint.
PHIL This is a piece of a saint?
BOBBY Swear to God.
PHIL What piece?
BOBBY Don't you wanna know which saint?
PHIL No, I wanna know which piece. I don't like the way this thing looks.
BOBBYIt's a uterus.
PHILSay that again?
BOBBYIt's a uterus.
PHIL Get outta here.
BOBBYTouch it.
PHIL I ain't touchin it. You touch it.
BOBBY places the gray, shriveled organ in the palm of his hand.
PHIL Jeezus. A uterus. Ugly thing, ain't it?
BOBBY It's old.
PHIL It's also ooghing me out. Get it outta here.
BOBBY Don't you wanna know what saint it belongs to? The GENTLEMAN ENTERS.
GENTLEMAN Hello. Sorry.
PHIL Yessir.
GENTLEMAN May I see the Beenie Baby in the case?
PHIL Yessir. Which one?
GENTLEMAN Both, if you don't mind.
PHIL Yessir. I'll bring them to you. Won't take a second.
PHIL EXITS.
BOBBY So. You collect Beanies, huh?
GENTLEMAN I do, yes.
BOBBY Like, for your kids, or whatever?
GENTLEMAN No, for me.
BOBBY That's cool.
GENTLEMAN You collect Barbie dolls?
BOBBY Yeah. I can't unload this bitch, though. I think she's been hung from one too many ceiling fans, if you know what I mean.
PHIL ENTERS, places two Beanie Babies on the counter.
PHIL Here you are, sir.
GENTLEMAN Do you mind if I examine them?
PHIL Knock yourself out.
The GENTLEMAN takes out a loupe and examines the Beanies as a jeweler might. BOBBY looks at PHIL as in "Getta loada this guy."
PHIL (cont.)Excellent condition as you can see. The original tags are still on them.
GENTLEMAN I'll give you $50 for the pair.
PHIL A hunnert.
GENTLEMAN Seventy-five.
PHIL Sold.
BOBBY Jeezus. $75 for that Chinese crap?
PHIL Hey! (To the GENTLEMAN) I'm sorry, Bobby ain't right in the head.
BOBBY There's nothin' wrong with my head.
GENTLEMAN Quite all right. You'll take a check?
PHIL I prefer cash if you have it.
GENTLEMAN Of course. Here you are.
PHIL Lemme get you a bag here.
GENTLEMAN That won't be necessary.
THE GENTLEMAN puts one Beanie Baby down the front of his pants, then the other.
GENTLEMAN Thank you.
PHILSure. Come again.
The GENTLEMAN EXITS.
PHIL Takes all kinds, huh?
BOBBY Thank God he didn't buy my Barbie.
PHIL I'm lockin' up, Bobby.
BOBBY What about my uterus?
PHIL Put it on eBay.
BOBBY I didn't even tell you the saint yet.
PHIL I don't care. Take it with you.
BOBBY It's Mother Teresa.
PHIL Mother Teresa.
BOBBY Yep.
PHIL That's Mother Teresa's uterus.
BOBBY Yep.
PHIL Lemme see it again.
BOBBY opens the box, puts it carefully in front of PHIL. PHIL picks up the uterus and throws it across the room.
BOBBY Hey! Goddammit, Phil!
BOBBY retrieves the uterus.
PHIL I'm lockin up, Bobby.
BOBBY A little respect here! It's not a fuckin' tennis ball.
PHIL Let's go.
BOBBY What about my Barbie?
PHIL Time for her to go, too.
BOBBY Ten dollars, Phil.
PHIL Not interested.
BOBBY You owe me.
PHIL How you figure?
BOBBY You just threw Mother Teresa's uterus across the room.
PHILCut the crap, Bobby. You stole that thing, whatever it is, from the Body Exhibit.
BOBBYIt's a uterus.
PHILThat may be, but it don't belong to no saint.
BOBBYSays you.
PHIL Out. All three of you. Let's go.
BOBBY Ten dollars for my Barbie!
PHIL No deal.
BOBBY Five!
PHIL If I give you five, you'll get out?
BOBBY Swear to God.
PHIL Aw right.
HE opens the cash register.
BOBBY For another buck I'll throw in the uterus.
PHIL sighs, gives him another buck.
BOBBY Thanks, Phil. I'll see ya tomorrow.
PHILI'm all aflutter.
BOBBY leaves.
PHIL picks up Barbie with one hand, picks up the uterus with the other, and makes them talk to each other. Simply, with no malice. Childlike, even.
PHIL (In a Barbie voice) Bitch.(In an old lady voice) Whore.(In a Barbie voice) Scag.(In an old lady voice) Tennis ball.
PHIL smiles at his own silliness, then places the items on the shelf. The door jingles. A WOMAN ENTERS.
PHILHelp you, ma'am?
WOMANWell, I don't know. I'm looking for a gift for "the man who has everything."
PHILKind of gift?
WOMANI don't know, really. I thought maybe you might have an idea. Something old and creepy?
PHILDoes he like Barbie dolls?
WOMANNo, I don't think so.
PHILWell, I do have one thing. It just came in today. Tell you the truth, I'm not sure what it is.
HE lifts the box from the shelf and places it in front of her.
WOMANWhat is it?
PHILOpen it.
SHE opens it.
PHILBet he doesn't have one of those.
WOMANOh, my God. It's Mother Teresa's uterus!
PHIL reacts.
END
From July 13 – 24, I attended the Southampton PlaywritingConference, and every other day, had a workshop with Emily Mann, the notedplaywright and artistic director at McCarter Theatre in Princeton, NJ. Emily isa great fan of "free writing," and for 10 days, that's what we did.
It goes like this: Emily gives us a prompt: "It's all yourfault." That becomes the first line of the play you will write, withoutstopping, for at least 20 minutes. The idea is not to come to the play with anypreconceived ideas about plot, characters, or setting. You just start writingand "discover" where you are as you compose.
I've never been a fan of this approach. I have troublefooling myself into believing my characters will subsume my will and take onlives of their own. At some point (preferably early), the author has to makechoices. Otherwise, you do the writing equivalent of a vamp.Backandforthbackandforthbackandforth with no discernable purpose.
But if you give over to it, someone eventually jumps up anddoes something. Pulls someone's hair. Opens a file drawer and discovers a pairof snakeskin boots. Eats a bad éclair. That's when the fun starts.
And I had fun!
Here's what I wrote for the prompt "Not one dime." Since theexercise, I've tweaked about 20% of it. The rest tumbled out. (If you like it,please don't steal it. It's copyrighted.)
THERELIC
SETTING: Acruddy pawn shop in Manhattan.
ATRISE: BOBBY,a scavenger just this side of homeless, stands opposite PHIL, the proprietor.
PHIL
Not one dime.
BOBBY
Aw, c'mon!
PHIL
She's in bad shape, Bobby.
BOBBY
But she's gotta be worth SOMEthing.
PHIL
Not to me.
BOBBY
But maybe to one of your customers,right?
PHIL
Have you taken a close look at her?
BOBBY
You could fix her up.
PHIL
I'm not in the business of fixingup, Bobby. I'm in the business of selling. Take her out of here.
Thedoor bell jingles. A distinguished GENTLEMANENTERS.
GENTLEMAN
Excuse me.
PHIL
Yessir.
GENTLEMAN
Do you have any Beanie Babies?
PHIL
A couple, yeah. In the glass caseover there. Let me know if you'd like to see anything.
GENTLEMAN
Thank you kindly.
HEEXITS
BOBBY
People still buy Beanie Babies?
PHIL
Hell, yeah.
BOBBY
How much?
PHIL
I think I got a couple hunnert onthe ones in the case.
BOBBY
A couple—! Jeezus. What'd you paythe poor bastard who sold them to you?
PHIL
I'm getting' kinda busy here, Bobby,so if you don't have anything else.
BOBBY
Well, I do, actually. Have somethingelse.
PHIL
(Sighs.)
Let's see it then.
BOBBYproduces a fist-sized box, places itdelicately in front of PHIL.
PHIL
What's this?
BOBBY
Open it.
PHIL
You open it.
BOBBYopens it. PHIL grimaces, disturbed.
PHIL
What is that?
BOBBY
A relic.
PHIL
What do mean, a relic?
BOBBY
You know. A piece of a saint.
PHIL
This is a piece of a saint?
BOBBY
Swear to God.
PHIL
What piece?
BOBBY
Don't you wanna know which saint?
PHIL
No, I wanna know which piece. Idon't like the way this thing looks.
BOBBY
It's a uterus.
PHIL
Say that again?
BOBBY
It's a uterus.
PHIL
Get outta here.
BOBBY
Touch it.
PHIL
I ain't touchin it. You touch it.
BOBBYplaces the gray, shriveled organ in thepalm of his hand.
PHIL
Jeezus. A uterus. Ugly thing, ain'tit?
BOBBY
It's old.
PHIL
It's also ooghing me out. Get itoutta here.
BOBBY
Don't you wanna know what saint itbelongs to?
TheGENTLEMAN ENTERS.
GENTLEMAN
Hello. Sorry.
PHIL
Yessir.
GENTLEMAN
May I see the Beenie Baby in thecase?
PHIL
Yessir. Which one?
GENTLEMAN
Both, if you don't mind.
PHIL
Yessir. I'll bring them to you.Won't take a second.
PHILEXITS.
BOBBY
So. You collect Beanies, huh?
GENTLEMAN
I do, yes.
BOBBY
Like, for your kids, or whatever?
GENTLEMAN
No, for me.
BOBBY
That's cool.
GENTLEMAN
You collect Barbie dolls?
BOBBY
Yeah. I can't unload this bitch,though. I think she's been hung from one too many ceiling fans, if you knowwhat I mean.
PHILENTERS, places two Beanie Babies onthe counter.
PHIL
Here you are, sir.
GENTLEMAN
Do you mind if I examine them?
PHIL
Knock yourself out.
TheGENTLEMAN takes out a loupe and examinesthe Beanies as a jeweler might. BOBBYlooks at PHIL as in "Getta loada thisguy."
PHIL(cont.)
Excellent condition as you can see. Theoriginal tags are still on them.
GENTLEMAN
I'll give you $50 for the pair.
PHIL
A hunnert.
GENTLEMAN
Seventy-five.
PHIL
Sold.
BOBBY
Jeezus. $75 for that Chinese crap?
PHIL
Hey!
(Tothe GENTLEMAN)
I'm sorry, Bobby ain't rightin the head.
BOBBY
There's nothin' wrong with my head.
GENTLEMAN
Quite all right. You'll take acheck?
PHIL
I prefer cash if you have it.
GENTLEMAN
Of course. Here you are.
PHIL
Lemme get you a bag here.
GENTLEMAN
That won't be necessary.
THEGENTLEMAN puts one Beanie Baby downthe front of his pants, then the other. Heturns to Phil.
GENTLEMAN
Thank you.
PHIL
Sure. Come again.
TheGENTLEMAN EXITS.
PHIL
Takes all kinds, huh?
BOBBY
Thank God he didn't buy my Barbie.
PHIL
I'm lockin' up, Bobby.
BOBBY
What about my uterus?
PHIL
Put it on eBay.
BOBBY
I didn't even tell you the saintyet.
PHIL
I don't care. Take it with you.
BOBBY
It's Mother Teresa.
PHIL
Mother Teresa.
BOBBY
Yep.
PHIL
That's Mother Teresa's uterus.
BOBBY
Yep.
PHIL
Lemme see it again.
BOBBYopens the box, puts it carefully in frontof PHIL. PHIL picks up the uterus and throwsit across the room.
BOBBY
Hey! Goddammit, Phil!
BOBBYretrieves the uterus.
PHIL
I'm lockin up, Bobby.
BOBBY
A little respect here! It's not afuckin' tennis ball.
PHIL
Let's go.
BOBBY
What about my Barbie?
PHIL
Time for her to go, too.
BOBBY
Ten dollars, Phil.
PHIL
Not interested.
BOBBY
You owe me.
PHIL
How you figure?
BOBBY
You just threw Mother Teresa'suterus across the room.
PHIL
Cut the crap, Bobby. You stole thatthing, whatever it is, from the Body Exhibit.
BOBBY
It's a uterus.
PHIL
That may be, but it don't belong tono saint.
BOBBY
Says you.
PHIL
Out. All three of you. Let's go.
BOBBY
Ten dollars for my Barbie!
PHIL
No deal.
BOBBY
Five!
PHIL
If I give you five, you'll get out?
BOBBY
Swear to God.
PHIL
Aw right.
HEopens the cash register.
BOBBY
For another buck I'll throw in theuterus.
PHILsighs, gives him another buck.
BOBBY
Thanks, Phil. I'll see ya tomorrow.
PHIL
I'm all aflutter.
BOBBYleaves.
PHILpicks up Barbie with one hand, picks upthe uterus with the other, and makes them talkto each other. Simply, with no malice. Childlike,even.
PHIL
(In a Barbie voice) Bitch.
(In an old lady voice) Whore.
(In a Barbie voice) Scag.
(In an old lady voice) Tennis ball.
PHILsmiles at his own silliness, then places theitems on the shelf.
Thedoor jingles. A WOMAN ENTERS.
PHIL
Help you, ma'am?
WOMAN
Well, I don't know. I'm looking fora gift for "the man who has everything."
PHIL
Kind of gift?
WOMAN
I don't know, really. I thoughtmaybe you might have an idea.
PHIL
Does he like Barbie dolls?
WOMAN
No, I don't think so.
PHIL
Well, I do have one thing. It justcame in today.
HElifts the box from the shelf and places it infront of her.
WOMAN
What is it?
PHIL
Open it.
SHEopens it.
PHIL
Bet he doesn't have one of those.
WOMAN
Oh, my God. It's Mother Teresa'suterus!
PHIL reacts.
END
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