Cliff Notes for Men

I don’t know how many times I and other romance readers have proclaimed: “If only men would read romance, they would ‘get’ what women are seeking,” at least when it comes to the sexual side of romance. I’ve said that to my husband plenty of times. The problem is, in order to glean this valuable information, he has to sit down and read a romance—probably several of them, to get the full gist of the message—and he’d rather be dragged behind a pickup truck over hot asphalt.

Because I think he’s a pretty good representation of the straight male out there, the ones we love to pieces and yet who can drive us insane, we’re going to do them a solid. Here’s a short summary of the most valuable things a man could learn from reading romances:

Dying for us is not sexy. Vacuum the living room instead. You know how all those songs talk heroically about dying for their lady love? Yeah, that’s all well and good, but you know what we’d appreciate far more, since it’s way more relevant to our day-to-day lives? Help us cut down on our to-do list. You will be amazed how much more amenable we are to being seduced if we have less chores. Vacuum, take out the trash, offer to walk the dogs or go get the groceries—all without being nagged. And if you’re like my husband, unsure exactly what I need done, here’s a great idea. The following words (when sincerely uttered) have the same effect as foreplay, such that they should be considered foreplay: “Tell me what can I do to help you.”

Kissing – we love kissing. You remember how Richard Gere integrated the “hands cupping the face and neck move” into his way of kissing, and it became one of his very sexy trademarks? Women melted watching him do that, because touching and stroking a woman’s face while kissing her lips is a way of saying “I see you. You’re not just a body. I could kiss you all day long and be content.” There are a million ways to do kisses, and discovering them is like learning a language together. And on that same note…

Our body is not a target at the gun range. Aiming for center mass (aka “the naughty bits”) with every shot may get you going, but we’re left far behind in the arousal department. Try this. For at least the first fifteen minutes of foreplay, act like her breasts, nipples and that place between her legs do not exist. Yes, I said AT LEAST 15 minutes. Focus on kissing her lips, her neck, the top point of her spine, or that sweet spot at the juncture between her throat and shoulder (referencing the kissing suggestion above). Touch her body everywhere else. And do it slowly, in a lingering way. You’re not giving the dog a frenetic belly rub to make her back leg pedal. Make your lady feel like you’re savoring every inch of what you’re touching, and discovering her body all over again.

Think of our naughty bits like a Tootsie Pop. Work from the outside in. When you do start zeroing in on those spots that interest the male mind the most, cup and caress the breasts, stroke and trace the curves, before working toward the nipples for that finger clamp you’re itching to do. Play your fingers and lips along her inner thighs, and feather your breath over her sex as you murmur to her. If, thanks to suggestions two through four, she’s panting and squirming with arousal by the time you start getting to the actual sex, you are doing it RIGHT.

Be persistent and assertive. I want to go back to the very first suggestion, about helping us with our to-do list. We know we’re hard to figure out. We have trouble figuring ourselves out, to be honest. The thing that feels good in the bedroom on Thursday doesn’t feel as good two weeks later, then two days later, it feels awesome. Sometimes we’re so caught up in the forward momentum of the to-do list that, when you say “How can I help you?” we’ll automatically say, “I’m fine, I don’t need help.” We think you don’t mean it, it will take too long to explain, you won’t do it right, etc. But if you put a hand on our shoulder, make eye contact and say, “I mean it, I want to help. Tell me what you need done,” it gets through.

Because all of the things above have the same message. It takes effort to reach us, because sometimes we’re so used to handling and orchestrating things, it’s hard for us to step out of our own way and not only let someone else lead, but to believe that’s sincerely what they want. It also helps us consider that we can allow things to be done a little differently, if the result is we get more time to be intimate with our significant other.

Okay, one more, but I’m not making it part of the list, because it’s a bonus-points-on-the-test kind of thing. Learn to dance. No, you don’t have to learn how to gyrate your pelvis like Michael Jackson. Learn to waltz, contra dance, line dance, 50s dancing, et cetera. Doesn’t really matter. Just know enough so you can firmly take your girl’s hand and lead her out onto the floor, rather than her dragging you or having to go out there by herself. Watch Will Smith’s classic instruction to Kevin James in Hitch if you need to know how to handle those fast dances that terrify you. And even if you don’t think you’d ever want to do it in public, taking lessons together still earns you points, because it’s fun to do as a couple and because you can spontaneously ask her to dance one night on your back deck or in your living room and get the same high marks for relationship effort.

Final instruction to the ladies. In order for any of the above to work, we have to do our part as well, ladies. These days popular culture does a good job of marginalizing men and tearing them down, ridiculing fathers and husbands routinely in commercials, movies and sitcoms. Since we’re going through our days at 100mph multi-tasking, we ourselves tend to be impatient and often miss when they’re making true effort to be good partners and lovers. When we read a romance and the hero arranges to have a picnic lunch in a romantic spot (and the heroine didn't have to set up the whole thing for him, including preparing the lunch, lol), or he addresses the heroine’s often overwhelming obstacles with actions that say, “Hey babe, I’ve got this,” it gives us a romantic sigh. In real life, our partner may have to say, “Yes I want to do groceries, but you’re going to have to help me know what size/brand of things you want, and the first couple times I may bring home the wrong things.” That’s okay. Help him learn. Be patient, loving and appreciative. Goes back to kindergarten. Treat him the way you want to be treated.

Because the guy who’s truly trying to understand that proper seduction technique is about our hearts, minds and souls first and our body last, is even better than that romance hero. Unlike the hot guy on the page who fictionally always knows how to do everything right, the man with whom we share our life is the guy we love, with all his imperfections. And if he’s the right guy, he loves us with all of ours, too.

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Nearly 10 days until the release of Medusa's Heart