The Balancing Act: Kind Ways of Saying No

Remember Phoebe Bouffet on Friends? That quirky, direct and unapologetic character played so brilliantly by Lisa Kudrow? She had a great way of saying no:“Oh I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”Or you could pull a Simon Cowell and state authoritatively:“It’s a no from me.”If only it were that easy right?Part of what makes politely declining yet another demand on our time is that often, those asking refuse to take no for an answer. This is especially true of interactions with women. When men say no, it is more often assumed they mean it. Sometimes women’s answers don’t get credit for being iron clad. Call it socialization, politeness or worry of causing offence. Regardless, no means no.I always tell my kids there's a kind way to do everything. The following list is complements of Julie de Azavedo Hanks.* You may find having a ready answer in your back pocket is just the thing you need to stand your ground.-I can’t give you an answer right now. Will you check back with me closer to the time?-I want to but I’m unable to.-I’m not able to commit to that right now.-I really appreciate you asking me, but I can’t do it.-I understand that you really need my help, but I’m just not able to say yes to that. I’m so sorry.-I’m going to say no for now. I’ll let you know if something changes.-I’m honoured you would ask me, but my answer is no.-No, I can’t do that but here is what I can do. Would that help?-I just don’t have that to give right now.I would add:-That sounds amazing! Sorry I can't make it but have the best time!-I think you will be fantastic. Will you fill me in on everything afterward?-I can't help you with that but I know someone who could.Try to remember you do not owe a reason, explanation or justification for your response. If your schedule loosens up, you can always call back and ask if the offer is still open or change your mind. You can also call when you see a time with a spot where you could offer help on your terms. But taking on too much can easily lead to burnout.Certain personality types are simply not wired for constant stimulation. The idea of a party every Friday night is overload. To others, this may seem like you’re a party pooper. To you, it may be valuable recharge time. I recently attended an event for a friend because I genuinely cared about her, was proud of her and wanted to support her. She is a beautiful, social butterfly and outstanding extrovert. But everything in me would have otherwise avoided that type of event. That’s okay. When you feel comfortable doing it, you can. Other times you can’t. The same friend drove 6 hours to my Convocation ceremony despite a full calendar and work and family pressures at home.No doesn’t mean no forever. But yes all the time makes you a martyr and that’s not helping anybody. Have the strength to claim what is best for you now and share that strength with others when you deem the time is right.*© 2013. Julie deAzavedo Hanks from The Burnout Cure: An Emotional Survival Guide for Overloaded Women. JulieHanks.com. "Helpful Phrases for Saying No."