My Vulnerabilities – BDSM Community
This post has been rather difficult to write about. It has been weighing on my mind to write about my vulnerabilities and take on being vulnerable with others. But there is the other side of me, whom I call, Risque, who deletes the posts whenever I try to write something of this nature. “You are weak.” She says before she takes over and comes out with the next completed novel. There is a constant battle within me, between the light and dark sides of me, who are struggling to write on this page. Of course, Risque does get her way most of the time which is a good thing. But it is hard for me to be vulnerable with people, let alone on a public virtual blog space where everything is immortalised in magnitudes of servers and cookies around the world.
There was a person that scarred me for life – a violent ex boyfriend. He verbally abused me and hit me multiple times in a few different encounters till I ended the relationship. What followed was insomnia, nightmares and flashbacks. It lasted about two years when I was in university. I had panic attacks and almost fainted on the first day I was in campus from being overwhelmed in a totally new surrounding without anyone I knew in a different country. It was by miracle I graduated. I had to visit the university campus counsellor weekly. Risque would appear in and out of my visions and get things done. I had almost no awareness there was another side of me who was dealing with life when I was asleep. Slowly, I lost control of Risque, who ruled my life. She got the upper hand. She was smart, beautiful and got her way with people around her. I? I was nothing. Not anything, but a fool who believed in love.
To be fully “out” as a person in the BDSM Community me lots of courage. Before fetlife, there was collarme. Collarme was one hell of a dangerous creepy place to be. After the bad incident with my ex, I turned to collarme for answers. It turned out to be a bad experience as the person I met would text me all sorts of weird stuff. But now, with more visibility of the BDSM Community in general, and the availability of fetlife and munches, it has made the community a much safer place to be in.
After that bad experience on collarme, I resumed my vanilla life and ways and dated vanilla people whom I had almost no connection with. I kept my desires locked in a jar that I never showed to anyone. I did not write, dance or did anything to express myself artistically. I was living a dead life, and I was almost like a nun. Slowly, I regained my confidence through dancing and writing again. Now, my YouTube channel has over two million views. From where I started originally – it was something I never imagined would be possible.
Now, I volunteer my time for the BDSM community, and represent the community as a voice. My videos and writings allow me to reach the masses, and I hope to be the light for others in times of darkness – that is possible to live the life by your own design.
I no longer have nightmares. I have been called upon by the world to speak on BDSM topics on panels and events. I hope by my work, the awareness of our community will allow us more visibility and mainstream education on who we really are, and what we really do. This is my vulnerability and strength which I draw on to live each day as my last. I could have died – many times – in unsafe relationships. I am alive today, and for this, I thank the community for allowing me to explore all aspects of myself and unleash the powerful being within me.
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