I have things to bitch about, so I'm gonna

How come the grocery store nearest to my house doesn’t carry cranberry juice? What’s that all about? Don’t they realize I have a urine infection? What the hell are all these cranberry cocktail things? Is cranberry juice afraid to be alone? Does it have ‘issues’? Have you ever noticed that people and apparently juices who hate to be alone always talk the most, dominate the conversation? Is that why cranberry comes first in all these concoctions? Cran-apple, cran-grape, cran-carrot, cran-pom, cran-pear, cran-cuke.

Dude, I just want some cranberry juice. Don’t you realize I have a urine infection?

And how come I can’t just go to a sit-down restaurant and get a burger? Why is it always some Barbecue Bacon Blaster Burger? Why are there onion rings on it? A fried egg? Ham? Thinly shaved lamb testicles paired with lightly bruised raspberries and smothered in super secret simian sauce? What the fuck?

Dude, I just want a burger. Lettuce, tomato, pickle, and onion. Isn’t this America anymore?