The Art of the Steal
How can you be as successful, but not actually as successful, but come close to my level of success? I, Donald J. Trump, am going to give you 10 “Pro-deal, success-hacks” to make a steal of a deal anywhere, anytime. Trust me, I know a thing or two about success. I’ve made millions of dollars from the deals I’ve made. I’ve made some tremendous deals, but I’ve used my brain. My magnificently intelligent, good brain. So, I’m telling you, you’ll want to take tips from a good-brained guy like me. One who’s been successful in almost every area of life, and I mean every single area. Up there, over there, all the areas, trust me, I’ve been successful. So, do yourself a huge favor, read my tips and make great great deals!
1. Use amazing, fantastic, over-the-top language to describe what you are talking about. Since I talk about myself more than anything else, I’m usually describing my incredible qualities with unbelievable language. I really believe, if you do this, you’ll make amazing deals. I have the best words. I use all the best words at my disposal. As many as I can. Words are game-changers. Use good words. Don’t putz around with bad words. Using bad words makes you weak. Weakness won’t get you deals.
2. Use very short sentences. I don’t like my amazing sentences to go on for too long, otherwise, people get distracted. I don’t want them to be distracted from what they should be focusing on, me. Also, I am the most interesting thing going on so why would they want to pay attention to anything else? I truly feel this way. Believe me, there isn’t a more entertaining, intelligent person than me. Listen to me, I know what I am talking about.
3. Exude a lot of confidence. Whatever you’re talking about, even if it’s something you know nothing about, it doesn’t matter, believe me, just be confident. As long as you have confidence, people listen. People like winners. I’m a winner. So, you can be a winner too if you do what I say, trust me. I truly feel, in my gut, I’m not even using my really good brain, just my gut, if you have an astonishing level of confidence, you will make a steal of a deal.
4. Constantly give your audience commands in your sentences like “Listen to me” “Believe me” Trust me” “Be a winner.” People want to feel like someone is in charge. I hire and fire. It’s what I do. I make millions of dollars from my great tremendous deals. It’s what I do. But that is only because I tell people what to do. And, I can only do that because I truly believe, in fact, I know, that I am better than everyone else. I am better looking than most men; women throw themselves at me, I can’t help it. I have a very good brain. I’m absurdly smart, just ask my dear friend Bill Gates. In fact, we were on the phone just the other day and he said to me, “You know Donald, you are so smart.” Don’t believe, call him up. Call him right now. Call him!
5. Mock, ridicule and berate your opponent. You need to establish, when making a deal, that you are better than the other person. In fact, they are so dumb, woman-brained, and weak that they will just trust your judgement. This is what I live for. I don’t care about the money, even though I make millions. For me, this is truly how I feel in my gut, I love making a steal of a deal. I live for the deal. I want to make a statement about what a great great individual I am. So, make them feel dumb, like they can’t trust themselves, and you can’t go wrong.
6. Name-drop and reference notable people, often. Believe me, this works. Just ask my dear friend, and a very special person I might add, Kelly Ripa. I was just talking to her the other day and she said to me “Donald, you know so many famous and wealthy people. I feel so intimidated to talk to you.” I know Kelly, you’re not the only one. There are many people who feel that way. I could name a very long list, but I won’t. I like to stay humble.
7. Make strong, outlandish, and unsupported claims. I know, for a fact, that I am very successful. Do you know how I know that? For me, it’s not about the millions I make, it’s about the deals I make. Barack Obama created ISIS because he is a Muslim himself. He’s one, believe me. I know it to be true. I have a very good, reliable source. Also, Obama told me as much when he asked me not to run for president because I would probably win. He’s right, that’s one thing we agree on. How am I able to throw out so many claims without having to back them up with logic or evidence, simple, keep talking. Dominate the conversation. Continually congratulate yourself. Tell them you know for certain. Tell them you have sources, but can’t name them. Tell them many people agree with you. Tell them it makes sense, but don’t try to show them how it makes sense. They are probably too stupid to understand anyways.
8. Reference how well loved and respected you are by entire people groups. As a matter of fact, I was talking to the Black community just the other day. And you know what they said to me? They said to me “Donald, you totally get us. All of us. We speak as one unit. And we love you. All of us. As a community we support you. You ae so classy.” It was really quite incredible. That is one classy group of people right there. The gays also love me. Women love me, but they love me for other reasons. Ivanka said to me just the other day “Dad, if you weren’t my dad, I’d probably be dating you.” I swear she said this, I don’t lie. Trust me. She said it. You can call her and ask. Call her.
9. If someone makes a good point, or they point out examples of your greed, corruption, crooked deals, immoral business practices, ways you cheat the system that you can’t contest or challenge because they’re right, spin it into a positive. You really have to put some English on it, but I know you can do it, believe me. When Hillary said I hadn’t paid taxes for a period of tremendous time, instead of arguing, I spun it into a positive. I was able to not pay taxes and cheat the system because I AM SMART. I have a good brain. I’m able to be so corrupt and immoral because I’m smart. If you’re smart, right and wrong don’t matter.
10. And finally, blame others for your mistakes. And when you blame others, don’t limit yourself to individuals. You should probably blame entire people groups, trust me, it gets results. This is a fabulous way to get a steal of a deal. Blame entire people groups. For example, the Mexicans. Yes, it’s true, they love me. I have a great relationship with the Mexicans. But they are the source of America’s problems. They, as a whole, are all rapists and crooks. Just the other day, I was talking to the Mexicans and they said to me, you won’t believe this, it’s really incredible what they said “You know, Donald, you’re right about us. You are so right. How did you know? Anyways, we can’t get one past you. Love you Donald. We, the Mexicans, love you. So much.” It’s unbelievable, I know, but believe it, it happened. You can check. Go ahead, call the Mexicans. They’ll tell you.
You’re welcome for my ten tips. If you truly want to be almost as successful as me, Donald J. Trump, do my tips. They really are my best tips for making a steal of a deal. These tips get results, believe me, ask anyone. Ask my friend Matt Lauer, a very special person. He knows. Call him. He knows.
