No “Clowning” Around

I’ve never liked clowns. Sh*t, my mama told me to never trust a man who wears more makeup than I do, especially one who has to “draw” on his emotions (there’s a remedy for you Botox users; Priscilla Presley, I just saved your life–you’re wel-come).

Then again, every clown I’ve ever known has always tried to (or did) kill someone…the ones from outer space (yes, the 1988 film that made kids fear eating popcorn–well, dropping it on the floor–probably a movie theater ploy to stop moviegoers from being such slobs–and cotton candy and b*tched out the venerable John Vernon; I still get queasy when the bulbous-nosed clown shakes Chief Mooney’s blood and other body parts from his hand post their Mortimer Snerd act), Pennywise from Stephen King’s It (I hate looking at storm drains on a rainy day), the one from Matlock that was super cute but allergic to wigs (p****), Bozo (those kids could have easily swallowed those ping-pong balls), John Wayne Gacy (enough said)…my ex…you get the point.

And for the last few months, there have been odd clown sightings in various states–some trying to lure kids into the woods, one stabbed a teen in a small Tennessee town, one put an elementary school on lockdown, one robbed a bank….

With Halloween right around the corner, I’m sure the clown paranoia will only increase. So, folks, you better keep your grandma and your Aunt Gladys–with their heavy makeup wearing asses–in the house, because if any of you goofy-looking bastards roll up on me, even at a godd*** birthday party, you’re going to have plenty of flowers that spray water–nourishing the grass that surrounds your grave.

With police officers suffering from “tricks of the eye” and mistaking a stick of gun for a 57 magnum, Donald Trump poised to be–sh*t, I can’t even finish that statement because it’s utterly ridiculous to fathom, let alone bring to fruition–Apple sucking people’s pockets dry with iPhone 999,999,999,999, etc., we can’t afford any more distractions.

It’s real out here, and there’s no room for clowning around.