Crying (Not)

Sometime not long before I went on testosterone, I don't remember if it was on here or Twitter, I said I wondered if I would stop crying so much after I was on it and expressed the hope that maybe I would. You can get really sick of crying if you do it too much. Someone else who had experience with T said no, that doesn't really change. They were wrong, at least in my case.

Something bad happened to me last night. It wasn't catastrophic or even very serious in the scheme of things, just something that made me feel small and shitty and ashamed. Definitely something that would have made me cry before. But I couldn't. I don't think I've cried since I started T, but this was the worst I've felt since then and the first time I kind of wanted to, just to release some tension. I could feel the pressure of tears behind my eyes, but they wouldn't come out. I just got really quiet and really grim. Then I went to bed because I didn't want to think about it anymore and slept for twelve hours.

Not sure what to make of this. I never really liked crying, and sometimes when I didn't want to cry but couldn't help myself, I absolutely hated it. But it can be a hell of a release. If this is one of the tradeoffs I have to make, it's still well worth the benefits I've gained and expect to keep gaining from T, but it's ... just very strange.

Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. Again, this wasn't anything life-affecting, just a disappointing, shitty occurrence that I don't want to talk about except in generalities. Sorry to be so vague. I'm mostly posting this for the sake of my own timeline, as this journal is one of the ways I want to keep track of the changes I go through during this transition.

(I'm not saying here that men, whether cis or trans, can't or shouldn't cry. In my experience, they sometimes do. Again, this is purely my own experience and not intended to be representative of anyone else.)