New Project: Chapter 12
Twelve
Brown hill, blue mountains, green fields, gray sky. Van Morrison’s Crazy Love on the stereo, Steve’s hand in mine. We sang loud and off key, grinning like kids on a carnival ride. The rain stayed soft, a gentle spatter that made the car a haven, and in that moment I didn’t think about the weight I’d gained or my checking account balance. I was in love with my husband, the quilt-like landscape, the drive.
Unselfconscious, fully present, deeply alive – this is the state in which we thrive and yet it’s rare for most of us most of the time because the recipe for toxic love requires us to put others first and love them more than we love ourselves. It teaches us to give-to-get and that is catastrophic.
Giving must be a conscious act. It cannot be manipulative, contrived, or habit. Every decision we make is rooted in who we give to, how we give, and why. Who gets our energy, our money, our care? Who gets our time and attention? Is our gift genuine, compromise, or sacrifice? Our motives determine the quality of our lives.
For millennia, women were required to give to others, first with their bodies and then as helpmates and mothers. Punished for being proud, outspoken, or selfish, they were limited in their choices. Women today are not. We can choose, but often don’t because choosing is a revolutionary act. To choose is to risk the people we love, the jobs we depend upon, and our ability to belong. It’s safer to follow the recipe and sacrifice ourselves, safer to give-to-get than give with love, safer to abdicate power than accept responsibility, safer to pretend to be equal instead of making it a reality – that is until self-preservation requires us to acknowledge we matter.
Unfortunately, by then we’re often in crisis. Divorce, quitting a job we once loved, or other radical choices seem like our only options – and maybe they are as long as they’re for the right motives, because if they’re not we’ll just find ourselves in a similar situation repeating the pattern.
Have you ever watched a friend make the same relationship mistakes over and over again? She’s drawn to guys who abuse her, drink too much, or use her. Every time, she swears it’s different. Every time it’s the same and she can’t see it until her world falls apart and she’s sobbing in your arms. You see it right away, but don’t say anything because you don’t want to hurt her or damage your friendship.
We seldom admit doing the same thing – choosing people and situations that preserve the way we choose to see ourselves. If we see ourselves as victims, we choose abusers. If we feel like failures, we choose to be around people who validate that world view. Relationships are mirrors that reflect what we give to ourselves. When we don’t give well, they fail.
It is common knowledge that relationships only work if we love ourselves. It is also common knowledge that loving ourselves too much is taboo and we’ll be punished for it. Whether the relationship is personal or professional, the double bind exists and renders us powerless because we give others power over us when we don’t give generously to ourselves. Once we’ve given away our power, the relationship starts to sour. Then we blame ourselves for the failure and buy into the twisted conviction that if we give more to the relationship it will get better. Instead it gets worse and we become people we abhor.
So how do we end the cycle? How do we stop repeating the pattern? It’s simple. We change how we give to ourselves.
Every decision is a gift – every word we speak, every action we take. Positive and negative self-talk are both gifts. The food we consume is a gift. Do we tell the mirror we’re pretty or fat? Do we give our bodies healthy snacks? Exercise or a night on the couch? A massage, new blouse, or healthy bank account? When we look at what we’re giving ourselves and why, we begin to make different choices. Consciousness about our choices creates awareness about how we love (or don’t love) ourselves. That awareness is empowering. It also informs future choices about what and how we give, to whom, and why.
Most of us have been conditioned to see ourselves through society’s lens and value ourselves accordingly. If we’re fat, we’re ugly. If we don’t have a nice car, we’ve somehow failed. A childless woman is unnatural. Real men are strong. When we buy in, we allow society to define us. Then, we give ourselves things that maintain that definition. This is how the recipe for toxic love is spread. Society says real women sacrifice themselves for the people (or careers) they love. I would argue that women who love themselves and give accordingly do more for their families, careers, and society as a whole than those who can’t or won’t. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to convince anyone of that, especially ourselves.
