Personal crapI have this friend. Just a friend, he’s gay and I’m not remotely attracted to him, so...

Personal crap

I have this friend. Just a friend, he’s gay and I’m not remotely attracted to him, so there’s none of that going on here. In our friendship, I’m always the one who asks him to do things. 9/10 I’ll suggest something and he’ll hedge and refuse, or he’ll vaguely agree, but it’s never a firm plan. It’s always negotiable to something better coming up or him feeling tired or overwhelmed by his work. He doesn’t understand why this would make me feel like I’m not that important to him. Back in August, I had a big solo concert - at a place which is a 10-minute walk from his apartment. It was free, and he said he was going to come. He didn’t. And then he got mad at me when I asked him why he hadn’t come, when he said he would. 

I should have known. Every single time I’ve ever gotten close to a friend, this happens. I’m always, no matter how mellow or easygoing I feel like I’m being about things, made to feel like I’m being unreasonable for expecting people to keep their words - or give a word to keep in the first place. I always feel like I’m not allowed to be disappointed when people flake out on me, break their promises to me, refuse to make solid plans with me. Every single fucking time. And this is why I should just not get close to people. I would do so much for the people I care about. I HAVE done so much for the people I cared about, well above and beyond the call of duty, at their requests and without their requests. I don’t think that I ask too much, or put too much expectation on people. I don’t even ask to have as much as I put in returned in kind. I’m a firm believer that love - any kind of love - gives without asking in return, and I try really fucking hard to do that. But there also has to be balance. No relationship is perfectly balanced and that’s moderately okay. But you have to want to be in your friendship, don’t you? 

I’m just so tired of asking and being disappointed. When will I learn to just stop asking???

PS: I’m not talking about any of you. It’s only ever my offline friends who are like this.