Making Up Is a Pain in the Ass To Do

Once again I have missed a social moment. Or movement. Whatever, I completely missed the NoMakeUp thing, which is odd, because I haven’t worn make-up for years. Once I got off the promotion train, there didn’t seem to be any point. This is my face. It’s the face I take to McDonald’s and to see my grandkids and to buy chocolate. It’s the face I mow the lawn in and walk a hundred yards to get my mail in. For me, make-up isn’t necessary, but then it’s no big deal for me to go without. My neighbors don’t throw things because my lips aren’t glossy. The window people at McDonald’s do not refuse to hand over my chicken sandwich because my cheeks are pale. The plumber fixed my toilet without batting an eye at my lack of eyeliner. To me, this all seems kind of logical. And rational. Why the hell would I wear make-up?

Then I read an essay in the NYT about Alicia Keyes going without make-up and upsetting people. I have no idea why people would be upset. Alicia Keyes is gorgeous without make-up. Well, she’s just gorgeous, period, but she glows without make-up. Her statements on not wearing make-up just make sense. (And how fucking dumb is it that she has to explain why she’s not wearing something; it’s like make-up is to women what flag pins are to politicians.) And yet this is a controversy.

I remember a couple of years ago putting on make-up to go to RWA in NYC and thinking, Why? I know that larger eyes (aka eyes with eyeliner and mascara and shadow) will make me look younger because kids have larger eyes in smaller heads. I know that pink on my cheeks will give the illusion of health and that red on my lips will activate some reptile brain memory of baboon asses. I just wasn’t sure why looking like a young, healthy baboon ass was going to help me professionally. This makes no sense, I thought, but I’m living in a world where a seventy-year old con artist with a lech for his daughter is actually within reach of the Presidency, in contention with another guy who has no idea what’s happening in the rest of the world (Aleppo?) a woman who thinks the anti-vaxxers have a point and isn’t sure about wi-fi either, and another woman who thinks that talking to the press while she runs for public office is an invasion of privacy. In that context, looking like a baboon ass makes sense; a baboon ass is running for President.

What bugs me most is how many women are railing at Keyes. Women who scorn Muslim women for covering up with the patriarchal hijab are doing so buried under an eighth of an inch of equally patriarchal Cover Girl. “Don’t take my lipstick,” they’re shrieking while absolutely no one is trying to take their lipstick. The refusal of some women to wear make-up is not a mandate for all women to give it up, although wouldn’t that be nice? “No,” some women say, “because we look better with make-up.” No we don’t. We look normal with make-up because looking artificial has become the norm. Remember those two jerk commentators on Fox who bitched because women athletes weren’t wearing make-up on the podium? (“I think when you see an athlete, why should I have to look at some chick’s zits? Why not a little blush on her lips and cover those zits?”) Yeah, that’s why we wear make-up. That’s not sarcasm, that really is why we wear make-up, so people won’t ignore our accomplishments (they’re medal-winners, you moronic dickheads) to focus on our skin tone. “I know she wrote a really good book, but all I can think about is how small her eyes are. A little liner . . . .”

Of course, I’m old and that makes a difference. You get into the pushing-seventy range and people don’t care how you look because they don’t see you anyway. I’m good with that. In the interests of full disclosure, here’s how I look when I wake up and start typing. I’d tell you that I usually comb my hair when I get out of bed, but frankly, there’s a lot of Mad Madam Mim in me (you’ll notice she isn’t wearing make-up, either) and sometimes I just don’t bother.

What I’m thinking is, Mim and me, we make magic. We don’t need no stinkin’ make-up to shine. And neither does any other woman. Fuck make-up. Also, go Alicia Keyes, you look fabulous and sound even better.

I should probably comb my hair, though.

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