Nita’s First Scene, One More Time, Again, Oh God When Will It End?

So the new Nita scene is better (I think) but needs a lot of work (we all think). This post is figuring out how to do the work. Brace yourself for wonk.

The first thing I do when I’m revising a scene is go back to the basics:

Protagonist: Nita

Goal: Wants to help her brother and then go home.

Antagonisnt: Button

Goal: Wants to get Nita back home before she destroys both of their careers.

That means that the end of this scene has to show one of them clearly winning this struggle. I’m good there: Nita gets out of the car and Button gives up and joins her at the door to the bar.

So now all I need to do is break the scene down into beats and look at the motifs and repetition, focus, cut, and tighten. We’ve already gone over the song structure part of this (and HUGE thanks to Nicole Massey for the outstanding stuff in the comments) with the chorus aspect of the three cups of coffee and the three “waits” (the last one implied) as Nita tries to leave the car.

So I’m in pretty good shape here, right? Nope. Look at your beta-reader critiques. (I loved the nice things you said about the scene, too, but this is a rewrite, so we’re focusing on what went wrong.)

So in order of the most important points, here’s my response to your critiques:

JOEY AS A TURNING POINT:

Erika Kelly: 

While I love the convo between Nita and Button, the scene doesn’t really snap into shape until Nita finds out about Joey. That was when it had a spine.

CateM: 
 I love the sharp pivot when Nita realizes the victim is Joey.

Emily: I really love the moment when Nita realises it’s Joey, reaches for the third coffee she hates, and suddenly her character shifts into laser-like focus and she’s on the case and getting ready to prod buttock.

Jeanne: I also agree with the folks above who say the scene takes off when she finds out the corpse on the street is Joey. She becomes instantly more likeable because that’s when she starts to care about something.


Reb:

Until Nita discovers it’s Joey who’s dead, the scene feels like it belongs to Button.

ME: So I looked at the scene and realized the problem was that Nita didn’t have a clear and pressing goal until she finds out about Joey. This is an obscure writing guideline, that your protagonist should have a clear and pressing goal—

HOW LONG, JENNY, BEFORE YOU LEARN THIS LESSON THAT YOU DRUM INTO EVERYBODY ELSE, HOW LONG, I ASK?

–so of course I missed it in the first forty-seven drafts. Argh.

Nita has two goals here (she wants to get out of the car, she wants to solve Joey’s murder), and she goal swaps at the end of the third beat. So clearly I have to pick one and clearly it’s the goal in the last beat because that’s the strong one. But I don’t want her to know it’s Joey right off the bat. When I thought about it, it’s always struck me as not-quite-right that she’s so offhand about Vinnie’s supposed death. If she’s protecting people on the island, Vinnie’s one of them. If she’s anti-crime and fighting evil, Vinnie’s death counts as a call to action on both. Drink makes her foggy and loquacious, it doesn’t impair who she is, her central identity. So she’d want to solve Vinnie’s death, too, it’s just not personal until it’s Joey, a friend.

And that actually makes the Nita/Button conflict much better. Nita wants to do her job, Button wants to protect their careers. Nita is about fighting evil, Button is about protecting self. No, Nita is about protecting the people on the island, Button is about protecting their ability to protect the people on the island. Button isn’t selfish; she’s in put-your-oxygen-mask-on-first mode. If they get fired, they won’t be able to protect anybody. But Nita has a laser focus on protection when she’s sober; drunk, she’s just a fuzzy laser.

So:

I had some other stuff in there like “help her brother” preceding “solve the murder” and “allay her partner’s fears,” but those are extra motivation and complication, not goals. Also I had “solve the murder” not “find the killer,” and I needed both.

So great, now I have a clear and pressing goal, all I have to do is strengthen those turning points. And rewrite the whole thing. Piece of cake.

But it’s still too long so there’s

WHERE TO CUT:

Denisetwin: I love it, but you are right too long. Can you get rid of the paragraphs 3 through 7, you describe the scene elsewhere during various conversations, no need to repeat. Keep first and second paragraphs then go to “So we’re not picking up your brother at this bar because he lost his keys,” . . .

Janis: I think you can leave Nita’s romantic history until later. The whole conversation seems designed to learn how much Button found out at drinks. I liked that it established how Button learned things by being chipper, but do we need all the deets right now?
General tightening all around will take care of it

Jennifer

: The only things I’d say to fix is that the coffee references from everyone else get overhammered after awhile, and ditto the pajamas. (Nothing wrong with PJ’s, but after awhile I was all, “she’s wearing ’em, let it go.”) I may be biased as a coffee hater though–I can’t imagine chugging down three cups of that swill no matter how bad off I was

Cate M: Possible cuts:-I don’t think you need to explain why Nita has Button’s cell phone number programed. That felt like justifying.-Nita says she’s not psychic a lot. You could probably cut out one or two of the “you’re psychic/ I’m not psychic” back and forths.– I don’t think you’d lose anything by moving the birthday mention to the next scene. I like that it’s their birthday, but I can wait a page to find out

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Clancy: There is some back and forth after “How did you get that already?” that seemed complicated for Button to expect a drunken person to follow. I’d get dead simple, esp if I didn’t know them well enough to judge capacity. 
Loved the reappearing coffees but not the repeating dialogue. Description of action could cover some of it. But I’m currently trapped in repetition so my sensitivity may be over high.
that self awareness “They say I’m cute as a button. But then they tell me things. So I put up with it.” resonates and could hook up some of the repetition about Button knowing stuff. 


Carolc: I skimmed the description of the scene. There was nothing happening there.

Kate George: 
I think you should cut precisely 6 words:
“as she surveyed the crime scene” because the paragraph flows better without it and it becomes clear it is a crime scene pretty fast.


Reb: 

the description of the bar (para 3) is a bit long. At that point, I want to hear about the crime . . .the comments about normal/abnormal didn’t quite work for me. Maybe just a bit long? I don’t think we need to know it’s her birthday. She’s reacting like she is because she’s sick AND she got drunk AND her brother called for help AND she drunk dialed Button AND it’s her birthday – that just feels like one AND too many.

ME: I can cut most of the description easily. I need the birthday in there because it has to be mentioned in the third scene, but I can scale it back to Mort saying, “Happy birthday” because I think he would. I can knock the pjs and ‘that won’t sober you up’ stuff back to three because the rule of threes really works (it’s Really More of a Guideline). But I think that focusing Nita’s goal is going to take care of a lot of this because the stuff that doesn’t matter will fall away. I think.

After that, it was all character stuff.

CLINT

Emily: The explanation of Clint felt to me a little like Exposition Fairy. He also didn’t feel like someone who would climb into the car to deal with the situation – he felt more like someone who would loom and lean and try to control things without putting himself level with the others. But we haven’t seen all of him yet

CateM: what if Clint doesn’t get in the car? Getting in the car feels like settling in for a discussion. If he’s just got a car door open or a window open or whatever, and he’s trying to get them to leave, that’s a naturally shorter interaction then him settling in to the back seat to argue with Mort. If actions matter more than words, getting in the backseat makes it seam like he wants Nita near, even if he’s telling her to leave.

Muria: Do we need to meet Clint now? She’s already fighting her illness, and Buttons about the poodle pants.

ME: We need Clint now, but we can fix some of this. He gets in the car because he wants to see Nita, but that’s not clear on the page. He gets into the car to be the logical, rational adult to her child, which is one of the reasons he got dumped, but then you wonder why Nita was with him. That doesn’t have to be addressed here, but he needs to be in this first scene in the car. I just have to make it work better. A couple of you also suggested Frank should go, but I need him in here, for several reasons, not the least of which is that when a strange car parks at a crime scene, somebody goes to see why. That’s a reason to keep him, along with the knowledge that he tells Clint everything.

BUTTON

Non-writer Beth: I really like the improvements to Button in this one

Diane: 
I like both Nita and Button. I hope they end up friends

CateM: I love Button’s coffee cups. Really just Button being tough in small, everyday ways.

Emily: I love Button in this version. Particularly the line about unobtainium button. And about the guys taking her out for drinks. . . I love the coffee – it speaks volumes about both Nita and Button and how their relationship is shaping up

Meredith

: Loved Button’s new attitude: “I just don’t want you to hurt your career. Or mine.” and “I just drank that. / I bought three.” (that exchange was a nice payoff) and “I am begging you not to get out of this car.” 


Jeanne: Love the hints that Button is more than she seems on the surface.

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JulieR:
 Button reminds me a bit of Radar O’Reilly from M*A*S*H, what with always having the coffee ready to hand to Nita. She’s so much stronger than before, which I think is an improvement.

.

Trudy: My only suggestion is when Button says people think she’s cute and people tell her stuff, switch that so Nita is the one who says that to Button.

Bridget: Does Button strike you as the sort of person who leaves her doors unlocked? Because both Mort & Clint get in without her opening the door.


Kick

: I loved the “patter of Button’s little feet”

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Carolc

: Button! I’m becoming a big fan of Button and she really started coming alive here.

Reb

: Button telling Nita she’s scary-looking felt a bit further than Button would go on first meeting [and]” the patter of Button’s little feet” jarred. Put me back to thinking of Button as a cute child.



ME: Nita does think of Button as a cute child, which is due in part to drink. Nita’s drunk, so she’s not going to be making observations about how people tell her stuff because she’s cute. And Button has good reason to be exasperated with Nita (she’s drunk), so I’m good with her telling her she’s scary. (Actually somebody said something like that to me once and I laughed, so I don’t see it as an insult, just–as Button would say–an observation.) I think Button works for people because she has such a clear goal and she pursues it so single-mindedly, which is also just Button. It helped tremendously when I put Scene Five (I think it’s Scene Five) in Button’s PoV and realized why she’s so tense. She’s Nita’s antagonist in this scene and she’s strong; now to make Nita the same as protagonist.

Which brings us back to:

NITA

Bridget: . . . she doesn’t feel drunk to me.

Don Hoffman: In the August 4 iteration, Nita is prickly, terse, tense; and all the people and action revolve around her.
In the August 30 iteration, it is hard to tell who is driving the action: Mort? Button? Nita is limp and talkative. It feels like a completely different person has taken over the Nita body. August 30 Nita would be great at my party. I want August 4 Nita to investigate my murder.


Meredith: Wondered this: would she go into the bar to talk to devil-dude before at least a cursory glance at the crashed car and the two dead bodies? I honestly don’t know what a real detective would do. Maybe it was enough that her brother the ME had seen it. But if she would normally do that (and she isn’t now because the scene got too long) then maybe add some reference about why she’s leaving it to later? (Too drunk to manage a look at Joey without losing it, or something like that so we know she’s not neglecting a duty?)


Muria: The drunk thing isn’t really working for me either, but I’m one of those people who doesn’t enjoy the experience even before “drunk” plays into it.

I liked the last version better, personally. This doesn’t feel like “Meet Nita” as much as “Nita meets Button.” I like Button, though. 


CateM: -I like the contrast between how Nita looks and how Button looks being communicated by talking about how people treat them.-I love drunk Nita. Especially drunk Nita talking about poodles. There’s the vulnerability in Nita I didn’t get in the first couple of drafts, but still in a prickly Nita way.


Kelly S.

: I’m wondering why Nita is telling herself to focus on crime early on when she’s thinking she is just picking up Mort because he lost his keys, plus she’s off duty and drunk

Kick: Nita being drunk isn’t really working for me, and I’m not sure why you need the motif anyway besides the fact you want Button to drive her to the scene. (ie she doesn’t really sound drunk and her being drunk doesn’t seem to be causing her to act any differently than when she is sober. And why would anyone who feels sick get drunk anyway?) Can’t she just be feeling really sick? And then the shock of it being Joey dead can cause her to focus, before she relapses to being sick again? Then you can drop all the drunk and coffee conversation.


Bridget: Secondly, Clint “his usually pleasant face creased in a scowl..” Nita’s POV right? Would she think this drunk?


carolc

: Nita – I keep wanting to say she has no agency in this scene. Things happen to her, but she is kind of a wet noodle. Until she finds out about Joey. That’s when Nita came alive – not until the end of the scene. Maybe it’s not that the scene is too long, maybe it’s just that Nita is passive too long.


Jeanne: [Nita’s] POV is a lot deeper than in previous drafts, which in turn makes Nita more relatable.

ME: I’m pretty sure most of this will be solved by strengthening Nita’s goal; she’s overwhelmed right now because Button’s got all the juice. And I need to think through how drink affects Nita in this case. Yes, she has to be drunk. Since Clint doesn’t want her at the crime scene, she doesn’t really have time to look at bodies, etc. because he’s going to turf her. Mort wants her to talk to the guy in the bar, Vinnie’s in there, she’s only got a little time before Clint blows up, she’s heading for that bar. Mort will know more about those bodies that she will anyway; if it was her crime scene, she’d slow down, but it’s Clint’s so she moves fast.

INVICTUS

Susan: I’ll admit that I had to Google the Henley quote. I wasn’t familiar with the poem or even the poet, but it fits well

Kelly S:
. I also did not get the pole to pole reference and even with the hint below that it is a Henley quote, doesn’t help. I don’t know who Henley is

JaneB: Ditto. But I tend to expect references I don’t get in an American book. I stumbled over the phrase about how drunk Nita is in the first line, for example. But I also thought they might both be TV/movie references

CateM:-Black as the pit from pole to pole is not an allusion I caught. I’d either explain it now, explain it later, or cut it

Jeanne

: The Henley quote seemed familiar and when I googled it, I realized my mom quoted that poem all the time–“My head is bloody but unbowed.” Also the part about being “the captain of my soul.” So thanks for that!


Don: Is Nita going to quote 19th century English poets throughout the book? Because otherwise I don’t see the use of “black as the pit.”

Bridget: I like the Henley quote. I didn’t remember where it came from but I’m good with random bits of poetry floating around

ME: “Invictus” is one of those poems some teacher made me memorize in grade school (along with, god help me, the beginning to Evangeline and the “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” bit from Macbeth (although why the hell they were teaching Macbeth in grade school is beyond me, maybe that one was high school). Anyway, my head is full of bits and pieces of stuff I had to memorize—the landlord’s black-eyed daughter plaiting that love-knot into her hair sticks with me as does “water, water, everywhere” because that idiot shot that damn bird—and so some of them come back, as Jeanne’s mother can tell you, at odd moments and work their way into my speech. “Invictus” is a killer for that. It just showed up in there, but then I realized that it’s going to be handy, both as short hand for Mort and Nita who were in the same grade together and would have been stuck learning it together, but also because of what it actually says. If you’re writing a book about hell and the Devil, a poem about staying the master of your unconquerable soul would come to mind. I may be biased because all of my friends are quoters–Lani and Krissie and I regularly quote from Big Trouble in Little China–so a character who doesn’t drop random bits of miscellaneous stuff into speech never seems quite real to me.

The dicey bit is that not everybody had Miss Metz and got stuck memorizing this. On the other hand, it’s wildly famous, quoted by Mandela, Obama, and Churchill, used in newspapers after the 2005 London bombing (I googled), showing up in fiction all the time. It’s just one of those poems, like “Ulysses” (which I love) and “If” (which I loathe) that people quote in times of stress. So it stays. I figure most people are like Jane and will just ignore it and keep reading. It’s not like it’s in French (I’m looking at you, Dorothy Sayers).

And finally

MISCELLANEOUS

Patty: My only comment is about the boarded up window. If the window is boarded up, you wouldn’t see the neon. I got stuck on trying to get that visual.

ME: Fixed.

Susan

! I only noticed one obvious repetition (his broad face scowling at Nita. “What are you doing here?” he snarled, his usually pleasant face creased in a scowl..), . . .

ME: Fixed

Garlicknitter: I like a lot of it, and I know it’s going to get even better, but we were discussing diversity recently so I thought I’d point out that some Native Americans resent the appropriation of “spirit animal” by non Native Americans. It’s an important religious thing in some tribes. “Patronus” can be a good substitute, unless you think Nita would not be into Harry Potter at all.

ME: Nita would not think Patronus, it’s too obscure (yes, I know Potter isn’t obscure but the Patronus part is, plus Harry’s been over for awhile). I also don’t think Nita’s appropriating it. But mostly it’s impossible to write a book that doesn’t annoy somebody; conservative Christians are going to plotz over my idea of Hell and demons. Having said that, it doesn’t really serve any other purpose, so there’s no reason to keep it.

Sure Thing: When you publish Lavender… or the ragpickers go through your old works for salvageable publishable bits, whichever comes first… you’re going to have two books with people just getting into someone’s car to insist on talking to them. Is this going to be unnecessary noise that diverts from the story.

ME: Nobody’s going to remember that. For one thing, I haven’t finished either book. For another thing, people talking in cars is not unusual, even if it is a clown car/Night At the Opera stateroom trope, something I am immensely fond of and use often. I haven’t looked to make sure, but I bet there’s at least one of those scenes in every book I’ve done. The Wonder Woman party in Don’t Look Down. The climaxes of Faking It and Bet Me. Half of Agnes and the Hitman. You read my stuff, you’re gonna get the clown car scene.

Meredith: Got distracted by this line of Button’s: “So we’re not picking up your brother at this bar because he lost his keys.” I know this should be read as dry sarcasm. But on first read-through this time, I heard it as Button confessing that she’d told Nita a fib in order to trick her into getting to the crime scene. I’m guessing the line “gazing out at the mess from the driver’s seat” is meant to show that Button is surprised that they’re at a crime scene and not just picking up her brother, but the reference was too mild for me and came across as a mere observation. Just my reaction, for what it’s worth. 


ME: I think I fixed that; I rewrote it anyway.

And now I will leave this scene be until the entire draft is done. It’s good enough, it’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like some parts of it. It does what it needs to do at this point in the process.

Now back to Nick’s first scene. Doing the conflict box now . . .

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