When There Are No Glass Ceilings Lunacy Can Soar To New Heights

Legalienate Interviews Hillary Rodham Clinton

Legalienate:  Congratulations on your soaring campaign. You're now running neck and neck with Satan for the White House, although Satan's negatives are a bit lower than yours.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you.

Legalienate: Let's start with foreign policy. Before U.S. intervention Libya was a stable country with the highest standard of living in Africa. Now chaos reigns and ISIS marauds the beaches beheading people. This is widely cited as the "crown jewel" of your achievements as Secretary of State. What kind of policy is it?

Clinton:  I call it smart power.

Legalienate: What's smart about it?

Clinton: It doesn't rely solely on bombs, but uses diplomacy as a club, too.

Legalienate:  In ultimatums we trust?

Clinton:  Indeed. Say that would make a great message on our currency!

Legalienate:  Well, anything we can do to help get the word out. Turning to fostering stability by coup d'etat, when democratically-elected Manuel Zelaya was overthrown in Honduras, you said that holding post-coup elections would "render the question of Zelaya moot and give the Honduran people a chance to choose their own future." Hadn't the Honduran people already chosen their future by electing Zelaya?

Clinton: Not really, no. Democracy isn't just letting the people choose what they want. That's a child's view of elections. You also have to tell them what they need to accept. The Honduran people had been misled by anti-business policies like raising the minimum wage, so of course a more responsible government took its place. This wasn't really a "coup d'etat"; it was more like a sudden emergence of political wisdom.

Legalienate:  I see. How's that blood clot in your head?*

Clinton:  Fine, great. I've never felt better. 

Legalienate:  We can tell.  Let's move on. . . .  .Ten years ago cancer patients were paying  $10,000 a year for their medications; now they're paying $10,000 a month. Why can't the U.S. government negotiate volume discounts on drug prices?

Clinton: There's nothing wrong with making money, but there's plenty wrong with socialism. We are not Denmark.

Legalienate:  But even Donald Trump favors the government negotiating discounts with Big Pharma to give struggling seniors a break.

Clinton: That's exactly the kind of ultra-nationalist bullying that a Hillary Clinton administration will put a stop to!

Legalienate:  We don't doubt it. Let's turn to your political background. You backed your husband's crime bill, vastly expanding prison construction and establishing boot camps for juveniles, supported NAFTA, which cost the country nearly 700,000 jobs while U.S. wages plummeted, and you also supported the Commodity Futures Modernization Act, which exempted credit default swaps from regulation, helping usher in economic collapse. We have to admit that this is an extremely original interpretation of progressive politics.

Clinton:  Thank you.  I try to be creative.

Legalienate: Well, your effort is impressive. For example, you've portrayed the National Security Agency's attempt to record, collect, and store every personal, political, and business communication in the world as a generous public service that we should learn to appreciate.

Clinton:  Yes. 

Legalienate: [German Chancellor] Angela Merkel should be grateful to us for tapping her cell phone.

Clinton: She should try to be a team player, yes. America is a beacon for good.

Legalienate:  Now your average speaking fee is $225,000. How can you relate to the average American?

Clinton:  As I've said, when my husband and I left the White House we were dead broke. I'm just an ordinary working Mom. Charging $5000 a minute for talks doesn't change that.

Legalienate:  Right. Now you say you are inspired by the women of Pussy Riot.

Clinton:  Yes, very much so.

Legalienate:  Pussy Riot's claim to fame is having engaged in sexual exhibitionism and called church patriarchs "bitches" in front of the High Altar in the Cathedral of Christ the Savior in Moscow. This is heroic?

Clinton: You bet.

Legalienate: Donald Trump has called for settling our differences with Russia via diplomacy while you say that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin "must be punished." Doesn't that carry a high risk of nuclear war?

Clinton:  He's a dictator!

Legalienate:  But he was democratically elected.

Clinton:  We've already covered this. Democracy means acting responsibly, not doing the people's bidding. That's demagoguery.

Legalienate: So the U.S.-sponsored coup d'etat against the elected president of Ukraine was . . . ?

Clinton:  Democracy.

Legalienate:  O.K. Let's wrap up. Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill has some very specific wishes vis-a-vis your husband, namely, "I don't want my daughter near him." How do you plan to use the U.S.'s "First Gentleman"?

Clinton:  He'll be in charge of improving conditions for women and girls. He says he's really looking forward to it.

Legalienate:  Naturally. Thank you for your time.

Sources:

Allen, Jonathan and Amy Parnes, "HRC - State Secrets and the Rebirth of Hillary Clinton," (Broadway Books, 2014)       *Note:  That Clinton was treated for a blood clot in her head is mentioned on page 344 of this book.

Featherstone, Eliza ed. "False Choices - The Faux Feminism of Hillary Rodham Clinton," (Verso, 2016)

Johnstone, Diana, "Queen of Chaos - The Misadventures of Hillary Clinton," (Counterpunch, 2015)