What would suck the most?

is a method of predicting the future I have been perfecting for over a year now. In its simplest terms, one can determine what will happen in any given situation by determining what event or development, in that given situation, would suck the most.

The situational nature of this method is key. Obviously, what would suck the most can be blown up to any size, rendering it disconnected from the situation. For example, every time I’m late for work, I hit every stop light, making me even later. Every damn time. But, hey, a meteor could hit the earth, poking a hole through it and leaving behind a dead, desolate space donut. So what would suck the most has to stay in the immediate situation or, like most things in life, it makes no sense.

One time I was running late for work and, of course, hitting every stop light when I realized that what would suck the most would be my truck breaking down. Sure enough, two blocks later I was stranded along the side of the road. Then, a new what would suck the most reared its ugly head, a what would suck the most I hadn’t even thought of: my phone had died. Now I couldn’t even call my boss. You know what else sucks the most? I had paid for roadside assistance for over three years and never used it once and now here was the very situation that called for it and I couldn’t call for it because my damn phone had died. Grumbling “fuck it”, I took a tent out of the back of my truck, set it up along the side of the road and lived there for eight days, eating litter and roadkill and drinking dirty, cigarette butt infested rainwater. Eventually, the police came along and chased me away.

I stumbled upon what would suck the most while trying to plug a cord into hard to reach outlet. I was straining and groaning, bent over, my arm out to its maximum limit, and thought, wouldn’t it suck if I had the plug upside down and the prongs wouldn’t fit because they’re reversed?

Sure enough.

Now I was trying, out of sight and one handed, to flip the plug when I thought, wouldn’t it suck if I dropped the cord?

Sure enough.

Now I was reeling the cord back and getting ready to do the whole thing over when I thought, wouldn’t it suck if it snagged on something?

Sure enough.

You know what else sucks? Living in a 1950s era house with a bunch of electronic shit. One outlet per room is all those proto-hominids needed back in the 50s. Today we need 47 outlets, not only per room, but per wall.

You know else sucks? Having a heavy piece of furniture in front of every outlet.

(Feng shui, though, especially sucks).

I will continue to perfect my what would suck the most methodology for predicting the future, and when I feel it is ready, I will bestow it upon humanity. Murphy and his law can blow me.

I fully expect pilgrimages to my graveside after this shit.