Death grins darkly, its teeth murky digits in the arithmetic of night...
Yesterday evening, a weird-ass bug raced across my living room floor, scaring the shit out of me. It moved like lightning, putting even the swiftness of cockroaches to shame. I hunted it down, moving couches and chairs and end tables until there it was in the corner, far too large, oddly orange, and…hairy.
Normally, I capture bugs and release them outside. It’s part of a capture-and-release program I’ve had going since my discovery of Buddhist philosophy and its noblest tenet, Ahimsa.
This bug, however, was different. I would never be able to capture it with an upside down glass and an unpaid student loan bill. It was just too fast. Also, it was creepy as hell. I decided to kill it, reluctantly. Whatever it was, I didn’t want it in my house. I grabbed a nearby shoe and approached slowly…too no avail. He spotted me immediately and zipped away.
Jesus H. Christ, what a fast bug! I am still marveling at its speed, some twelve hours later. It was the Millennium Falcon of bugs, easily able to make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
I went to the internet to see if I could learn more. The only thing I could think of that remotely resembled it was a silverfish, so I started there. I knew it wasn’t a silverfish. It was too big. I did know, however, that it wasn’t an insect. It’s body didn’t look segmented and it had more than six legs. Some of those legs may have been hairs, though. I said before that it was hairy, but I wasn’t being clear. It had LONG hair. Very weird. I have heard of long-haired cats, but never long-haired bugs.
One thing led to another. I molested Google and fondled Wikipedia. I caressed image search and beckoned random bug forums with come hither eyes. Yes, there are bug forums, by the way, entire internet communities centered around bugs (both living and programming).
Eventually, I found my culprit: Scutigera coleoptrata. Say hello:
As you can see, those are legs, not hair. In the low light of my living room corner, I was mistaken. The one in my house is much more orange than this. Also, translucent–much prettier, in a terrifying way, than the drab motherfucker you see above.
Scutigera coleoptrata is a predator (a fucking bug cheetah) and feeds on spiders, bedbugs, termites, cockroaches, silverfish (!), ants, and pretty much all other household arthropods. They administer venom through modified legs. Scientists are still unsure who modifies Scutigera coleoptrata’s legs, but there is speculation that it is 3M. Conspiracy theorists, however, will tell you that it’s the Trilateral Commission. It’s always the Trilateral Commission. Duh.
So it’s a friend. Although I practice Ahimsa, I do not expect the predators who live with me here in my humble abode to do the same. The way I look at it, it’s just less bugs I have to catch with an upside down glass and an unpaid student loan bill. Scutigera coleoptrata is saving me time, making me more efficient.
The next time I see one dart across my living room floor, I will get down off the chair I jumped up on (screaming), and try not worry about it. After all, it is only an elf to my Santa, right?
HELP!!
I am always fascinated by bugs. Ever since I was a little kid. Sometimes I kick myself for not majoring in biology and then moving on to entomology. I totally aced all my biology courses in college. I would’ve been a beast. I remember the girl I dissected a shark with had specifically transferred to the lab I was in just so she wouldn’t miss Days of Our Lives. I wonder what she’s doing now? I think her name was Britneycourtneyashley. This post, tho, is about Scutigera coleoptrata.
