On Tour with Genghis Khan, Bruce Lee and Chiang Kai-shek
I used to use this blog as a dream journal far more often than I do these days, but as last night's dream was both work related and cinematic (in an indie cinema way) I thought I'd put it out there.
So, backstory - since I've not been blogging all that much. I've spent the last couple of years building my tour guide chops. Being a tour guide is wonderfully complimentary to travel writing, as often the job builds on both the skill-set (and in the case of tours I do in places I've written about) actual experiences honed as a travel writer.
But being a tour guide - especially when it comes to designing, arranging and leading longer tours - comes with more pressure. An editor will usually be OK with granting some wiggle room for a deadline (*the smart freelance writer should neither count on nor abuse this*). Tours are far more linked to logistics, and thus time is always of the essence.
Onto the dream...
I am leading a luxury tour, one blending aspects of Asian history with culture and cuisine.
What makes my tour unique is this: Among the guests and attractions are three actual figures from world history, who are taking my tour alongside regular guests who've signed on partially for the chance to travel and mingle with famous historical characters.
My three famous guests are Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan and Chiang Kai-shek, and as far as I know they're the genuine article. I'd advertised the tour as such, and anyway, it's a dream.
Cut me some slack.
The tour is chugging along, and we're somewhere in the middle of a complicated two week itinerary. The group has settled for the evening inside a vast complex that's a combination artsy outlet mall, hotel & theme park.
The place is sprawling, and I'm exhausted. The day began at 8am, and now its pushing 9pm. I'm glad that my "normal" guests have all retired to their rooms. My celebrity guests, however, demand individual attention.
I'm hanging out with Bruce Lee in a flashy disco that reminds me of any number of places I've visited and written about in Singapore. Bruce looks great in his circa Saturday Night Fever white disco suit, and is surrounded by women.
Bruce makes it clear that he intends to include me in his plans for the night. He orders a pitcher of beer and talks me up to the ladies.
I'm flattered by the attention, and excited to be friends with Bruce Lee. But I'm mildly annoyed, too, because Bruce Lee keeps trying to get me to drink beer with him, despite my telling him repeatedly that I don't drink, and anyway, I still have tons of administrative stuff pertaining to keeping the tour running to do. Honestly, I just want to get back to my room and get my work done so I can get to sleep and maybe watch a few cartoons on Adult Swim.
But I still need to deal with Genghis Khan, who is in a bad mood.
The Great Khan has been sitting in another bar, this one a Beijing-style booze and BBQ joint on the opposite end of the vast complex. He's been there for hours, drinking and eating and texting me every half hour.
I can hear Genghis Khan's low Mongol growl growing with every text. I pull myself away from Bruce Lee and the ladies, telling them I'll be right back.
The thing is, I like Genghis Khan. He's a fun guy, and the other guests find him totally entertaining, which makes my job way easier. But he's also having a bad gout attack, so he's miserable.
I've been telling him for days to cut out the wine and grilled meat and drink cherry juice, but he mostly ignores me.
So I'm not that into spending the whole night watching Genghis Khan sow the seeds of his own misery.
And then there's Chiang Kai-shek...
Throughout the tour, Chiang has been the least demanding of any of my celebrity guests. He's been generally quiet, and while happy to engage with the regular guests, he understands that he's not as well known to most of the other guests as Genghis Khan or Bruce Lee.
He's also not nearly as flamboyant, which makes him easier to deal with.
Chiang Kai-shek has been waiting for me in a Taiwanese tea house somewhere else in the complex. He's a bit lonely, and seems to just want to hang out share tea while he waxes poetic about the old days; military campaigns and so forth. He's actually a pretty sweet old guy, and seems to have taken a paternal interest in me, giving me advice on running a business and working harmoniously within Han Chinese society. I've been blowing him off for a few hours, and feel bad about it.
Walking towards the Taiwanese tea house to find Chiang (I'm figuring I can have a few cups of tea before bowing out politely), I get three text messages in a row from Khan.
Followed by a fourth containing only a string of angry-face emoticons with red cheeks and X's where the eyes should be.
The last thing any tour guide wants is to have a guest leave a tour unhappy, especially when said guest is also a tour attraction and one-time scourge of the known world.
I turn and start walking faster towards the Beijing part of the complex. I'm halfway there when my phone bleats, Bruce Lee using Facebook Video Chat.
He's using speakerphone and I can barely hear him over the music. He's got two gorgeous Asian models with him, different ladies than when I left, and they're all clearly drunk.
Bruce Lee cuts me off.
Bruce Lee puts his face up next to the screen and whispers
He pulled the phone back, and I see he's struck an impressive, very Bruce Lee martial arts pose, neck veins bulging.
Bruce Lee hangs up. Another text has come through, this one from Chiang Kai-shek.
Chiang Kai-shek is still waiting for me to drink tea. He's referring to me as "Good friend" and using the respectful form of "you" in his text message. He's a sweet old man who just wants to be my friend and help my career, and I am STANDING HIM UP!
Overcome by shame and at a complete loss, I copy-paste text all three
This is impossible.
I sit down on a bench in the middle of the complex. There's a big map of the place, and I hurriedly work out scenarios to make things right with everyone.
Chiang and Khan are both military men. They're around the same age. They'll have a lot to talk about.
No, this isn't going to work. Khan's having a massive gout attack, he won't want to walk that far. Anyway, he's FUCKING Genghis Khan, a mean-drunk ruler of the known world, so it's not likely that I'm going to get him to change his plans to make my life easier.
I start charting the swiftest route for Chiang to get to Khan before realizing fuck, Khan is in the Beijing section of the complex, which might not be a safe space for Chiang, given how the Chinese civil war turned out.
At the very least, it'll be super awkward.
Chiang trusts me, so I could talk him into it. Still, if anything bad happened to him I'd feel terrible.
My phone rings again - Bruce Lee. I let it ring.
I immediately feel terrible.
I look at my phone. It's almost ten. I haven't done any of my paperwork from the day and still have to confirm venues for tomorrow's tour. Breakfast is at 7:30, and there's no way I'm getting to sleep by midnight.
~~~
Want to read more surreal tales from the road, only with illustrations and guaranteed typo-free? Download How Not to Avoid Jet Lag & other tales of Travel Madness, available through Amazon for Kindle ($3.99) and Smashwords in all formats (pay what you like).
So, backstory - since I've not been blogging all that much. I've spent the last couple of years building my tour guide chops. Being a tour guide is wonderfully complimentary to travel writing, as often the job builds on both the skill-set (and in the case of tours I do in places I've written about) actual experiences honed as a travel writer.
But being a tour guide - especially when it comes to designing, arranging and leading longer tours - comes with more pressure. An editor will usually be OK with granting some wiggle room for a deadline (*the smart freelance writer should neither count on nor abuse this*). Tours are far more linked to logistics, and thus time is always of the essence.
Onto the dream...
I am leading a luxury tour, one blending aspects of Asian history with culture and cuisine.
What makes my tour unique is this: Among the guests and attractions are three actual figures from world history, who are taking my tour alongside regular guests who've signed on partially for the chance to travel and mingle with famous historical characters.
My three famous guests are Bruce Lee, Genghis Khan and Chiang Kai-shek, and as far as I know they're the genuine article. I'd advertised the tour as such, and anyway, it's a dream.
Cut me some slack.
The tour is chugging along, and we're somewhere in the middle of a complicated two week itinerary. The group has settled for the evening inside a vast complex that's a combination artsy outlet mall, hotel & theme park.
The place is sprawling, and I'm exhausted. The day began at 8am, and now its pushing 9pm. I'm glad that my "normal" guests have all retired to their rooms. My celebrity guests, however, demand individual attention.
I'm hanging out with Bruce Lee in a flashy disco that reminds me of any number of places I've visited and written about in Singapore. Bruce looks great in his circa Saturday Night Fever white disco suit, and is surrounded by women.
Bruce makes it clear that he intends to include me in his plans for the night. He orders a pitcher of beer and talks me up to the ladies.
"This is my friend Josh," He yells above the loud music. "He's totally cool, bringing me to all the hot spots around the world."Bruce Lee punctuates his compliments with impressive Wing Chun poses, which I try (and fail) to imitate.
I'm flattered by the attention, and excited to be friends with Bruce Lee. But I'm mildly annoyed, too, because Bruce Lee keeps trying to get me to drink beer with him, despite my telling him repeatedly that I don't drink, and anyway, I still have tons of administrative stuff pertaining to keeping the tour running to do. Honestly, I just want to get back to my room and get my work done so I can get to sleep and maybe watch a few cartoons on Adult Swim.
But I still need to deal with Genghis Khan, who is in a bad mood.
The Great Khan has been sitting in another bar, this one a Beijing-style booze and BBQ joint on the opposite end of the vast complex. He's been there for hours, drinking and eating and texting me every half hour.
"BROWN! YOUR KHAN SUMMONS YOU."
I can hear Genghis Khan's low Mongol growl growing with every text. I pull myself away from Bruce Lee and the ladies, telling them I'll be right back.
The thing is, I like Genghis Khan. He's a fun guy, and the other guests find him totally entertaining, which makes my job way easier. But he's also having a bad gout attack, so he's miserable.
I've been telling him for days to cut out the wine and grilled meat and drink cherry juice, but he mostly ignores me.
"You're my guide, Brown. Not my physician!" He'll roar.
So I'm not that into spending the whole night watching Genghis Khan sow the seeds of his own misery.
And then there's Chiang Kai-shek...
Throughout the tour, Chiang has been the least demanding of any of my celebrity guests. He's been generally quiet, and while happy to engage with the regular guests, he understands that he's not as well known to most of the other guests as Genghis Khan or Bruce Lee.
He's also not nearly as flamboyant, which makes him easier to deal with.
Chiang Kai-shek has been waiting for me in a Taiwanese tea house somewhere else in the complex. He's a bit lonely, and seems to just want to hang out share tea while he waxes poetic about the old days; military campaigns and so forth. He's actually a pretty sweet old guy, and seems to have taken a paternal interest in me, giving me advice on running a business and working harmoniously within Han Chinese society. I've been blowing him off for a few hours, and feel bad about it.
Walking towards the Taiwanese tea house to find Chiang (I'm figuring I can have a few cups of tea before bowing out politely), I get three text messages in a row from Khan.
"BROWN! YOUR KHAN SUMMONS YOU!"
"BROWN! YOUR KHAN SUMMONS YOU!"
"BROWN! YOUR KHAN SUMMONS YOU!"
Followed by a fourth containing only a string of angry-face emoticons with red cheeks and X's where the eyes should be.
The last thing any tour guide wants is to have a guest leave a tour unhappy, especially when said guest is also a tour attraction and one-time scourge of the known world.
Shit. Chiang Kai-shek will have to wait. Luckily he's cool.
I turn and start walking faster towards the Beijing part of the complex. I'm halfway there when my phone bleats, Bruce Lee using Facebook Video Chat.
"Where'd you go, man?"
He's using speakerphone and I can barely hear him over the music. He's got two gorgeous Asian models with him, different ladies than when I left, and they're all clearly drunk.
"Bruce, man, I have guests...tour stuff."
Bruce Lee cuts me off.
"I don't want to hear your excuses, man! Just get your ass back here! "
Bruce Lee puts his face up next to the screen and whispers
"You see the girl on my left? She thinks you're hot. Said she loves Jewish guys. So get back here! I NEED MY WINGMAN!"
He pulled the phone back, and I see he's struck an impressive, very Bruce Lee martial arts pose, neck veins bulging.
"Carpe Diem!" He yells, laughing "Don't make me kick your ass!"
Bruce Lee hangs up. Another text has come through, this one from Chiang Kai-shek.
好朋友您在哪裡？ 來喝茶！
Chiang Kai-shek is still waiting for me to drink tea. He's referring to me as "Good friend" and using the respectful form of "you" in his text message. He's a sweet old man who just wants to be my friend and help my career, and I am STANDING HIM UP!
Overcome by shame and at a complete loss, I copy-paste text all three
"BE THERE FIVE MINUTES"
This is impossible.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Think man think! Logistics! Logistics!
I sit down on a bench in the middle of the complex. There's a big map of the place, and I hurriedly work out scenarios to make things right with everyone.
Chiang and Khan are both military men. They're around the same age. They'll have a lot to talk about.
OK, Bring Khan to Chiang, the two can drink tea, Khan can sober up.
No, this isn't going to work. Khan's having a massive gout attack, he won't want to walk that far. Anyway, he's FUCKING Genghis Khan, a mean-drunk ruler of the known world, so it's not likely that I'm going to get him to change his plans to make my life easier.
OK, plan two. Bring Chiang to Khan. They can eat BBQ and drink, Khan can help bring Chiang out of his shell a little. Win-win!
I start charting the swiftest route for Chiang to get to Khan before realizing fuck, Khan is in the Beijing section of the complex, which might not be a safe space for Chiang, given how the Chinese civil war turned out.
At the very least, it'll be super awkward.
Chiang trusts me, so I could talk him into it. Still, if anything bad happened to him I'd feel terrible.
My phone rings again - Bruce Lee. I let it ring.
Fuck you Bruce, I think it hasn't even been three minutes!
I immediately feel terrible.
THE Bruce Lee wants to hang out with me and hook me up with a smoking-hot model, and I'm too busy for him?
I look at my phone. It's almost ten. I haven't done any of my paperwork from the day and still have to confirm venues for tomorrow's tour. Breakfast is at 7:30, and there's no way I'm getting to sleep by midnight.
Shit. I think as the dream ends. There will be no cartoons tonight.
~~~
Want to read more surreal tales from the road, only with illustrations and guaranteed typo-free? Download How Not to Avoid Jet Lag & other tales of Travel Madness, available through Amazon for Kindle ($3.99) and Smashwords in all formats (pay what you like).
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