Change is a virus
Good morning Goodreaders!
This post is a bit long, but sometimes I've just got to share ...
My daughter has come through three very rough years. I can say 'come through' with confidence because lately, she's been able to verbalize just how deeply she has changed. Her words are incredible, beautiful moments that I've seen manifest in her actions and attitude for a while now. It's good to hear her acknowledge out loud the changes I've seen building in her mind and spirit.
Here's the back story.
When my daughter was in middle school she became caught up in 'hating on the prep kids.' (Utah vernacular: Prep = super-popular Mormon kids). My daughter's opinions grew increasingly negative in the seventh grade, which led to some very hateful feelings. Until I experienced this with my daughter, I hadn't really thought about how hate is a virus ... you let it into one facet of your thinking and pretty soon it has infected your entire world view.
My daughter is a deeply intelligent perfectionist. She's smarter than I was at her age and I'm hear to tell you, raising people who are brighter than you are has it's challenges. But her intelligence didn't save her from the common middle-school problem of loosing sight of her self-esteem. With her eyes and opinions on others, her struggle became judgment (an expression of hate, IMHO). She spent a lot of time judging others for being 'goof-off, stupid Mormon social climbers,' (as she put it). And maybe because she's smart, her judgements began to spread from her peers to the behavior of the world at large.
I bring all of this into the conversation because? Well, three years ago, when her attitude did a swan dive into the judge-others hate pool, I had choices to make. Ultimately, I decided I would drain the pool water and refill it without her 'noticing.' But we had about six unhappy months of fighting, arguing and yelling before I came to my conclusion.
My 'conclusion' happened one night, as I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. A thought came: Hey! I'm the adult here. So I'll do the adult thing and take full responsibility for the problem. My kid is still a kid. Emotional. Immature. I'll let her off the hook entirely and start from scratch.
It was breakthrough #1 (for me). I chose not to argue anymore: arguing is negative, and too easily turns hateful. When I slipped up and fell into an argument I owned it and apologized. At the same time, I chose to re-face my own frustrations connected with living in Utah. (I grew up in Utah, and my husband is from New Mexico.) But Utah can be tough for people outside the culture--especially kids in the public schools--because the Mormon culture IS Utah's culture. My daughter's troubles began with that frustration, had turned bitter and hateful, and were spreading into everything.
Realizing this was my 'foot in the door.'
Breakthrough #2! I accepted that my opinions of Utah reflected an "us vs. them" mentality. US vs. THEM, I decided, is the root of hate. It's the seed of every war. Every kind of racism. Every divisive concept in religion and politics and anything else I can imagine ....
So I decided to call US vs THEM what I believe it is: blaming one's own insecurities and problems on something other than the cause of the said-insecurities and problems. (Um, namely, one's-self.}
Life happens. Good, bad, up and down. Preps. Non-preps. We can't control it. We lose our jobs. Sometimes divorce. Get shunned by the neighbors. BUT ... we have complete control over our reaction to life. We don't have to gossip, judge, hate, criticize, cheat, steal or get drunk with depression. We are the only person in the driver's seat of our actions and feelings.
Breakthrough #3! This was a light-bulb moment that gave me numerous, tear-filled hours in the bathroom. Then, because tears are a great stress relief but really don't change anything, I decided the best way to combat my daughter's hate train was actually quite simple: Respect. And the best way to teach it? BE IT. Through my actions and words, I would teach her that she deserves to respect herself, to be respected and to respect others.
It took time because I had to change ME as I helped my daughter change HERSELF. I owned that my comments had planted the negativity seed in my child. Owning it inspired me to change it. Slowly, I changed the way I reacted to things. I became more aware of how sometimes, I make comments about other people's lifestyles and politics and religion that are negative.
I focused on GOOD CHANGE. I adopted the 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' policy for my opinions--even at home with my husband. (Wow, that is difficult!) I acted on 'do unto others as you'd have done to you' philosophy. I got more involved in my daughter's world. I came to know some of the 'preps' so that I could help my daughter understand that Preps Are People Too. My daughter and I did some therapy together. We focused on who she is, who she wants to be, and how she has a place in the world. Just like everyone else.
As it turns out, change is a virus.
The results are astounding ... and not just in my daughter. To varying degrees, focusing on respect has changed everyone in my family, and in truth, everyone with whom I associate.
My experience was an awesome lesson in self-control, self-respect and self-love. It has changed the direction of my family's life in countless ways, large and small. I write about it now in hope that by sharing this corner of my personal story, the beauty of the experience will spread to you, too.
Share the best of who you are, Goodreaders,
M
This post is a bit long, but sometimes I've just got to share ...
My daughter has come through three very rough years. I can say 'come through' with confidence because lately, she's been able to verbalize just how deeply she has changed. Her words are incredible, beautiful moments that I've seen manifest in her actions and attitude for a while now. It's good to hear her acknowledge out loud the changes I've seen building in her mind and spirit.
Here's the back story.
When my daughter was in middle school she became caught up in 'hating on the prep kids.' (Utah vernacular: Prep = super-popular Mormon kids). My daughter's opinions grew increasingly negative in the seventh grade, which led to some very hateful feelings. Until I experienced this with my daughter, I hadn't really thought about how hate is a virus ... you let it into one facet of your thinking and pretty soon it has infected your entire world view.
My daughter is a deeply intelligent perfectionist. She's smarter than I was at her age and I'm hear to tell you, raising people who are brighter than you are has it's challenges. But her intelligence didn't save her from the common middle-school problem of loosing sight of her self-esteem. With her eyes and opinions on others, her struggle became judgment (an expression of hate, IMHO). She spent a lot of time judging others for being 'goof-off, stupid Mormon social climbers,' (as she put it). And maybe because she's smart, her judgements began to spread from her peers to the behavior of the world at large.
I bring all of this into the conversation because? Well, three years ago, when her attitude did a swan dive into the judge-others hate pool, I had choices to make. Ultimately, I decided I would drain the pool water and refill it without her 'noticing.' But we had about six unhappy months of fighting, arguing and yelling before I came to my conclusion.
My 'conclusion' happened one night, as I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. A thought came: Hey! I'm the adult here. So I'll do the adult thing and take full responsibility for the problem. My kid is still a kid. Emotional. Immature. I'll let her off the hook entirely and start from scratch.
It was breakthrough #1 (for me). I chose not to argue anymore: arguing is negative, and too easily turns hateful. When I slipped up and fell into an argument I owned it and apologized. At the same time, I chose to re-face my own frustrations connected with living in Utah. (I grew up in Utah, and my husband is from New Mexico.) But Utah can be tough for people outside the culture--especially kids in the public schools--because the Mormon culture IS Utah's culture. My daughter's troubles began with that frustration, had turned bitter and hateful, and were spreading into everything.
Realizing this was my 'foot in the door.'
Breakthrough #2! I accepted that my opinions of Utah reflected an "us vs. them" mentality. US vs. THEM, I decided, is the root of hate. It's the seed of every war. Every kind of racism. Every divisive concept in religion and politics and anything else I can imagine ....
So I decided to call US vs THEM what I believe it is: blaming one's own insecurities and problems on something other than the cause of the said-insecurities and problems. (Um, namely, one's-self.}
Life happens. Good, bad, up and down. Preps. Non-preps. We can't control it. We lose our jobs. Sometimes divorce. Get shunned by the neighbors. BUT ... we have complete control over our reaction to life. We don't have to gossip, judge, hate, criticize, cheat, steal or get drunk with depression. We are the only person in the driver's seat of our actions and feelings.
Breakthrough #3! This was a light-bulb moment that gave me numerous, tear-filled hours in the bathroom. Then, because tears are a great stress relief but really don't change anything, I decided the best way to combat my daughter's hate train was actually quite simple: Respect. And the best way to teach it? BE IT. Through my actions and words, I would teach her that she deserves to respect herself, to be respected and to respect others.
It took time because I had to change ME as I helped my daughter change HERSELF. I owned that my comments had planted the negativity seed in my child. Owning it inspired me to change it. Slowly, I changed the way I reacted to things. I became more aware of how sometimes, I make comments about other people's lifestyles and politics and religion that are negative.
I focused on GOOD CHANGE. I adopted the 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' policy for my opinions--even at home with my husband. (Wow, that is difficult!) I acted on 'do unto others as you'd have done to you' philosophy. I got more involved in my daughter's world. I came to know some of the 'preps' so that I could help my daughter understand that Preps Are People Too. My daughter and I did some therapy together. We focused on who she is, who she wants to be, and how she has a place in the world. Just like everyone else.
As it turns out, change is a virus.
The results are astounding ... and not just in my daughter. To varying degrees, focusing on respect has changed everyone in my family, and in truth, everyone with whom I associate.
My experience was an awesome lesson in self-control, self-respect and self-love. It has changed the direction of my family's life in countless ways, large and small. I write about it now in hope that by sharing this corner of my personal story, the beauty of the experience will spread to you, too.
Share the best of who you are, Goodreaders,
M
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