The Path of Self-Improvement

What’s the right path for you? Where are you going—in terms of your self-improvement and personal growth? And how are you going to get there? Is there only one way, or many?

Charting your own course

This is kind of how I think about psychotherapy, as a chance for each of us to chart our own course. To do this we need to take into consideration where we’ve been, what resources we have, what additional resources we need, where we want to go, and to what degree can we trust ourselves. Then the question is, “What’s the best way for each of us to get where we want to go?”

I was recently helping a client chart his course and he accused me of being “discordant.” When I asked what he meant he said, “You espouse ideas about how pretty much everything is subjective, everyone has to figure things out for themselves, but then you go on and tell me the best way to live my life as if you know what’s best for me.”

Guilty as charged

Basically my client’s criticism is valid. I am quite emphatic about how I think we should live our lives if we want to create certain results. And, I don’t often enough remind people that I’m always talking about my view of the world and what works for me—as well as many of the people I’ve worked with. I really should preface more of my sentences with statements like, “I have helped myself by . . . ” Or, “If you want your romantic relationship to be easy, Hannah and I have learned what works for us is . . . ”

So, let me set the record straight. I don’t think that there is one way or one path that is right for everyone. I think that part of growing up and taking responsibility for our lives is deciding for ourselves what practices to pursue, what workshops to attend, and what teachers to study. We each need to lay the bricks that create our paths.

I have another client who has recently made a remarkable and positive transition in his life. When I asked him what was most helpful, he said, “All the different pieces have come together for me—therapy, homeopathy, my Buddhist practice, my 5-rhythms movement practice, and the Reology retreats I’ve attended with you guys.”

And what I realized as he rattled off these different methods is that each one built upon the others. The similarities in his different practices reinforced what he was learning, while the differences in the practices required him to explore himself more deeply and find his own resolution. As a result, he has charted a course that works for him.

This is what I want for all of us; to chart our own courses—that lead us toward health—emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

One caveat

I want to say that one of my most deeply held beliefs is that no matter what path we choose—learning to use ReSpeak is essential. Why? Because whatever path you choose, if you talk to yourself and other people using ordinary language, you will speak (at times) as if you are a victim, because that’s the structure of ordinary language. Also, ordinary language encourages us to spend a lot of time talking about the past, and in my opinion, this is not the most productive thing to do.

When we say things like:

She makes me so angry.

They ruined my day.

He makes me feel unsafe.

She makes me feel disrespected.

We are speaking as victims. We are talking as if other people are responsible for how we feel. Reology proposes that we are each responsible for how we feel. Other people don’t make us angry, we make ourselves angry. Other people don’t ruin our day, we do this to ourselves. People don’t really make us feel unsafe (except in extreme situations like a robbery or a physical assault), we make ourselves feel unsafe. People don’t disrespect us, we disrespect ourselves.

When we speak as victims, “You make me feel like a nuisance,” the other person is likely to become defensive and this is what leads to wasteful arguments about who did what or who said what—and we get lost in the past.

By the way, other people are not responsible for making us feel good either (I’ve added this paragraph because of Emily’s comment below—thank you Emily).

He makes me happy.

She makes me feel safe.

In these examples we may not sound like victims, but we’re transferring ownership of our feelings to another person. This usually leads to problems and confusion and eventually self-victimization, because what happens when “she” stops “making me happy”? I blame her. No, she doesn’t make me happy, I make myself happy. At times I may be using other people to make myself happy (using in a positive sense), but I am responsible for my feelings.

All of us are going about our lives doing what we do. And I won’t go as far as to say that we are doing the best we can (here’s a blog I wrote about that subject). Instead, I will say that—from my perspective—my behaviors are a reflection of me, not other people. The further I travel on my path, the less I personalize other people’s behaviors. And the less I personalize other people’s behaviors, the less reactive I am—less blame, less judgement.

I would not have been able to make this shift—taking ownership for my emotions—without using ReSpeak. There is something so fundamental about how our conversations (both in our heads and with other people) create our reality. Whatever path you choose to grow yourself, I encourage you to learn ReSpeak because then you will have conversations that feel easier, with less tension and more compassion.

 

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