Why I’m Sad about my S.A.D.
Now that it’s September, many of us are probably sad that Summer is over. But I bet most of you aren’t having panic attacks just because the sun is setting earlier than it has been.
I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is where the Seasonal changes causes depression, anxiety and basically the sense of doom in the darkness.
Of course this is just my experiences with it. For me, Autumn/Winter feels like utter darkness. When I picture it, all I see is grey. Like the grayscale filter on our phones. As if nothing can be good because the days are just too short, the nights just too long, and the air an uninviting chill – always.
Everything is dead in winter. And so is my enthusiasm. At the moment, I feel like I’m waiting on a storm that no one else knows is coming. My anxiety gets high about 5’o clock, as if I’m anticipating a fall. Well, Autumn is called the Fall, so of course, all I can do is fall…
I don’t know if I can ever make any sense to you. I just feel that S.A.D. is a disorder that goes unheard of all too easily, but is probably really common. I mean it’s only natural to feel the loss of Summer. The biting weather makes you want to stay inside, and wallow in the comfort of your own bed, praying for the heat to return.
But S.A.D. is worlds worse than that, please note. It feels, for us sufferers, like the sun may never return. That the winter is just too long and too harsh to be happy right now. But of course, I can’t just sit and pray and suffer until Spring comes. So instead, I’m trying to put plans into place. Here’s a few things that I’m doing and trying to look forward to in order to feel better, and you should too.
Planned to travel – Budapest in October, Verona in end November/early December
Plan to wake up early, and soak up all the sun (even the tiniest bit)
Get a night light and use my bedside lamp again
Excited for movie days and bed days
Excited for long boots, nice coats and cute jumpers
Cinema trips, which are my fave anyway
Cuddles!
Hot chocolate
Christmas
New Year, fresh start
Blanket forts
Video games
Pretty stars
Early nights, lots of sleep
Crispy brown leaves
Deeper, more profound writing
The last one is an important one for me. As I’ve gone through some hurtful setbacks lately, I’ve been questioning “why”. Why me, why now? But then I thought to myself, as sad as it is, maybe the universe is doing this on purpose. Maybe I need to be a bit sad, in order to write better. When I’m super happy, my focus isn’t as good. My writing isn’t as deep. So, perhaps, at least for now, I need to be feeling this way in order to produce something deep and unique.
So if you’re being kicked down, try to spin it. Trust me, it’s not easy and sometimes I still get angry and upset that this has happened to me. But I have to believe that it’s all part of a greater journey – as that’s life. The pain is necessary for growth. The universe kicks us in the nuts for our own good, sometimes.
All I can hope for is a decent Autumn/Winter. That the nights aren’t so loud with silence. That the cold doesn’t give me the kiss of death. And that in these hollow months to come, something good, anything at all, can be found.
~ Damsel

