The Fiver | Looking at a clock, his face a picture of wonder

In today’s Fiver: Transfer deadline day bantz, Iceland foods, Notting Hill Carnival excuses, David Luiz and and a penalty-shootout penalty rebound

No matter how mature and averse to hyperbole you are, it can be difficult not to get carried away on Transfer Deadline Day. After all, if you can’t despair for the future of mankind on a day like today, then when can you? The wackiness, the banter, the media that assumes an audience of four-year-olds; the realisation that your heart really did just skip a beat because your team has just signed a teenage Uzbekistani left-back who will probably play four games for the reserves before joining Padova on a 10-year loan … none of it is exactly conducive to the smooth flow of serotonin.

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