Monday Notes

There was a wasp in my bedroom a couple of weeks ago, and I thought about getting a shoe and killing it, and then I thought, “No, be one with Nature.” Then it stung me on the bottom of my foot, incredible pain (I beat the damn thing to death with my slipper), and then I limped for two days. Fuck Nature, this is MY BEDROOM. Then last week I looked up and there was a spider the size of Milton (almost) on my bedroom wall. So I cut the top off an empty water bottle, trapped it inside–sweet Christ that thing was huge–and then took it out on the porch and threw the whole thing over the rail (the spider lived, I’m not a monster). I know spiders are Our Friends, but not in my freaking bedroom. Also, they bite. Then last night, a giant bee started harassing my reading lamp, so I water-bottled it and flung it outside to buzz again, too. And that’s before we get to the no-see-ums and other general insect population munching on my flesh. (Benadryl Itch Stopping Cream: it’s like 42, the answer to everything.)

This has been your Nature in New Jersey post for the month.

One of the many things I love about my dogs is the way they all pick up their heads when I close my laptop and then they run for the door because we’re going OUTSIDE (sometimes) and they’ll get COOKIES (sometimes) and then they’ll sit in the grass blissfully until Milton (the Houdini of dachshunds) manages to get outside the fence while I’m not looking and they run for the gate because we’re going INSIDE and then snuggle down on the BEST PLACE EVER (my bed) and snooze. I need to recapture that kind of enthusiasm for life; after all I’m pretty much living the same life they are.

I went spam-diving to see if I could find Sure Thing’s lost comment a few weeks ago (wasn’t there) and found a wealth of names to use in fiction. Do spam bots just randomly generate names? Because these were great. I’m pretty sure Randell Orts is dating Dahlia Oik (she calls him “Randy” and says “Randy Ort to do something about that” and then goes off into gales of snorting laughter; he kills her at the end of Act One). And you just know that Lauralee Wentcell keeps Dorian Schiveley around as a back-up date, not realizing that some day, he’s going to twirl his mustache and tie her to some railroad tracks, which is when she’ll meet Ford Shelby, a mountie, who will save her and vanquish the evil Dorian (who looks remarkably young for his age). And I don’t know about Leland Wetherall’s love life, but I’m positive he works in a bank.

In other news, I’m still on the first act while writing other parts as they come to me no matter where they are. Because chronological order is for wimps. I know where I want the characters to start now, so that’s something. And I get snatches of dialogue and scenes that I have no idea where they’re going, like this.

[Button pulls a gun on Max.]

Max: You’re three foot tall, you look like a dandelion, and your name is Button. I’m terrified.”

[Button shoots him.]

I also broke the first act down into scene sequences which was reassuring because, hey, there’s a pattern there, and it pretty much establishes everything I need established. Of course as I get more of the other acts done, I’ll have more to establish, but I think the first act is structured right, even if it’s not written right yet.

First Scene Sequence/Invitation to the Party: Meet Nita (Nita vs. Button), Meet Nick (Nick vs. Vinnie), Meet Nita and Nick (Nita vs. Nick), your romance for tonight.

Second Scene Sequence/Complication: Nick deals minions and antagonist (Nick vs. Dagals), Nita deals with minions and antagonist (Nita vs. Button), Nick and Nita deal with each other at breakfast (Nita vs. Nick).

Third Scene Sequence/Barriers and Idiots: Nick and Nita at the morgue (Nick vs. Nita), Nita at work (Nita vs. Lieut.), Nick at work (Nick vs. Cromas), Nita at work (Nita vs. Button), Nick at work (Nick vs. Satan), Nita at work (Nita vs. Mort).

Fourth Scene Sequence/Enough of This Crap: N & N at Hell Bar (Nick vs. Nita), N & N at Sadie’s (Nita vs. Nick), N & N in the Nature Preserve (Nita vs. Ranger Rich)

Fifth Scene Sequence/Nita’s Head Explodes: Still trying to cut this one back . . .

I actually wrote the first draft of this post weeks ago, and there was this:

“Democratic convention this week; it’ll be fun to see contrast between the two. I am expecting something that’s so tightly organized that nothing happens, except that the Russians just hacked the DNC and proved that Bernie was right, they were out to get him (how is Wasserman-Schultz still in charge, there?), so that’ll be fun. Also Tim Kaine seems like a cheerful guy with his head screwed on right, so that’ll be a nice change from “The Apocalypse is coming and only I can save you!” Trump. Is anybody watching “Braindead?” I’m starting to think it’s a documentary.”

And now Debbie is history, and so are the Khans in a different way (and I kinda love it that Muslim Americans may have saved the country) and the election has only gotten more bizarre–Trump spoke to a crowd in Florida on Thursday and said, “It’s great to be here on Friday,” and the crowd yelled back, “It’s Thursday,” but he insisted it was Friday . . . Oh, well, it was Friday somewhere (Hello, Australia, I think. I remember getting two Tuesdays on the way back home . . .). Trump also just threatened to bar the New York Times again because that’s a thing that would be possible to do. “They can’t cover me if I don’t let ’em.” And he also told a group of Evangelicals to vote for him because if he’s not elected he’ll go to hell. In other news, Russia just released more hacked Democratic e-mails. Jill Stein has grave doubts about the oversight on our vaccines (because the anti-vaxxers really need another reason to endanger everybody else) and real fears about the impact of wifi on children’s brains (not a thing in real life) and . . . Oh, God, make it stop. American elections are always ridiculous but this is like Christopher Guest met Kafka and they got drunk and formed a suicide pact. Another two and a half months of this unless the Republicans hire somebody to do the Second Amendment thing since they’re losing faith in the Pivot; they’re definitely possibly seriously considering cutting off funding to The Donald in October. We’ll get back to you on that.

Can it just be November 9 now?

Oh, and the first Wonder Woman trailer dropped last month. I am very happy:

Okay, too much slow motion (can somebody do something about Zack Snyder?) but LUCY DAVIS! And period costumes. And Wonder Woman with a sword in the back of her fancy dress. Gal Gadot looks fabulous and Chris Pine looks pretty good, too, given the thankless role he’s playing. Really, this could be good. Especially since the Wonder Woman pjs I bought for Don’t Look Down disintegrated awhile back. Surely there will be new WW pjs when this comes out. I still have a lot of my Wonder Woman stuff from back then. VERY EXCITED ABOUT WONDER WOMAN.

Plus the election will be over then and with any luck there will be a woman in the White House, so TAKE THAT, Y CHROMOSOMES.

Okay, sorry about that. #NotAllMen. #JustTooDamnManyOfThem.

In other news, Bantam is running a a price promo on TRUST ME ON THIS, lowering the price of the digital edition to 1.99 from August 19 to September 2. Or so they say.

Also, kill wasps as soon as they show up so you don’t have to deal with the aftermath. (I’m fine now, but do NOT get stung on the bottom of your foot, people, or anywhere else for that matter.)

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