A Family of Olympians

The Rio Olympics come to a close this weekend, and it’s been a fine performance from the British athletes. Many congratulations to all those who picked up medals, but I think it’s time I detailed our achievements.

It’s not something that’s widely known because I don’t make a big deal of it, but I come from a family of Olympic athletes, and the number of sports at which we excelled was legendary.

Diving

It should probably read ducking and diving. There was no one better than my old man when it came to shifting hooky goods.

Sailing

A team effort. Sailing close to the wind went with membership of the family.

Weightlifting

This was one of my brother’s specialties. Whenever there was work to be done, he’d say, “I’ll wait here while you lift that.”

Cycling

To be fair, it should read re-cycling. A team effort, there was no family who could match us when it came to shifting lead, brass, copper, to the local scrapyard, even if most of it was nicked from local churches, building and demolition sites.

5,000 Metres

This was one of my brother’s most skilled performances. The 5,000 is estimated number of units he nicked by making the gas meter run backwards.

Golf

My brother again. He was a champion at sinking balls into a hole. His gold medal performance was with three sisters one after the other on three consecutive nights.

Handball

This award went to my ex-missus who was a true Olympian at handling balls. Especially when I was working away from home.

Football

This was my magnum opus, achieved in 1972 when I put by boot into some guy’s crown jewels after I caught him rogering that same ex-wife.

Sprinting

Usain Bolt move over. In his prime, no one could touch my dad for running when the rent man and/or police came knocking on the door.

Triathlon

Another team job, after we nicked a car, stripped out all the good bits and sold the rest for scrap all in the space of six hours.

High Jump

What the cops said we were up for when we were arrested for nicking a car, stripping out all the good bits and selling the rest for scrap all in the space of six hours.

So what happened to all our medals? Turned out they were made of mild steel, so we melted them down and sold them for scrap.