Some Fears and Some Truths

I have written before about being changed by the ordeal of this past ten months. Yesterday, I had a concrete reminder of how I have been changed. There is an upgrade for FileMaker, the database program I use for Sinister Wisdom. Now, I am a regular upgrader of all kinds of software. I set my Mac to automatically download updates overnight and in the background. I like to do it without even thinking about it. I also like exploring new kinds of software. Yes, there are unnerving moments: where is that function? Why does everything look so different? Overall though I like exploring new things. I embrace change in my life with technology operating as one small example of that overall mental orientation. Yesterday, however, and for the past week or so when I have been planning to upgrade my software, I felt overwhelmed by the thought of downloading the upgrade and encountering it in my daily life. I did not want to upgrade.

Another technology solution has been in my sights: a new email client. I hear great things about the software Polymail. (It is not as some might initially think an email solution for the polyamorous!) I would love to have the option to schedule email for a future send and Polymail offers this. It is also available for the iPad and iPhone. I am curious about it. I have had it on my task list to download it. I have shied away from doing it though, wondering, what if it totally messes up my email? What if I lose everything? What if, what if, what if? I was gripped by fear. Fear of change. I wanted things on my computer to stay just the way they were. And I wanted this so strongly the idea of downloading the upgrade to FileMaker or the new Polymail nearly made me cry.

The feeling was so stark and so in opposition to how I understood myself a year ago that it jolted me into a new recognition of how painful the past ten months have been and how they have fundamentally changed me. I have become fearful. I am afraid that the future is worse than the past. I am afraid that the best days have happened already and what lies ahead is bad. I am afraid of change. I am afraid of the future. I am cautious, tentative, and unable to trust my own perception, my own sense of judgment. This is not the person I was a year ago.

While contemplating the upgrade and the new software, another feeling washed over me in addition to the fear: courage. Yes, the upgrade may crash my computer. The new email client may muck up everything about how I organize my email. The new house may completely suck when compared to the house we leave in Maryland. I may hate where we are moving. I may not make any friends there. Tibe may continue to bark loudly at other dogs. The future may be worse than the past. I may have peaked and have nothing but sorry and pity ahead of me. All of this could happen. It also could not, particularly if I greet the future not with fear but with courage.

Yes, courage brought the reminder that I shape what is and what is to be. What is and what is to be is dependent on me, my decisions, my choices, my responses.

This brings me to the truths that I have been thinking about since yesterday:

I continue to love Tibe beyond all reason and he reciprocates with such devotion and loyalty that it feels like a sacred bond.
The entire pack of Emma, Vita, and Tibe delight us everyday with their lives and their care for themselves, one another, and us.
This kind of love is so significant to our lives, that inevitably we will face the opportunity to adopt another animal and we will embrace it because we must respond to the love in the world and not to the fear and hatred.
Standing up for lesbians and standing up and being open about being lesbians is still not easy. There have been many significant changes in acceptance of GLBT people–and I celebrate them–but hostility remains and bigots are happy to exploit it. Countering it, standing up to bigotry, standing up on behalf of lesbians is hard. After twenty-eight years, I still do not know how to do it effectively. I still think it is an worthy goal.
Happiness is elusive, but still worth seeking.

So there you have it: some fears and some truths. Oh, and one more truth: sometimes we all need to growl, to bear our teeth. Sometimes we need to bite back and refuse to let the world bite us.

Photo Credit: Dmitry Stepankov via Flickr.