Two Minutes Hate – Sexy Dwarves

Dear Peter Jackson,

I've seen Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles. I know that beneath your Academy Award winning glitz, you're a basement-dwelling roleplayer nerd, just like me. You know how this shit works. And we are both well aware that Charisma is a dump stat for Dwarven Warriors.

I know you need smex appeal in the Hobbit to get the ladiez along for the ride, and the source material (13 short dudes and an even shorter dude doing lots of walking) doesn't leave much to work with. But Aiden Turner is too good looking to play a Dwarf.

Study the picture. Note the long flowing locks of raven hair, blowing in an inexplicable breeze. The three-day dusting of finely-sculpted stubble that couldn't even remotely be considered a beard. This 'dwarf' would not be out of place beside Orlando Bloom at some uptown Mirkwood cocktail party. If it was your intention to cover the internets with with tide of Kili/Legolas slashfic in which God himself could drown, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Unless the rest of Thorin's mob are a pack of dreadlocked, tubby trainwrecks, with manky hair and beards you could hang Christmas decorations from, and unless they spend the entire two movies giving Fili stick about how pretty he is…. ah, hell, who am I kidding. I'll probably see it four times anyway…