Enough with the False “Idols”
“I’ve taken all I can stand…and I can’t stand no more!” Chunk, “The Goonies.”
If you’re a producer or other small-screen high-roller, trust me, I understand your hustle and your need to take in revenue without shelling too much out for production (scenes, sets, scripts, and skanks)–hell, there’s a reason the cast of the “Jersey Shore” are “fist-pumping” no longer…DTF (due to firing)…shouldn’t have asked for that $100,000 per episode; yeah, they gave it to you, then promptly booted you off the tube. THANK GOD!
And please keep Jwoww and Snooki where all unnecessary things need to be–deep in the recesses of a closet or the attic. They have kids now; they are married in spite of being, for the longest, in whatever the kind of relationship you get in when you have the kid first and tell everyone you’re engaged then the kid turns 1, 2, 3, 15, and you’re still engaged–I don’t know what you call that type of relationship, but ask singer Ciara; she seemed to be an expert on that form of DTR before “Captain Russy” saved the day (ho).
Or since we’re celebrating the Olympics, let’s ask little Boomer Phelps’s mom Nicole Johnson…she’s a gold medal contender in “________ and _______ sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First come lust, then comes the baby in the baby carriage, then comes…marriage”?????????
Speaking of marriage, did anyone see that ceremony of crows getting together for the “Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta” Reunion Part I?
I almost died, momentarily refused CPR, and came back to life when the host, who I am going to call the brown sugar Lauren Hutton (BSLH) due to not knowing her name, nor caring too much to find it out since she feels it’s okay to lower her journalistic integrity by interviewing people who judges would question by video feed only for a dollar bill–probably a nice dollar bill, but, hey, it is VH1, so…, and due to her trademark gap, which she should have proverbially used to separate herself from the trash she was interviewing, namely Joseline Hernandez, the Puerto Rican Princesa or princesa de puertorriqueno, said they were in a “secret” location only known by the “L&HH” crew.
This covert operation had to be for the princesa’s safety. *Gasp. We can’t jeopardize our royalty. She must carry on the family name, have heirs–which I will definitely get back to before this post is over–to keep Puerto Rico…uh…uh…puerto rican!
Like you, I didn’t know Puerto Rico had a royal family that wasn’t from Spain–damn, my world history teachers must have dropped the ball on that one.
And that’s how BSLH should have handled “Ms.” Hernandez–like Al Roker did “Speidi” (see where their asses are now) and Matt Lauer (I have no idea why I’m using the “Today Show” as back-to-back references, but go with it) did with Tom Cruise and his “glib” admonishments–with an emphatic “Joselineism”: “Ho, why you here?” when she called her a “blogger,” as if it were a low-classed trade akin to stripping and prostituting (*ahem), which she combated by saying, “No, I’m a journalist. I have a degree in journalism,” and called her “messy” like she was Karlie Redd.
“Ms.” Hernandez chastised BSLH like she (Hernandez) was actually somebody. Somebody who a journalist would bite his/her tongue for–the President…no, scratch that, reporters go HAM on ‘Bama all the time–like she was…like she was…somebody who doesn’t have to do a reality show for not only their livelihood, but their very survival.
Former jailbird (that’s what she is and that’s what you get when you act as if you’re better or above someone else–like your shit don’t stink–labeled) “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”‘s Teresa Guidice put on that same haughty, nose in the air, Queen of Sheba (cat food), eat my crumbs bullshit with “Access Hollywood” last month. Via live video feed–see, VH1, “Access Hollywood” knows how to deal with derelicts–Mrs. Don’t-Drop-the-Soap got mad when hosts asked her about her incarcerated husband–justifiably so–being deported when he gets out the Big House. She called the question rude and told them “how dare they” ask her questions like that–as if she sent over a list of what not to ask her because they were dying to have her on their show because she’s on par with Madonna–Jesus’s mother not the singer–and stormed off from whatever hole in the wall storage room she was taping from.
Media, cable, major networks, ya’ll better wake the hell up! Laptops die; iPads die; cell phones die; desktops can die and also be slow as hell based on Internet connectivity; most, if not all, mobile devices need charging. TVs don’t.
TVs are like the Energizer bunny…they keep going…and going…and going. Make the most of this technology and put programming on that’s worth watching. No one should have stream shows because they’re no “real” and good entertainment on television, aside from the local news–but that’s not how I want to get my kicks…too depressing.
I want my TV… 30-minute sitcoms, soap operas, miniseries, hour-long dramas, game shows, NBC’s Sunday and Monday Night Movie of the Week (NBC, you definitely need to go back to this; I saw your new 2016 Fall lineup, and all that shit is going to get canceled), after-school specials, “The Magic School Bus,” “Lamb Chop’s Play-Along,” “Sesame Street”–in their natural, untampered-with state–on PBS, tv movies, re-runs of “Good Times,””Mama’s Family,” “One Day at a Time,” “The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis,” “I Love Lucy,” “The Cosby Show,” etc. on basic network TV throughout the day and night, so kids can know what they’re missing–and it won’t be Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.–and question their parents about what they don’t have a three-course meal on the table after they finish their homework; why “Dad/Mom”–or parental figure’s current plaything of the month–doesn’t work or do anything to help around the house; and why they can’t play nicely with the kids in the neighborhood–before the streets lights come on, mind you–without getting harmed.
Stop with that green-screen, CGI shit and ugly cinematics–that’s why people flock to reality shows…it’s the only thing on TV that makes people and their surroundings look real (and that’s why “BFG” bombed at the box office–go back to the basics). Disney Channel, your most popular shows–“That’s So Raven” and “Hannah Montana”–were live-action…go back to it (those shows and tv movies you have on now–as in, the last 5 years–are garbage and you should be ashamed of yourself).
And, the Internet makes it impossible to keep the big “reveals” of reality TV a secret–cat’s already out the bag before the season starts. The Puerto Rican Princesa–who was linked to every Dick (forget Tom and Harry)–wants to say–on the Reunion show–she’s pregnant, again, supposedly by Stevie J. How? When? Again, how? Don’t you have to have a uterus for that to happen? Come on, people. But that’s why people watch: to suspend disbelief, to corroborate what they already heard, read, or saw on the Net, and because there isn’t shit else on television.
Thus, MORE QUALITY PROGRAMMING; NO MORE “REALITY” SHOWS.
Stop making false idols. What happened to the Israelities when they did that and then Moses brought down the 1o Commandments?
I am not spending 40 years in a TV purgatory. I need my salvation now.
Producers and network execs, wake up!
