The Story of Yesterday

So yesterday I was supposed to have one of those routine, screening, drive a camera through your insides tests. I spent Wednesday, on no solid food, just chicken broth, jello, tea and juice. Drinking the prep liquid that night was not as bad as I thought it would be (it tasted like Hawaiian Punch that had gone bad in some strange chemical way). The only hitch (we thought) was that I had to get up at 4:00 am to take the second dose. I spent the night in the guest room so I wouldn't wake up Troyce, then I screwed up when setting my alarm and almost slept through it. Troyce woke up anyway, realized there weren't any lights on, and woke me up. So the whole morning we were congratulating ourselves on not messing up the whole thing at the last moment and having to reschedule.

We got to the doctor's office at 8:30 am where they are running people in and out like clockwork and everything's going great, and I got a very nice nurse to get my IV line started so they could give me the sedation. Except I'm dehydrated, and my veins hide really, really well. So she tries, and the anesthesiologist tries, and we end up trying in both hands, both arms, one foot, and the right side of my neck. (That last one is not fun, I don't recommend it.)

My veins are triumphant! No one can catch them. Nurse and anesthesiologist feel horrible (and they really did, no one wants to be on either end of this process) and we have to stop, so the doctor decides to send me to the hospital where they can do a central line. (Troyce asked me where they would stick the central line and I said probably in my eye.)

But the first opening isn't until 1:00, so we have to go home for an hour and then get to the hospital at 11:00. (The good thing is, both these places are less than 10 minutes from our house because we live in a small town. The bad thing is I haven't had food since Tuesday and no water since 4:45 Thursday morning.) It takes about another hour to check in at the hospital, but the doctor had allowed for that in her schedule, and eventually I get an outpatient room.

The first nurse glares at me and asked if I normally have a problem with IVs. (I have a feeling that most people who get referred to the hospital for this are just perceived as being difficult. I am not difficult, I let them stick three needles in my neck and they're the ones who had to give up.) I told her I hadn't had an IV in thirty years so I didn't know, and when I get blood tests it is difficult but they always manage. First nurse leaves and then a second nurse comes in and says the first one went on lunch break. (This is a relief.) This nurse listens to the problem and says it would be better to avoid a central line, so first let's let Wesley try, so she gets Wesley.

Wesley turns out to be an actual blood wizard. He asks me what exactly the other people said was going wrong, leaves and comes back with a double handful of equipment, then, while laughing and chatting with us, uses a different technique and gets a vein on the back of my wrist on the first try. This is a HUGE RELIEF.

The rest of it was anticlimactic. Got wheeled in, got the sedation, woke up and hour later ready to go home. I remember the doctor coming in and talking to me, and explaining a picture of my insides, but it's very dreamlike. I think I'm very good at faking being coherent when I'm actually still mostly unconscious. But I have to do the test again for ten years, so it's a win. I'm hoping the insurance still covers everything like it's supposed to. The hospital didn't try to beat any money out of us when we were checking in, so I'm cautiously hopeful. We'll know when we get a bill, I guess.