here I dreamt I was an architect
I was talking with a friend last night, who is a fantastically talented and successful actor. We are both in our 40s, and we can’t seem to get our careers — which were once exploding with work — back where we want them. We’re both having the same frustrations and hitting the same closed doors, even though he is way way way more successful than I am. During our conversation, I said, “I’ve been doing all this stuff for the last few years that is mostly transactional, or informational, instead of creative and artistic. I’ve had some great acting jobs, but none of them have translated into other acting opportunities.
“I love the stuff I’ve done online, and I’m super proud of Tabletop, but it isn’t artistically fulfilling. It isn’t creative like acting and writing is.”
He mentioned some big pictures that he had auditions for recently, and asked me if I’d read for them.
“Nope,” I said. “I couldn’t even get an audition. It’s really frustrating, and if I’m being honest, it’s depressing as fuck.”
We talked about creating projects that we can act in, and I had this epiphany. “I love acting, and I want to continue to be an on-camera actor, even if it’s just one last great job … but my heart is in writing, because I don’t have to ask anyone for permission to be a writer.”
I go back and forth between giving up entirely on having on-camera work, and focusing on writing and voice acting, and working as hard as I can to get back in front of the camera. or just isn’t interested in me, but I keep looking at people who did good work, seemed to disappear for awhile, and then came back to do even more good work. Somehow, I just have to convince the people who can give me permission to work in their movies to give me a chance.
But until that happens, I can keep writing, because nobody can tell me that I can’t do it.
I’m writing every day. I’ve pulled about 4000 words out of my brains this week, split between two different stories. They’ll both go into the short story collection that I’m writing, to be published later this year, and I don’t have to struggle to get permission to do that.
…I really want to do more on-camera acting work, though. I miss it. I wish there was some way to convince Hollywood to give me a chance, because everything I’ve been doing the last several years just isn’t working.
newest »
Good blog, and I love the Decemberists nod in the title
I understand your frustration. I'm an artist, I live in the center of the art world-Brooklyn-yet I can't seem to get beyond doing large group shows. I want to have a solo show! You may have already thought of this, but what about working on a tv project for Netflix or some of the other off mainstream tv networks. In the last year I've watched lots of these productions and liked them more then mainstream tv. I no longer watch mainstream tv, just PBS. Most of the shows I watch are British.
Knowing what you want is often half the battle. Keep writing and don't give up on acting.I'm currently listening to"Ready Player One." I often have issues with male narrators, but you are perfect! I hope to see you in the movie:)
For some reason, I'm reminded of this Esquire interview with Viggo Mortensen:http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/...
You said yourself, "I'm writing everyday", so maybe that's the focus. For now.
You also said, "I keep looking at people who did good work, seemed to disappear for awhile, and then came back to do even more good work."
Maybe writing will add to your "creative depth" that will enrich the "more good work" in the future...
I am continually impressed with your acting, your writing, and most importantly who you are as a human. It's hard to get to know more about someone you admire...there is always that chance they will disappoint you. I have never felt that way about you. No matter what you do-you do it with your whole heart and it shows. Keep being awesome, keep being you, and keep creating things for this world. Now more than ever, the world needs people creating awesome things and awesome people like you.
Your break will come. Don't give up. I know that sounds trite, but still. For what it's worth, I have faith in you. There are many others who do as well. So keep going, and know that you have people behind you who are cheering for you every step.
It's hard to find purpose in life. And depression makes it harder. For the record, I would like to say, depression sucks. Ahem. Anyway, I have often said that writing is an easier passion than acting or music because, as you said, you can write by yourself. No one can stop you. For what it's worth, which isn't much, if I ever did film anything again, I would hire you in a heartbeat. I'm a huge fan. Have been since the beginning.
P.S. - I miss making movies all the time. Still, after 20 years away from the low-budget world. But I just have the time or energy anymore (even as the tech & distribution becomes more accessible) and I can't get my kids and their friends to act for me. Losers.
This is probably a wild-ass crazy idea, probably naive, and one you've already thought about off and on for a long time, but just in case - have you thought about doing something yourself? Felicia Day did it with 'The Guild'. Alan Tudyk did it with 'Con Man'. Joss did it with 'Dr. Horrible'. You must know some writers who would love to work on something creative, or who have something interesting that the Big Studios dismissed. Directors, cinematographers, actors, crew who are in similar situations, also looking for work, or just want a change. Executive produce, but have someone you trust take the production lead letting you have time to enjoy being the creative actor you are (or have Anne watch over _that_ person so you're totally safe). Kickstart or IndieGoGo it like 'Con Man'.
You get to show your chops at more creative acting, allow others to do similar, and you bring more art to the world. Go Gaiman - "Make great art." In this case, if the Big Studios aren't interested, make great art yourself.
