My dream Olympiad

With the Olympics only a few days away now I was thinking about the impressive diversity of the sports that contribute to it nowadays. The ancient Greeks would be amazed to see that golf and tennis are now included. I am amazed too. Although I used to enjoy a game of tennis, providing a public service to the less-able and less self-confident, I tend to subscribe to Mark Twain’s views on golf (‘A good walk spoiled’). It has always seemed to me to be a telling fact that the better at golf you are the less you have to play of it. It seems that most of the original Olympic sports were manly preparation for war ie. demonstrations of strength and endurance, chucking pointy things etc. although I don’t recall the discus being used as a weapon of war. Doubtless it would be effective, however, if directed with sufficient accuracy. Having once been struck on the ankle by a wayward one at school I can vouch for its efficacy. Thinking of school and given that all sorts of improbable sports have achieved Olympic status in recent years I wondered how it is that our common school sporting heritage hasn’t thus far been represented. I’m sure we can all recall the fun of sports day. There was a time when competitors didn’t all get a sticker for taking part, when winning things was regarded universally as an accomplishment, not as a cruel blow to the self-worth of other participants. I’d like to propose that the sack race, the egg and spoon race and the dressing up race be included in the next Olympics. The dressing up race, for those uninitiated, involves a hundred metres sprint enlivened by the donning of some improbable garment at ten metre intervals, finishing inevitably with a large hat, competitors crossing the line looking like a bizarre set of escapees from a panto. In time, as nations strive for competitive advantage, I imagine thought would be given to lightweight carbon fibre sacks, chickens bred to produce ever slicker, more streamlined eggs. And then there is the mums and dads race, of course. I wonder how fast Usain Bolt’s dad is over sixty metres?