Five Major Differences Between Real Life BDSM and Erotic Romance

Since starting to write BDSM romance, I’ve had the opportunity to attend conferences, local demos and play parties and workshops and get to know a myriad group of people in the lifestyle, as well as those who write about it but don’t practice it. The pleasure of that is seeing BDSM from both inside and outside perspectives, as well as to keep constantly learning new stuff. I have no ego about BDSM practice. While I have a fairly good grasp of the psychology, being a submissive myself, I’m always having “Oh, that’s so cool” moments when I find out new things. For instance, I was in an erotica store just a couple weeks ago and saw this thing that looked like two rings locked together in a spherical shape. Since it was spherical, my first thought was “Hmm, must have something to do with the male genitalia, maybe some kind of chastity thing.” That kind of thinking is what proves I’m NOT a mechanically minded person, lol. It had nothing to do with that. It was a unique set of handcuffs (though to my way of thinking it had to be made for someone with bird wrists).

So there’s always the chance to learn more, which means more exciting directions in my writing. But often readers want to know what’s different and what’s the same when comparing real life BDSM and BDSM romance. Here’s what I think are five major differences:

1. Glitzy clubs – the joy of writing BDSM romance is you can choose ideal settings for your story. BDSM romance abounds with sophisticated, glitzy BDSM clubs, but the truth is a lot of BDSM play parties happen in people’s homes and/or rented hotel conference rooms. For the clubs that do exist, you find similar accommodations, like Spartan warehouse-style spaces, often in industrial areas. I’ve been to several of these, and they’ve run the gamut from feeling very homey/welcoming to feeling a tad seedy and unclean. But glamorous? No. I’m sure for the very wealthy, there are some exclusive clubs that look like what we have in our romance books, but they are not as abundant and common as what we portray. I have some of these glitzy clubs in my book (The Zone in the Nature of Desire series is an example), but the club I showcased in Unrestrained was actually closer to my direct experience (and a very cool place).

2. Intuitive understanding of a submissive’s needs – If we realistically laid out all the negotiation and discussion that can go on between a Dom and sub before they start doing any play, let alone advance play (like interrogation scenes), we’d put our readers to sleep! It’s a critical part of building the trust and success of a scene, but we tend to sacrifice a lot of that communication in our romances and substitute it with a fabulous level of intuition on the part of the Dom/me. Which is actually in keeping with the spirit of mainstream romance novels, because how many heroes have we read in mainstream romance who just “understand” the heroine’s needs and desires without her having to tell them? Get real. I have to tell my husband that the garbage needs to go out even when it’s flowing across the floor. However, that’s one of the reasons we love to read romance of any genre. We can escape from the more mundane daily stumbling blocks of a normal relationship and experience an uninterrupted flow of romantic/emotional moments, which ironically remind us just why we love the man who will step over garbage rather than take it out (grin).

3. More risks are taken in erotic romance – in a healthy BDSM environment, safety stays right up front all the time, with repeated checks and balances, especially between players less familiar with one another. In erotic romance, things can get far edgier, because good BDSM erotic romances play on the fantasy edge of the reality. This also keys into the negotiation issue noted above. If I hammered my readers with safety steps every other paragraph of a scene, they couldn’t get lost in the intensity of it. It’s a lot like the decisions romance authors have always had to make about mentioning birth control. Mention it the first couple scenes, and then allow the reader to assume the couple takes care of it in other scenes, so the readers aren’t pummeled with safe sex PSAs.

4. Sex often isn’t the point - Well, first off, sex isn’t usually allowed at a play party held in a rented “public” space environment, like a club, hotel ballroom, etc. That type of activity would be far more likely to happen at a play party held in a private home or a floor party in a hotel where the party is taking place in hotel rooms. Don’t get me wrong – a lot of very sexual stuff/vibes are happening; just not fluid exchanges. But, interestingly, even if it was allowed, many sessions do not involve actual sex. Though the scene is undeniably sexual in nature, the point often is not to have sex, but to experience an intense Dominant/submissive power exchange. Plus, there are a good number of people who play with a different partner in the BDSM setting but who are committed to a relationship with another. They aren’t seeking sex from the D/s power exchange.

5. Beautiful people in exotic fetish wear – While there are those who enjoy wearing the fetish clothing, I’ve seen plenty of people in jeans and T-shirts in play settings. But almost all of them are normal-looking folk like you and me. Yes, there’s the occasional stunning-looking individual (according to current societal standards), but it’s no more common in a BDSM setting than anywhere else in our daily lives. However, here’s the cool twist to that. There’s this thing that happens when you’re caught up in watching BDSM play. You no longer see someone who doesn’t fit society’s ideal of beauty. You see a helpless and begging soul, lost in a top’s demands, or a Dom/me completely in control of that journey, and something more captivating than a physical body takes over. As a result, there is a great deal of body image acceptance in the BDSM world (at least where I’ve experienced it), and it is a truly wonderful aspect of this lifestyle.

A professional Dominatrix is not always the same as a female Dominant because, as was said so aptly by Dr. Charley Ferrer (a sex educator and Domme herself) – “A ProDomme is a woman who is paid for her services and who is selling a fantasy. She’s paid to be a Dominant woman; she may not be a true Dominant but merely plays the role well.” However, a recent Huffington Post article about a 60-year-old ProDomme accurately detailed many of the feelings that exist between Dom/sub (particularly in the captions under the pictures). It also showed the body confidence image of a person in one of these roles, so I’m sharing it here. (WARNING! Some of the pictures they display aren’t appropriate for a work/public computer.)

So now that I’ve talked about five major differences between BDSM romance and real life, I want to close with two important ways they are the same:

1. When a power exchange is done right, it results in a connection that’s intense and hard to describe, but you recognize it when you watch it and/or experience it. The best romances have a foundation in real life love stories, and BDSM romance is no different.

2. Except with regard to safety, there is no “one way” to do BDSM or Dominance/submission relationships. For instance, there’s no mandated terminology, merely common terms people have fallen into using that can change over time, from setting to setting, or according to personal preference. Case in point - you’ll almost never see me use the word “subbie” for submissive characters, because I can’t stand the term. It sounds childish to me, like daycare baby talk, not romantic or sexy at all. But it’s a common term in the lifestyle. There’s also no mandate that a person who identifies primarily as a Dom gives up that orientation if they enjoy bottoming on occasion, or a sub with the same commitment to their orientation can’t enjoy topping. Some do, some don’t. Everyone feels their orientation in their own unique way, and the beauty of BDSM is the ability to express it many different ways without judgment, as long as it’s healthy, consensual play.

With BDSM practice and Dom/sub orientation becoming “somewhat” more mainstream these past few years, there’s a great variety of clubs and groups that meet regularly, and pretty much anything you can imagine happening in a healthy BDSM context can happen at these events. Just as BDSM continues to diversify and grow in real life, so it does in erotic romance as well, for the enjoyment of both practitioners and those who just enjoy reading about it!

Do you have questions about what you’ve seen in an erotic romance context in terms of how it compares to real life? I’ll be happy to try and answer those questions. Or I’ll go find out the answer if I don’t, because I’ll be curious to know, too!

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ADD’L NOTE - I’m very excited to have been listed in Mara White's Huffington Post article "15 BDSM Authors You Should Be Reading". Hope you’ll find some new TBR book suggestions here as well – I know I did!