Loonier than a spring-loaded basket full of rubber transmission fluid

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I had this idea where I would invest in stocks. You know, for my future. I would buy stocks, and, you know, be all invested in my future and shit. I mean, it’s what they say on TV that you should do (that, and take ALOT of drugs), and if anyone wants to obey the almighty god TV, why, it’s little ol’ me.

Most people have investment/retirement plans through work, mutual funds, IRAs, et cetera and whatnot. Me, I keep getting fired because I show up late or drunk, steal office supplies, and sexually harass all the older white men who hold power.

So my future was up to me.

I opened up a brokerage account, took a few hundred bucks and bought some stocks which paid dividends. Now I am a millionaire. At this very moment, as I am typing this, in fact, my toes are being licked by beautiful women.

Ok, I’ll come clean. I don’t even know any women. I’ve been investing for one solid year (this is my anniversary, in fact) and my returns on stock sales are +25.01%, and on my investment account as a whole, +14.47%.

I previously posted about how I decided to get rich, because, fuck it why not? I would link to that post, but eh. No one’s reading this post, so why link to another post no one’s reading either?

Boy, I’m sure glad I majored in business instead of some touchy-feely liberal arts crap. The people who major in that shit, generally, are supported by parents who majored in business–kind of like how European socialism is supported by European capitalism. Everything is beautiful and we all should share and hold hands, but what happens when the person paying for everything stops going to work?

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is soon I discovered that this rock thing was true. Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil. Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet. All of a sudden I found myself in love with the world, so there was only one thing that I could do: DING A DING DANG MY DANG A LONG LING LONG.