When "The Call' Comes, Be Ready

If I described a woman wearing “a shapeless sweater, an A-line brown skirt, and utilitarian boots”, would you know whom I'm referring to? Would you consider the description complimentary?

As my journey to better eBook sales continues, I thought we might detour to take in some important points not seen from the main road. The ensuing comments can be placed under the heading, 'Be Careful What You Ask For'.

In the back of our minds we all hope our books will become successful sellers that permit us to leave our day jobs and better focus our passion to write. For E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, her dream came true to the tune of $58 million. And that dress description was just the opening salvo of the vicious twitter barrage and critical panning headed her way.

If 'The Call' comes one hour from now, are you ready? After ten minutes of jumping around like a crazy person, agents and publicists want to meet you this afternoon. What would you wear? What would you wear tomorrow and the day after? Is your wardrobe ready for its closeup?

Guys, do you have a suit? I don't mean something off the rack or from a catalogue. Do you have, a suit? Does it fit? Are you confident enough of your fashion sense you can dispense with formal shirt and tie, combine it with something casual, and walk in suave and debonair. Are your shoes faded and dull with the heels half-eroded? Do you need a woman's assistance? Who? I can spot a man dressed by a woman a mile away but most men can't and female interviewers will appreciate your good taste. And again, what about tomorrow and the day after?

Is your haircut/style a decade old? The same one you had as a teenager or undergrad? Can your stylist take an emergency appointment?

Sure, $58 million will solve all these problems but you're still a year from cashing that check. Can your budget handle a sudden surge in cash outlays? Do you have a rainy day fund? It's pouring.

And here's perhaps the most important question. Can you speak? Heard or seen E. L. James lately? I'm not talking about the kind used among family and friends. Can you speak without inarticulate thought-fillers: um, er, uh, like, you know?

Can you speak in front of strangers and dazzle them with the self-confident, self-possessed, urbane, worldly sophisticate we all know you are? Are you capable of getting in-the-moment, speaking off the cuff, and have an obscenity slip out?

I'm not going to give adults budgeting and saving advice. I'm sure people smarter and better positioned than I have already done so. In fact I'm sure, ahem, many of you already have these things.

But for those who speak like American sophomores, or seniors for that matter, I do have a suggestion. Purchase a voice recorder. Unless you're one of those budgeters and savers, it doesn't have to be anything fancy.

Then, when you rise to pace about and puzzle through that plot point, twist, turn, character trait or response, turn it on and think out loud. Do so with persistence and perseverance (is that redundant?). I know there's a myth people who talk to themselves are crazy but crazy people are mumbling within their own universe. Modern psychologists hold talking to oneself as an analytical process is a signpost of high intelligence and as a group, writers have an abundance of high intelligence.

Once you've solidified your spoken thoughts into the computer pause to play back the recorder. For some, it may come as a shock.

The human brain handles speech and word retrieval as separate processes. Hence, the thought-fillers. The brain must hear in order to correctly sound the phonemes of a particular language but it is not listening. You can hear what you are saying, but while speaking, you are not listening. Playing back the recorder begins the process of coordinating your thought formulation, word retrieval, and speech into a flowing, coordinated unity.

It can be done. Listen to any TV or radio broadcast. And it won't take long. A month maybe two at most. You'll still be able to sound hip and cool amongst friends and family but when needed you'll be able to slip out of it. Effortlessly.

Now, you won't need any of this if you're tuned into the cosmos and know the Amanda Hocking/E. L. James probability lightning will strike you. Nonetheless, you may get 'The Call' albeit under less dramatic circumstances. If so, you can bet the publisher's representatives will be gauging your ability to publicly market your book. Be ready.

What will I do when 'The Call' comes? I'm ready. My closet has three expensive, tailored suits but those are the accoutrements of a prior life. Folded on a shelf above, I have a pair of washed, cuffed, tough-guy jeans worn with leather hiking boots and a black t-shirt. Emblazoned across the chest is 'Deal With It'. I'll walk in holding a jeans jacket jauntily over one shoulder, give off a ton of edgy, artistic attitude, smile, then, despite being a native New Yorker, blow them away with my articulate erudition. lol

Okay, that's enough business. Next week we'll take a closer look at Query Letters and examine the insights of two literary agents. Query Letters and eBooks? The purpose of Kindle by the Sell is to sell eBooks. A good way to sell eBooks is to have a Literary Agent do it for you. For that you'll need a solid Query Letter. Let's turn to the creative side.

I'd like to place a final coda on last week's discussion of Hemingway's Iceberg Theory, that what a writer leaves out is as important as what he or she leaves in.

Contrary to what my friends might believe, I don't have it in for adverbs. Indeed, I look for opportunities to include them. Thinking being, the rarity of their presence will serve to enhance their power. While editing my current project, Seraphim, I came across this sentence that when first drafted, I thought needed the adverb. The protagonist is in Rome looking through a boutique's window.

Oddly, though Gandolini represented a one-stop shop for the gentleman aspiring to Italian couture, no one browsed within.

Despite 'though' being able to function as both conjunction and adverb, it would be difficult to imagine a scenario in creative fiction that would justify two successive adverbs. That alone warrants removing 'oddly'.

But as I looked at this, I thought I heard Ernest clearing his throat and indeed it's an excellent example of the Omission Theory.

Though Gandolini represented a one-stop shop for the gentleman aspiring to Italian couture, no one browsed within.

The presence, the 'tell' of 'oddly', permits the reader passive interaction with the sentence. Its removal now lets 'though' alert the reader to a paradox, then force its consideration with the sentence's final clause. Having removed one word from the observable iceberg, the reader must now interact with the story on a more sublime, dynamic basis with the bulk hidden beneath the surface.

In one fell swoop, we have paid homage to the great Ernest Hemingway and hurled another adverb onto the literary garbage heap.

As always, I welcome your thoughts and comments.