On Resolution

I turn 31 shortly. If you follow me on Twitter, you know that the month leading up that has been… not good. I’m generally a private person about a lot of things, but the basics are that I was in a serious relationship with a person I love more than I even thought possible, and then it ended- and it was all my goddamn fault.

Let’s talk about faults for a second. We all have them, and some of us more than others. I’m not writing this as some sort of weird confession (maybe a little), but I have been thinking a lot lately about my owns faults – there’s not much other choice on sleepless nights, left alone with the prison cell of my own mind. Staring down the barrel of truly being north of 30, and being forced to take a long, hard look at the person I am, and not liking a lot of what I see, is… I don’t know honestly. Something, I want to say not good, but it is both.

Because losing the person I loved, the person I really wanted to spend my life with, who brought out feelings of commitment and devotion I never had before, is crushing. But I never felt that way before, and this cavalier fucking attitude had developed in me, heretofore being something that made me charming and roguish, at least in my own mind, was the downfall of the best thing that ever happened to me.

That’s not hyperbole, by the way. Because for all the faults that I am being forced to see, there’s a lot of me that I am happy with. I’m a pretty smart dude, with a not-shitty career, and I like to think I am pretty good writer. But all the success I have, or will have, rings hollow without her to share it with.

But those successes are there. I wrote 3024AD between 11pm and 2am every night while working 70+hours a week at a day job that stressed me out of my mind. And it’s those successes I am reflecting on, because more will come. Because I can resolve to do something, in spite of other things being shitty. More books, more stories, will come. And if I can be resolved to do that, I can be resolved to fix the faults in myself, for myself, and hopefully, for her.

–DESR