Conversations: Beyond Coarseness, Screens and Emoticons
As seen in the St. Paul Pioneer Press on 1/10/16
I really love my cell phone. I love how I can use it to schedule coffee dates and veterinarian appointments, order food, track my mileage and calories, cuss at Siri – and communicate with the people in my life.
Last month my phone was stolen while I was attending a Christmas party. For a day and a half I was adrift. How could I upload my photos to Facebook? What if my kids needed to reach me? I felt like a dinghy untethered from its buoy – until I happily cradled my replacement phone in my hand.
Yet…there are as many reasons to loathe phones as to love them. Despite everything they enable us to do, our electronic communication tools also chip away at the most important means of communication – those increasingly rare moments when we look another in the eye, exchange loving or even critical remarks or just basic information.
As a professional communicator, I’ve observed – and experienced – the blight of electronic communication.
Though I’m fortunate to receive signed emails from readers who enjoy my missives, I’ve also received rude, anonymous comments from strangers who don’t appreciate my point of view or approach to an issue.
I’m not alone. When I log in to Twitter or newspaper websites I’m often appalled by the tone and verbiage of wannabe publishers who, leveraging the insular value of anonymity, weigh in on controversial topics.
Anonymity is both a shield and a weapon. Emboldened by the ability to express whatever comes to mind without making eye contact, people weigh in on topics that in generations past were considered out of bounds: notably, controversial, emotionally charged political and cultural issues. They need not take personal responsibility for the impact of the message because their identities are protected.
At times the comment sections following news articles and opinion pieces resemble a pugilistic venue. Hiding behind a User ID or Twitter handle, one can sling arrows and criticize strangers at will. In an era when everyone can be a publisher, writers can fuel an online debate with others whose word choices suggest they have also consulted the Thesaurus for the coarsest, bluntest words available. The debates can go on and on because the writers never meet face to face. It’s the bane of electronic communication.
Roshini Rajkumar has observed the demise of public discourse throughout her nearly 20-year career in television, radio and print media. The host of WCCO Radio’s News & Views With Roshini Rajkumar, she welcomes calls or texts during her shows because she enjoys the debate and engagement with listeners.
But boundaries and filters no longer control the experience. Nothing seems to be off limits. Disagreement becomes personal, couched in right or wrong as opposed to different. When you don’t have face-to-face communication, you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of what you put out there, she says.
Our political leaders bear some responsibility for setting the tone, she says. “When you have leaders of the country, leaders of the world, and candidates for political office attacking one another instead of attacking a plague we are trying to fix, the words have an impact. Living it day in and day out, the words seep into your brain.”
According to etiquette experts, Rajkumar says, having your phone on in a social setting is the equivalent of holding up a piece of paper in front of your face. Though it’s a generational problem, adults can best effect change. “There is something to be said for pulling rank and helping younger people to learn how to communicate,” she says. “If they aren’t learning how to talk to family members how are they going to communicate in the workplace?”
While the trends are concerning, they’re not all bad. There is another phenomenon in play that I find encouraging. I frequently speak to audiences about how to navigate challenges. I always serve up intimate stories about my experiences with the tough stuff in life. When the opportunity arises, I invite audience members to share, too.
I’ve been struck by how reluctant people are to share in front of others. Yet, after each speaking engagement, someone approaches me in a hushed voice, thanks me for talking about my experience, and offers one of her own.
I’m confident others miss the days of sitting across the table with a companion, enjoying a beverage and a substantive conversation without the phone beeping and buzzing. I think others also yearn to connect in a more personal way. But I fear that as time goes on more of those moments will reside in our memory than in the present, particularly if people are concerned about being personally attacked.
As we begin a new year I challenge readers to reflect on these social trends. Are you willing to tolerate vitriolic debates about important issues? If not, then will you log off, tune out, and push back – anything to heighten the level and quality of discourse?
Will you commit to engaging in civil and respectful conversations with friends, and, particularly, with strangers on social media?
Will you encourage the people you spend time with to put down their phones and have a substantive conversation that is not composed of abbreviations and emoticons?
Will you put down your own phone – in the car, grocery store checkout line, and most importantly, at the dinner table so you can be present with the people around you?
As Rajkumar says, “There’s nothing on that phone that is more important than the people in the room with you.”
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