A Mother’s Day Gift… Preparing For The Inevitable

As seen in the St. Paul Pioneer Press on 5/8/16

It’s such a curious fact of human nature. We are born with an expiration date. Yet, many of us live in denial, disregard, or even defiance of it, often neglecting end-of-life planning. Half of us will die without a will.

The death of Minnesota’s beloved man in purple has brought the issue to the forefront. We’re learning about the repercussions of not preparing for the inevitable. With Prince’s wealth estimated in the hundreds of millions, a huge percentage of his earnings will go to the government to pay estate taxes. Since he left no spouse or children, millions from his estate will pass to his sister and half-siblings. Was that his intent? We’ll never know for sure.

This is a teaching moment for those inclined to pay attention.

I learned about the importance of planning for the inevitable when, in 2009, I became a charter member of what I call “the freakin’ widows club.”

Though I’d survived cancer and my husband battled heart disease, we’d danced around a conversation we knew we should have. When his heart failed him we’d only talked about having ”the talk.” I was left with memories of him saying, “I’m worth more dead than alive.” With no safe deposit box or file containing important documents it was an arduous task to get my financial affairs in order.

It took months to assemble the pieces. I tracked down passwords, visited banks, the courthouse and more. Eventually, I confirmed that my jokester of a spouse had taken the financial planning for his wife and children seriously.

Wiser now, I have dotted every “i” and crossed every “t” in my own affairs. I’m on a mission to encourage others to have “the talk,” to plan for the expiration date. I hound my siblings and my kids about whether they have adequate life insurance, guardians for the little ones, a plan in case disability or illness renders them unemployable, and a will.

To make the end of my life seamless, I’ve created a box of love. It’s a gift to myself. And it’s a gift to my loved ones. For it’s as important to be organized as it is to have a plan.

My box holds my will, a list of passwords, the names of my banker and financial advisor, the deed to the house, titles to the cars and my insurance policies.

It includes trust documents and guardianship papers to ensure my son with autism will be cared for during his lifetime.

It includes the map with my burial plot. There will be no angst about cremation versus burial. It’s been decided. Documents are in the box.

My box of love also includes my living will.

For years I avoided the living will decision like I avoid mosquitoes on a Minnesota summer night. Instead of focusing on the clarity it would bring, I focused on the finality it suggested. A litany of irrational thoughts kept me from putting pen to paper.

It took a four-legged teacher for me to muster the courage to do the right thing.

Several springtimes ago our Cavalier King Charles Spaniel developed congestive heart failure. Though I’d talked to the vet about Sara’s prognosis and what to do when her heart stopped working, I hadn’t anticipated her illness would progress so quickly.

In our final hour together I cradled my 20-pound companion, incapable of uttering the words I knew I should say, for my own heart was breaking. Moreover, I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of ending another’s life, even if it was a dog.

In the days that followed Sara’s death the unbearable weight of my decision to let her go compounded my grief. Resolved my loved ones would never have to make such a wrenching decision on my behalf, I put pen to paper at last.

Today, my living will rests among my other important documents in my box of love.

Not all end-of-life decisions are so dramatic. Yet, by making them while we are capable of doing so we can prevent conflict among family members. Having a plan in place enables us to live unfettered by nagging thoughts about loose ends. It offers the gratification that flows from a loving act.

We all have prized possessions, regardless of their monetary value. It’s worth talking about them. Who should inherit mom’s wedding ring, grandma’s recipes, dad’s old fishing boat, or the Vikings season tickets?

What about the lake home? Whether it is a rustic structure or a palatial getaway, the issue remains the same. What will happen to it when the owners pass away?

Single people need to plan, too. Who will have power of attorney over financial and medical decisions? Who will inherit the home, the car and the pet?

What about blended families or stepfamilies? Prince’s sister and half siblings are entitled to inherit equally. It’s important to understand the law and to ensure that one’s intent is made clear.

When we confront the unpleasant we position ourselves to more fully enjoy life. Whether one has millions of dollars and a vault filled with unpublished music or a simple abode and a pile of debt, preparing for the end game is an invaluable gift. So the question is, are you prepared?

What are your thoughts? Do you have any hesitations about preparing for the inevitable? Share your comments below. 

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