Feedback Request

The author of the query most recently featured here would like your opinion of this version:


Mr. Evil Editor

Leah Chase is a single mother of an eleven year old girl and has only one close friend. [Do we need to know how many friends she has?] After working as a police detective for a year, she finds she hates her job and still hasn’t found a place in the unit. She’s assigned a low profile case: Matthew James, who had no relatives and no friends. [It's not necessary to provide each character's exact number of friends.] A man who was released on a technicality after being charged with manslaughter. [What is her assignment with regard to Matthew James? Find him? Follow him? Probably neither, as, according to the previous version, he's dead. It's more important to tell us he's been murdered than that he has no friends.]

Harry Finch’s son was killed by a drunk driver who was set free because of a minor legal error. Harry [, who has four friends,] wanted justice for his son, so the man responsible, Matthew James, had to die. In that man’s death, he finds solace, but he also finds the excitement and joy of knowing that a wrong was righted. He imagines a future where those who persecuted were punished, where victims received the justice they so desired. There were so many more innocents whose malefactor still walked free. How could Harry stop now? [I don't like "persecuted" (transgressed/killed/broke the law?) Matthew didn't persecute Harry's son. I also don't like "malefactor." (assailants?} Stay out of the thesaurus.]

Leah interviews Harry during the investigation. The following week Harry asks her to dinner. Though Harry is still technically a suspect, Leah accepts. As weeks go by, the friendship they have grows to something more.

More are killed. Leah sees a pattern forming that encompasses the recent murders as well as the case assigned to her. She believes these similarities tie all the murders together. Then the killer changes tactics. Leah’s best friend is almost killed by the murderer, barely saved by Leah. No longer is he targeting criminals, instead he's killing random people at random locations. [I'm not sure I'd call Leah's best friend a random person. Didn't he know she was Leah's friend when he attacked her? And if all his murders take place where there are no witnesses around to identify him, that isn't random either.] He’s more dangerous, more frightening, and still leaving no clues as to who he might be. [If he's targeting different people and leaving no clues, how do they know it's the same killer/] 

The stories of Leah and Harry intertwine, weaving together and apart. [Things don't weave apart, and intertwine is the same as weave together. You're wasting words. By the end of the query you've shown that their stories intertwine, so why tell us?] Leah struggles to catch a ruthless serial killer; Harry meticulously plans and executes murders. And Leah and Harry fall in love.

When one family fights back, Harry leaves evidence behind — evidence that leads Leah to Harry, the man she loves.

JUSTICE BETRAYED is complete at 81,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration. A partial or full manuscript is available on request.

Sincerely,


Notes

You should be able to summarize your plot in ten sentences. You have about twenty-five. Perhaps the following could be used as a template for a more concise version.

Harry Finch’s son was killed by a drunk driver who was freed on a legal technicality. Harry believes in an eye for an eye, and kills the man responsible, Matthew James. Righting that one wrong proves an addictive thrill for Harry. How many more killers are walking free?

A chief suspect in the Matthew James murder, Harry is interviewed by detective Leah Chase. He manages to satisfy her that he's not the killer, and later asks her out to dinner. It's against department policy, but she accepts, and an unexpected romance takes root.

As a series of vigilante killings hits the city, Leah sees similarities between those crimes and the one she's still investigating. Apparently she's not just after the killer of Matthew James; she's after a serial killer. And then evidence turns up at the latest crime scene, evidence that seems to point at Harry Finch, the man Leah loves.