Feedback Request

The author of the book most recently featured here would like your opinion of the two versions below:



Mr. Evil Editor:
Years ago Leah watched as her husband was murdered by a man who was never identified or caught.  A decade later, police detective Leah Chase still has nightmares of her husband dying in her arms, murdered by an assailant who was never identified.  She still wakes up screaming. [Don't put two spaces between sentences.] 

Leah is assigned a low profile case to find the murderer of a man with no relatives and no friends. A man who just barely escaped being convicted of manslaughter. [I find this confusing. I'm not sure whether the man who just barely escaped being convicted of manslaughter is the murderer or the man with no relatives and no friends.] [Also, how do they know this man has no friends?] [I'd go with a comma or dash instead of a period after the first sentence, so the reader doesn't get to the end of the second "sentence" and wonder where the rest of it is.]

During the investigation, Leah meets Harry Finch. He asks her to coffee, then dinner.  Still traumatized by the death of her husband, [It was ten years ago. If she's still traumatized, I question whether she should be working as a police officer.] Leah worries she’s not ready for this new relationship they begin. Though Leah’s eleven year old daughter doesn’t like Harry, Leah and Harry’s friendship begins to grow into something more. [If it begins to grow, then it's growing, so just say it grows instead of it begins to grow.] 

Leah sees similarities [to the murder she's investigating] in a second murder, and by the third, she sees a pattern.  Her superior doesn’t agree, but as the killings continue, Leah finds herself at the center of a much bigger investigation than anyone was prepared for. 

While Leah and Harry fall in love, the murderer becomes more daring, killing four in a downtown restaurant, then killing families in their own homes.  When the killer makes a mistake and two victims escape, it forces him to leave evidence behind.  Evidence that leads her [Leah] to Harry, the man she loves.

JUSTICE BETRAYED is complete at 81,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration. A partial or full manuscript is available on request.
Sincerely,

Note:  I’ve never been happy with the previous versions that concentrated on Leah.  They came out of people telling me to concentrate on a single character.  Except that the novel is about 1/3 Leah alone, about 1/3 Harry alone, and 1/3 the two of them.  (With other subplots thrown in as well.)  So, by concentrating on Leah, I feel like I’m leaving out large parts of what (to me) makes to novel worth reading.  The following query feels much more representative of the book.

Mr. Evil Editor:
Leah [Chase] is a single mother of an eleven year old girl and a police detective who hates her job. [This makes it sound like she's the mother of an 11-year-old girl and also the mother of a police detective who hates her job.]  She’s assigned a low profile case to find the murderer of Matthew James, who had no relatives and no friends. A man who was charged with manslaughter for the death of a teenager, but released on a technicality. [Still confusing. She's assigned a low-profile case: the murder of Matthew James, who was recently released on a technicality after being charged with manslaughter.]

Harry Finch’s son was killed by a drunk driver who was set free because of a minor legal error.  Harry wanted justice for his son, so the man responsible, Matthew James, had to die.  In that man’s death, he finds solace, but he also finds the excitement and joy of knowing that wrongs are being righted, that those who persecuted [Who are those who persecuted?] were punished, and victims received the justice they so desired.  [Victims of murderers don't actually desire anything. Also, you speak of wrongs and victims as if he's killed several people. So far he's killed only Matthew James.] There were so many more victims still without justice.  How could Harry stop now?

Leah interviews Harry during the investigation. The following week Harry asks her to dinner.  Though Harry is still technically a suspect, Leah accepts.  As weeks go by, the friendship they have begins to grow[s] to something more.

The stories of Leah and Harry intertwine, weaving together and apart, the police detective and the murderer.  [We know. You don't have to say this.] Leah struggles to catch a serial killer; Harry meticulously plans and executes murders, slaughtering four at a restaurant, and forcing his way into homes and killing families. [Killing entire families gets justice for . . . people who were murdered by entire families?] And Leah and Harry fall in love.

When one family fights back, Harry leaves evidence behind — evidence that leads Leah to Harry, the man she loves.
JUSTICE BETRAYED is complete at 81,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration. A partial or full manuscript is available on request.

Sincerely,

Notes
I prefer the first version. Others may disagree. The first one has the advantage that "evidence that leads Leah to Harry, the man she loves." is more shocking if we haven't already been told that Harry is the serial killer Leah is after (Okay,we may suspect it, but we can imagine her reaction as the evidence piles up). In the second version we know Harry's the one she's after before she does. There's no mystery.

Of course maybe I want the query to focus on Leah because I would also prefer the book to focus on Leah so that I, as a reader, gradually suspect Harry is the serial killer, as Leah does, instead of being aware of it from the beginning. Possibly that isn't the book you've written.